“I’m a biker,” I puff up my chest while Rian grins at me, “I drink motor oil for breakfast.”
“Dad,” she holds it out the word with a whine, but I can hear the laughter underneath.
“Come on,” I coax her, “there is nothing fun about carrot cake.”
She twists her mouth to the side in the same way she has since she was a toddler and trying to be serious. The thing is, she’s never been able to maintain her little serious act for very long.
And when she doesn’t want me to see her smile, she tries to hide it by twisting her mouth.
“Then maybe lemon and raspberry? I don’t want it to be too fancy or anything.” She pauses and narrows her eyes at me and adds, “And no unicorns this year.”
“But I thought you loved unicorns,” I protest with a frown.
“I used to, but I’m going to be ten and I’m not a little girl anymore.”
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, but I blink them away. The thought of her growing up is rough, but I’ve been so damn proud to be her dad at every stage of her life. I don’t think it’ll be changing anytime soon.
“You’ll always be my little girl,” I tell her, my voice thick with emotion.
She rolls her eyes before shooting me a sheepish look. “I forgot to put my favorite jeans in the hamper, and I’d really like to wear them tomorrow. Can you wash them for me?”
I let out a low groan as my lips thin into a hard line. I’m not even sure how many times we’ve had a conversation aboutputting her clothes in the hamper and letting me know how full it is. But I still stand up and give her a nod which has her breathing a sigh of relief. It won’t be long before she’s doing her laundry herself; something to look forward to and dread.
“I’ll throw a load in now,” I call out as I head toward her room.
Even though I have a room at the clubhouse in the casino the Steel Sinners run, Elysium, Rian and I needed our own space. A little girl can’t grow up in a clubhouse or a casino. Even though I’m sure my brothers wouldn’t have minded all that much, living amongst glitter, princesses, and everything pink would have been grumbled about.
This way, we get the best of both worlds.
When I step into Rian’s room, I can’t help but scowl at the dirty clothes on her floor. On the floor, not in her hamper. I collect everything quickly, including the pair of jeans in question. Just as I’m about to head out and load the washing machine, something on her desk catches my eye.
Everything else is covered in stickers or marker drawings, but the envelope on her desk, which clearly has something in it, is pristine. After glancing at the door, I grab it and carefully pull the paper out and unfold it. As much as I respect my daughter’s privacy, my curiosity gets the better of me.
The letter is short, but it has my heart clenching in my chest.
Dear Dream Mom,
I’m not sure what is taking you so long to find me, but I’m still wishing on the stars for you to find your way to me. Do you look at the stars and think about me? I know you’re out there because I can feel it.
The woman who gave birth to me has never been like the moms my friends have. I think she wasn’t meant to really be my mom and there was some sort of mistake.
I’m glad I have my dad, he’s the best. But I miss you. I don’t even know you and I miss you.
Sometimes when I’m twirling, I can feel you dancing next to me.
I’ll be looking for you. Don’t take too long? I’m not the only one who needs you, dad needs you too.
I love you already,
Rian
My heart breaks for my daughter and I hate that the indifference of the woman who gave birth to her touched her at all. I’ve spent her entire life protecting her from Shania. And I failed her.
I failed my girl. The reality of it slams into me as I fold up the paper and slip it back into the envelope.
The yearning and the need my little girl has for a mom, one worthy of the title, fucking wrecks me. I don’t know if she’ll ever have the connection she is clearly craving.
I’m reminded of when Shania tracked me down a few months after our one night together. The victorious expression on her face made me scowl and I crossed my arms across my chest as if that would be enough to shield me from whatever was coming my way. And I knew something was coming.
