It never gets any easier, seeing him lying in this hospital bed. Eyelids shut, hiding away his irises that I love to look at so much. The usually smooth skin of his cheek is frail under my fingertips.
He’s still in there somewhere, and I refuse to give up on him.
“I love you, tiny dancer.” I kiss him on his forehead, letting his hair tickle my nose and for a second I convince myself that we’re lying in bed together and when I wake up, he’ll be staring down at me with a bright smile on his face.
I couldn’t be more wrong.
34
JERICHO
The house is quiet as I push open the front door, the echoing sound repeating off the hardwood floors and empty walls.
The emptiness of the house reflects on the emptiness inside of me.
There’s no decorations. No furniture. Nothing except freshly painted walls and redone floors. This is where my effort has been going when I’m not at the hospital with Raiden, but you wouldn't be able to tell just from looking at it.
I pace across the hardwood, my shoes slapping against it with each step I take around the space. I wanted to wait for Raiden before I decorated. I wanted him to pick out the furniture and the art pieces that would line the walls. I wanted pictures of us framed and hanging on each side of the fireplace. I wanted this house to transform into ahome.But I have to wait for him to wake up to be able to do that.
“Well, this is great,” I say to myself and hear the words reverberate back to me.
It’s dark outside, so instead of letting myself stew in the uncomfortable silence of my house, I should do somethingmore productive. Something that will keep my mind busy and allow me a reprieve from thetoo deepfeelings currently coursing through me.
The shed outside is nicely stocked with plenty of things to help keep me occupied. I pull my phone out of my pocket, opening Youtube to its familiar channel and hit play.
I let video after video of Raiden’s dance performances stream across the glass screen keep me busy while I work. Videos of his professional performances, him on stage capturing everyone’s attention and refusing to let go. Videos of him breaking down step by step of routines for people to learn. Millions of seconds of practice compacted down into quick videos. There’s not enough, and I end up watching most of them three or four times.
The night sky brightens as dawn rises, the black night turning into a yellow painting.
My body aches and my eyes burn from the sleepless night, but as I survey all I got done a sense of pride washes over me.
Our bed frame is finally pieced together, and all that’s left to do is stain it. The details I burned into it are blurring together now, but once I come back with a fresh set of eyes, I know it’ll be better.
The alphabet consists of twenty six letters, and there’s over a billion ways to combine them to make words. Something so small can have such a big impact. But no matter how many times I tried to write out how I feel, none of it could truly encapsulate how I feel about Raiden. The bone deep aches I feel without him. The missing pieces of me being held hostage because the one who’s holding them isn’t here with me. The love and longing and lust I feel for him.
There’s not enough words in any language to be able to explain what I feel.
I flex my hands, the numbness slowly disappearing and the feeling creepy back in from the tips to the palm. I wiggle them,having an out of body moment as I watch them move and realize it's my brain that’s controlling them. The same brain that every person has but not enough people truly appreciate what all it does.
Maybe Connor and his weird obsession with brains could be able to explain it to me a little bit more, but that would require me calling him and I don’t have the energy for that. I don’t have the energy for anything.
The only thing I want to do is go back to the hospital and spend my day with Raiden, waiting for him to wake up.
I put away all my tools and sweep away the wood shavings into the pan and dump them into my burn barrel where I keep all of the scraps from woodmaking. When I have enough I’ll drag it to the backyard and dump it in the fire pit. Maybe invite Sophie and Damon over so they can roast marshmallows, I’m sure Damon would love that.
By the time I’m done with that, sweat is beading my temples and my shirt clings to my back. The sun is high in the sky, creating a warm shine to battle against the cold settling around us. Winter is here, and there won’t be any reprieve for another couple of months.
My phone rings from where I left it propped, Hollis’ ringtone blaring way too loud in the early morning. What could he possibly want? If he’s using this to gang up on me too, I’ll snap my phone in half and ignore everyone’s calls. I’m staying away. I’m holding up my end of the bargain.
While the smell of treated wood enveloped my senses last night, I decided that I couldn’t be around people. I wanted to be an asshole and to rage out, to show them how feral I am when I can’t be around Raiden, but that would further prove their point.
I let it go to voicemail, the eerie silence blanketing me in its uncomfortable cocoon until my phone starts to ring again. Hollis.
“What?” I answer the phone, letting my annoyance bleed through the line.
“You have to get to the hospital now.” His words are fast, almost muddled through the haze of confusion. Why is Hollis calling me? What could have happened.
My mind starts thinking the worst. Raiden. Raiden.Raiden.
