I choose not to, instead pulling Damon close and hugging him tight. Choosing to focus my attention on the happy memories we’ve had with Raiden instead of these the past few months.
Damon’s tears finally stop and it’s hard to tell how long we’ve been in the hallway. My stomach grumbles and Damon chuckles, brushing away the last of the tears from his face with the sleeve of his spiderman shirt. “Did you not eat breakfast, uncle Jer? My mom says it’s the most important meal of the day.”
“No, I haven't eaten yet buddy. Maybe we should order pizza?” I suggest and his eyes light up, just like I knew they would. “And maybe something for dessert?”
He starts bouncing on my lap and clapping his hands together, the loudcrackechoing down the otherwise quiet hallway. “Please!”
“Go inside and ask everyone what they want. I’ll get it ordered.”
Damon jumps off my lap and races into the room, throwing the door open wide and before it shuts I can hear his little voice asking everyone what kind of pizza they want.
“I only want cheese, everything else is gross,” Damon’s voice rings out as the group starts discussing what they want. I trust him to report back to me what they want, and even if something is wrong it’ll be fine. They’re all grown ups. Except Hollis, he might throw a fit if I order his pizza wrong.
When Damon reports back, I let him help me order the pizza. He talks to the cashier on the other line and repeats everything I say.
“Did I do good?” He asks when he hands my phone back to me. I make sure the call is hung up. The picture on my screen makes my heart ache. It’s a picture of Raiden. One I snapped of him with no makeup on as we hung out in my parents kitchen.
“Yeah, bud, you did.” I ruffle his hair as we go back into the hospital room. Everyone is packed in together like sardines. Connor is on Hollis’ lap and my parents are sharing the small chair.
The nurses make another round while Damon tells us about his day at school. Every single detail that goes through the kids mind is now being shared between us. What he had for breakfast, what toys he played with, and how much he hates math. His favorite time is recess though.
“I danced with my friends. I’m not as good as uncle Rai was but I’m trying to learn.” He states proudly and then proceeds to show off the spins he’s learned to do from watching Raiden’s videos online. His face is lit up with joy, and I know that even if Raiden isn’t here, he’ll have someone to carry on his memory.
36
JERICHO
Tomorrow is the day. The day that haunts my every waking moment and every second of the fitful sleep I do manage to obtain. I haven’t left the hospital since that fateful day. My parents have brought me clothes food when they can. The three of us are in this together. Josh called to confirm with the Doctor that he would be here at 8 o’clock sharp in the morning. He won’t even give us one more full day with Raiden.
Everyone has said their goodbyes, filled with tears and sobs andwhy why why?If we had the answer to that, though, I still wouldn’t be standing here beside his bed, my hand gripped tightly around his. Waiting for something. Anything. A flinch, a jolt, a twitch. Whatever the fuck comes that will show the Doctor that we can’t take him off life support yet. He’s still in there, somewhere. We just have to give him time.
Normal people have more time than this, I’m sure of it. Because how can a family make the decision to end someone’s life? Especially someone who they love. It isn’t fair, nothing about this situation is fair.
My lower back aches from my hunched position, but Irefuse to move. I’ve been talking nonstop to Raiden since Ema and Rodney stepped out to go down to the cafeteria two hours ago. It’s too much for them to take now. But not for me. I’ll be here until his last dying breath. He’ll move on from the world with the knowledge that I never left him.
And in the next life we live, I’ll find him. I’ll always find him.
The tears have come to stay, and no matter how many times I think I’m done crying, I never fully stop. The knowledge that there’s nothing I can do to keep this from happening pounds at my battered soul, splintering the fragments even farther.
How am I supposed to go on when my heart exists inside a person who will no longer be here? How can anyone expect me to go on?
Hollis claps me on the back as he passes, visiting hours are almost over and he’s taking Connor home. They’ve spent every moment the past week up here with me when they can manage and Ace has been working around the clock to help since they’ve been off. Ema and Rodney have been as well, calling off work to soak in every minute they can get with their son. Sophie has been back but left Damon with my parents. My parents have been here when they can, but they’ve mostly been giving me and Ema and Rodney privacy. I appreciate it, because nothing they can say or offer will take away the extreme pain growing in my body.
When they’re gone, I stare down at Raiden’s hands. Tracing the protruding veins on the topside. The needles that are inside of him are coming out tomorrow. The tube down his throat will be removed. He won’t be hooked up to any more machines, and that was myonehope. I just didn’t realize what would truly come when it happens.
It’s just the two of us right now. The silence grows with every beep of the one thing keeping him alive. And tomorrow it’ll be gone.
“You told me you wanted to dance,” I whisper, brokenly. The words are shards of glass, cutting my throat on their escape and leaving me battered and bruised. “You told me all you wanted to do was dance. And you didn’t even get to do that.”
I wish he was awake so I could shake him. Ask him the same question I’ve begged for an answer for. Why did he leave on Halloween? Why couldn’t he just wait for me?
“I built you a dance studio at our house. It was a little presumptuous on my part, but the thought of watching you spin around in your ballet tights while you let the music carry you away was too good of an opportunity to pass up. If I look out of the window in our bedroom, I have a direct line of sight into the studio. As long as you would have had the curtains open.” My chuckle is wet and all the plans I made for us were gone in a flash. Before I could even experience them with him. “I put up a fence too, it was a pain in my ass but I did it. I thought we could finally get that dog you’ve always wanted.”
There were so many plans I had for us, crafted in moments of silence and built on the thought of a future together. And that’s been stripped away from us.
“What about New York City? You know I’ll never be able to go there on my own, not without you. Christmas time is supposed to be beautiful. We could have ice skated. Eaten at all the famous restaurants everyone raves about. Eaten cheap pizza. We could have done so many things.”
For the rest of the night, I hold his hand and tell him every detail I had planned for us. Even when Ema and Rodney come in, I never stop talking.
