He lifts his head and glares at me and I freeze, not sure what the right course of action is right now. Even through the blue, his brown irises burn bright.
“Why are you trying to be nice? You should hate me. You should be the one who has been praying for my downfall more than anyone else. I’ve hurt you, multiple times.”
I know!I want to scream, to rage and destroy this house and everything in it. I want to knowwhy.Why he’s done the things that he has, and why he’s waited so long to acknowledge it. But I can’t, because that’s not what I feel when I see him in pain. “That’s not me.”
“I know it’s not. Iknowit's not you. I wish it was though. I wish you would get mad, to tell me to fuck off and never talk toyou again.” He looks at me, his eyes fragile and coated with tears, the two tracks of sleek diamonds leaking out of them and smearing his makeup. “But I’m selfish when it comes to you, and I’m glad you agreed to talk to me.”
“So what happens now?” I change the subject, trying to ignore the slight butterflies I get when he says he’s selfish when it comes to me. It's toxic, the sameownershipI used to feel about him, reflected back in how he feels about me.
“The label says if I do it, I will lose my contract. Everything I’ve worked for and all the money I have because of them will be gone. Poof,” he spreads his hands in a disappearing motion and laughs loudly, the sound maniacal and unhinged. “After everything I’ve accomplished, it will all be gone. Just like that. Any chance I have at dancing again will be gone with it too. I’ll be blacklisted and never allowed in Hollywood again.”
I don’t say anything, because there’s nothing I can say. Nothing I can offer and anything I have will fall flat. His mind is made up, it's obvious to me as he slumps back onto the cushion on the end of the couch.
The one question that has been eating at me bursts through my lips before I’m ready. I want to grab them and swallow them back down. The one hint of closure I’ve been needing for the last five years to be able to move on. The answer I’ve craved in the silence of nights when I haven’t been able to sleep. The wish on stars in the desert. Words I needed to hear when thunderstorms would roll and lightning cracked outside.
“Why did you leave? That day at graduation?” He swallows loudly, a slight sob breaking free from his chest as he buries his head in his hands. Raiden’s shoulders shake and I stare at him. Waiting for something, anything.
“I was scared to lose you,” he finally whispers and my mind shuts off.
You lost me anyway.
“Josh cornered me, after graduation. He saw the kiss, and hemade me feelawfulabout it. He said I was using you. That it was my M.O. to rely on you when I didn’t have anyone else. Everything he said made sense, Jer. I did use you, every time I needed something, you were there. You never questioned or made me feel guilty. You deserved more than me relying on you to be at my beck and call.”
He’s right, I did deserve better. And I found it. I have a life I love. Friends who I see often enough I never feel neglected. A job that gives me purpose and keeps me going day to day. A boyfriend I adore, and who cares for me. I haveeverythingI’ve ever wanted.
But a part of me is still missing, my soul is existing outside of my body. That’s his fault. I want to hate him, to stand on the sidelines and do nothing as he watches his world crumble around him. He is losing everything and is going to have nothing. He’s going to experience the same thing I did when he left me. And I still can’t hate him for it. I still want to protect him.
I’ve learned my lesson though, from the countless times we’ve been through this before. I can be his friend, and keep my distance. I can protect myself, keep him close enough to help him as well.
“What do you need from me?”
He scoots closer to me, and I stand up, refusing to be the shoulder he leans on. If I’m going to keep the distance, I need to show him right off the back where my boundaries are.
He seems to realize his fuck up, he doesn’t try to stand and approach me again. “Sorry,” he says, forlornly staring at the space I vacated.
“I’ll grab us a drink, and I need to call my boyfriend.” I leave him on the couch, going to the kitchen and grabbing both of us one of my dad’s beers from the crisper, cracking the tops open with one hand while I dial Liam with the other.
The phone rings for so long I think his voicemail is going to pick up. I mentally prepare myself for the message I’m about toleave when the ringing cuts off and his voice is on the line. “Hey, I have a quick minute, what’s up?”
My mouth dries and I take a swig of beer to wet my throat and help the words out. “I just wanted to call and let you know I’m at my parents’. Raiden is here and he’s going through some things right now.”
“He’s at your parents’ house? Right now?” Liam’s voice is skeptical, and I can hear the loud sounds from the gym echoing in the background.
“Yeah, he asked if we could talk…” And now I’m realizing how this probably sounds to my boyfriend, who knows my history with Raiden. “I promise nothing has happened,” I assure him quickly.
His exhale is annoyed, the sound quick and over before I can acknowledge it. “It’s fine, Jericho. I know that you two are friends, even after everything. I’m not going to fault you for caring about him still.”
“Just as friends though, we’re just friends. I’m with you now, Liam. And I never want to give you a reason to doubt me.” The pit in my stomach widens, the nausea building and growing until my mouth waters with saliva.
“I’ll never doubt you. I trust you.”
I exhale a relieved breath and ask, “How’s your shift going?”
“I wish I could say awful, but this client is so nice. She’s older, and I think she needs a friend. At least, that’s the way she’s talking to me. There’s a lot of drama going on in her crocheting club and she’s been dying to tell someone about it. Now I have beef with a seventy year old woman named Brownie. How fucked is that?” His chuckle causes my own, the contagious sound ringing happily in my ears.
“Well if you have beef with her, as your boyfriend, so do I. I’m going to learn how to crochet just to upstage her.”
“I’ll tell Martha, I’m sure she’ll be so happy to know we’re both on her side.”
