Vacations to Osaka so he can see where his mom grew up. Dinner parties at my parents house. Teaching Damon how to dance in Raiden’s new ballet studio. Getting married and him wearing a pink suit with a daisy crown adorned on his head.
All of it. All of it that I’ll have to keep to myself.
Because I’ll never find a love like this again. His love for mewas as soothing as a cool breeze on a hot summer day and as chaotic as the storms that seem to bend and break at his mercy.
My voice is hoarse as the sun rises, lighting the room in its yellow glow. Yellow is supposed to represent happiness, joy, the chance at a new day. Now it feels like a death sentence.
Ema and Rodney look like zombies, the bags underneath their eyes are black and deep. The sorrow they carry is palpable, I can hold it in my hands. I wish I could mold it into something better, something happy and joyous, so that they can be happy again.
I don’t know if any of us will ever be happy again after today.
The clock ticks, dwindling down the final minutes we have until all we have is seconds.
A bell outside dings, probably from the church around the block. A death note of its own.
The Doctor prepared us for what to expect. They’re going to take the ventilator out first, he explained the steps and the technical name for it but I had to tune him out when the bile rising in my throat almost made an experience.
If Raiden can breathe on his own, they’ll keep the feeding tube so he can still get the nutrients he needs. But after the Doctor told me he didn’t know if Raiden would ever wake up, I lost all hope. The brain damage that Raiden suffered was extensive, and even if he does wake up, would it be the kind of life he wanted to live? Would it be easier to let him die peacefully rather than keep him around for my own selfishness?
Josh struts in looking immaculate. Like he got a full night's rest while all of us have been in different stages of mourning the man we might lose.
I want to punch him in the face. I have nothing to lose.
I stand up, feeling my prosthetic wobble underneath my weight from the quick sift. An ache ricochets up my thigh and Ihave to fight back my flinch. Pain is the least of my worries right now.
Hollis sees my intent and steps in front of me before I can put my hands on Josh. “Don’t, Coco. He’s not worth it.” Connor warns, grabbing my shoulder and pushing me to sit back at Raiden’s side.
Josh’s smile is smug. The asshole. He won’t be so smug when I catch him outside the four walls of this hospital. He won’t know what hit him.
“Listen to your guard dogs, Jericho,” Josh taunts.
Ema and Rodney look disgusted at their son-in-law and I wish that there was a time machine where we could go back in time so Ema and Rodney could warn Raiden how big of a piece of shit Josh is. Maybe we could have saved ourselves a lot of heartbreak.
The Doctor walks in and Josh immediately drops the asshole acts and flips to the grieving husband. What a crock of bullshit.
I move backwards, letting Connor and Hollis guide me to the seat beside Ema and Rodney. Ema and Rodney are going to be the closest to Raiden, and I’ll be right beside them. My parents, Connor and Hollis are going to wait in the hallway. Waiting for us to tell them the time of death.
Fuck.
The Doctor goes over with us one more time what we should expect and prepare for. It’s not enough. We haven’t been given enough time to truly reconcile the fact that we’re going to lose him. Josh is taking him off life support and it shouldn’t have been his decision.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to scream, to riot and cause a scene, to hopefully delay the inevitable.
But that won’t work. They would just escort me out and continue taking away the one thing keeping him alive. And I wouldn’t be beside him.
The nurses come in, pushing their carts with everything they’ll need. The sight makes my stomach roil and tears stream down my face.
It’s happening. It’s happening and I can’t stop it.
“I’m so sorry, tiny dancer. I’m so fucking sorry,” I whisper and hope that wherever he is, he can hear me and know that this isn’t what I wanted. I would have waited for him until my last dying breath.
The Doctor and the nurses are quick and efficient as they set everything up. A flurry of activity as they set the wheels in motion. They’re actions are cold, unfeeling. How hardened they must be from seeing this all the time that they can do it with an unflinching hand.
“Do you want a minute to say your goodbyes?” The Doctor asks, examining the room. A minute won’t matter. It won’t make a difference.
“No,” Josh claims loudly, speaking on behalf of people that he has no right speaking for.
“Okay…” The Doctor doesn't say anything else as he gets to work on pulling the tube. It’s sickening to watch. A gross, high pitched sound echoes in the otherwise silence of the room as everyone holds their breath. The Doctor explained to us that sometimes there will be a sound produced from the airways contracting after the tube is removed. Nothing could have prepared me for that.
