“He told me that he loves me, and that he loves you. He also told me that he hopes I become a dancer when I grow up.”
Damon is promptly pulled away from me, my mom taking him off to my dad so they can share a slice of cake that Sophie made this morning for this pseudo party.
As it carries on, I feel the pieces of my soul crushing under the pressure. Compacting down until they’re nothing but dust and dirt, ready to be washed away with the rain.
I know Raiden loves me, even if we never got to experience it truly together. I can never doubt that, or doubt his love for me.
I have to keep being strong. I have to carry this weight and be here by his side until my dying days. I don’t give a flying fuck what the doctor says. Raiden is going to wake up. Hehasto wake up.
Finally the night dwindles down. Connor and Hollis are the first to leave, with a promise to talk to me tomorrow. It’s the same goodbye they always make, but now it feels more like an omen for what’s coming.
Sophie and Damon are next, poor Damon is fighting sleep and cried the whole time he was saying his goodbye to everyone. He clung extra hard to me, begging me to let him have a sleepover at my house. I promised himone day.One day, when Raiden gets to come home and everything is as it should be, Damon can come over whenever he wants and spend the night. It broke my heart to watch his eyes fill up with more tears as his lips turned downwards, but I’ll make sure to fix it next time I see him. I’ll spoil him with pizza, and a spiderman toy. It’ll be fine.
Ace leaves not too long after. My parents are sitting beside Ema and Rodney, the two guys talking about a basketball game that they both watched last night, catching up on highlights. My mom and Ema are just watching me, both of their eyes zeroed in on me and I shrivel under their scrutiny.
My dad finally stands, and Rodney follows. My dad slaps me on the shoulder and says he’ll see me tomorrow before Rodney and him disappear from sight.
Gee. Thanks dad for feeding me to the sharks.
“Jericho,” my mom says all serious like and I gulp. I flash back to all the times I snuck out of my house and went over to Raiden’s when I wasn’t supposed to and how everytime I wouldsneak back in she would be waiting there for me with the same expression on her face.
“Mom,” I parrot back hoping it’ll clear the obvious tension brewing.
“Me and Ema were talking…” and she looks at Ema. Ema nods her head in silent support and my mom continues whatever she was about to say. “And I’ve let you do this for far too long without saying anything. So, as your mother, I need you to listen to me.”
I freeze, the serious tone freaking me out even more. I’m prepared for a scolding. For monopolizing Raiden’s time when Ema and Rodney are also very obviously struggling.
“You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You look like shit.” Her harsh words hit me in the solar plexus, promptly knocking the wind out of my sails. “We hate seeing you like this. And Raiden would hate knowing that you’re doing this to yourself. So with that… You’re going home. You’re going to sleep in your own bed tonight and tomorrow you’re going to do whatever the hell it was that you did before Raiden ended up here.”
I can’t, though. I can’t go that long without seeing him. If I don’t spend the night, I’m here before breakfast is brought up. I haven’t gone that long without seeing him since he’s been here and I refuse to do it now. Doing it now feels like giving up, and I’m not giving up on him.
“I see you shaking your head, but listen.” She stands in front of me, capturing my face in between her palms and tilting my face down to look her in her eyes. “You can’t do this to yourself. It’s not healthy. You’re going to run yourself ragged and then it’ll be too late. You need a full night's rest and a nice breakfast. After you sleep in yourownbed all night, I’ll come over and make breakfast.”
“You’re teaming up on me,” I accuse, stepping away and pointing my finger at her and Ema. My anger is irrational, but if I let the pain take hold, I’ll never come up for air. Anger is good,anger is something I can work with. I’ve felt anger, I’ve been angry. I was in the military for fuck’s sake, and if you’re not angry at something in the military. you aren’t doing something right.
“We’re not teaming up on you–” my mom starts saying and I cut her off.
“You are! Ema wasjustsaying the same thing to me today. The same exact thing and I agreed. Why are you trying to keep me away from him?” I’m hysterical now, accusing both of them for trying to keep me apart from Raiden but can’t theyseeit? I don’t care how I look or what I lose. If I don’t have him, I havenothing.
Money doesn't matter. My house doesn’t matter. Mylifedoesn’t matter without him. He’s the storm, bringing thunder and lightning and reminding the world that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. You need to have the rain to experience the good things life has to offer.
“Sweetheart,” my mom says slowly, trying to calm down the beast raging inside of me. “We’re not trying to do that at all. But we’re concerned. Don’t make us worry about you, too.”
Too. Too. Too.
They’re worried about Raiden, and somehow they’re still finding a way to worry for me. What I’m doing should be none of their concern. I’m still living and breathing, and that should be good enough. Why is it not good enough?
My inhales and exhales are choppy, not enough oxygen flowing in my lungs to combat my racing heart.
I can’t leave him.
Or.. maybe I can. Maybe I need to. To trulyshow themhow much I need to be here. I’ll do their song and dance, and when they realize how much of a raging cunt I’m going to be without seeing Raiden, they won’t question me again.
“Just for tonight and tomorrow. I’m coming here no later than three. That’s it.” I list my demands like I’m creatingsomething for them to take to the grocery store to meet my needs. I don’t budge though, I won’t.
“Okay, sweetheart.” My mom is too happy, the smile on her face soft and I have to turn my head as disgust coats my tongue. Not at her, but at the situation I’ve been put in.
They leave the room as I prepare to tell Raiden goodbye.
