Mrs.Patterson, oblivious to the insincerity in Liam’s voice, handed him her heavily annotated copy ofHot Dudes, Hotter Planet.“Here you go, dear.Borrow my copy for this meeting.I’ve marked all the important parts.”She ran her finger down the abundance of colourful sticky flags poking out from between the pages.“They’re colour-coded.The index is on a sticky note inside the front cover.”She leaned closer to him and whispered, “The red ones are the sexy bits.Sit next to me.I’ll explain things if you get lost.”
Liam’s mouth hung open as he watched the Pattersons go to their seats with the rest of the book club members.
“Come on, then.There’s no way you’re getting out of this now that everyone has seen you, so you might as well join in.”His muscles bunched under my fingers when I grabbed his arm, and I swallowed hard.Damn.I wonder what he looks like shirtless?I thought before I could stop myself.No!It didn’t matter what was under his shirt, no matter how good his muscled arm felt in my hand.But somehow I couldn’t stop myself from sneaking another squeeze, hoping he’d flex again.
“Oh, yeah.Okay, sure,” he said, dazed.He blew out a rough breath.“Let me grab my coffee.I’m sure I’ll need to be caffeinated for this.”
“Okay, wait.You’re saying they aren’t magical?What’s so special about these alien dicks, then?It can’t be only the cold.”Liam leaned forward in his chair, elbows on his knees.
A collective laugh rose from the members of the book club at Liam’s confused expression.Mr.and Mrs.Patterson gave each other knowing looks.Liam was in for one hell of a shock.
Should I have warned Liam that his Nana would be here before Mr.and Mrs.Patterson wrangled him into staying for the meeting?Maybe.But if I’d given him a chance to walk away, I wouldn’t have witnessed this conversation, and I had a feeling it would be way too good to miss.
“Have you ever heard of the Rabbit?”Nana asked, and a snort of laughter burst out of me.
“You mean like the Easter Bunny?”he asked, his voice thick with confusion.He turned to me for an answer, but it was all I could do to shake my head.I couldn’t get words out even if I had wanted to.
The room erupted in laughter.Giddiness surged in my belly as I thought about where this was going.Poor, confused Liam.Wait.I take that back.He deserved this and more after not visiting his Nana for years.
“No, not like the Easter Bunny.”Nana rolled her eyes as though she couldn’t believe she had to explain this to a grown man.“It’s a vibrator with a special extension for clitoral stimulation.It’s very effective.Changed my life.”
Several of the other ladies present murmured in agreement.Liam gaped in horror.And me?I laughed my ass off as quietly as I could manage.
“A Rabbit and a little blue pill saved our marriage,” Mr.Patterson declared.“Only the best for my wife.”He beamed at Mrs.Patterson, who patted his cheek affectionately.
Liam’s face turned a startling shade of red as he screwed his eyes tightly shut.
“Well, imagine the Rabbit married a Rose—that’s a different kind of clitoral stimulation toy, Liam,” Nana said, her tone instructional as though she were guest hosting on the Sunday Night Sex Show with Dr.Sue.“It has amazing suction, which makes things incredibly intense.Some versions have an added protrusion to simulate tongue-like action.”She demonstrated by flicking her tongue, and next to me Liam released a gutturalheurksound.“Verysatisfying.”
Liam stammered, “I just—I don’t—” He heaved an enormous sigh of surrender, his head dropping forward, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose beneath his glasses.“Please, for the love of god, just stop.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer; I lost it.I doubled over, wheezing as tears streamed down my face.I had no idea how badly I’d needed the laugh until it was happening.I’d been on edge since my parents’ phone calls had started.I deserved this.
“Oh my god, Liam, you should see your face,” Sierra squealed, wiping away tears.“You joining the book club is officially the best thing that’s ever happened to us.”
“I didn’t join the book club.I was tricked into showing up and conned into staying.”He turned to Sierra when he noticed she’d joined the meeting.“You,” he said, pointing an accusing finger.“Why didn’t you warn me about this?”
“Who, me?”She pressed a hand to her chest and batted her eyelashes.“I distinctly remember telling you to get over herebeforethe rowdy book club started talking about alien porn.I may have left out the part about your Nana being here for it, but I think we can all agree that it worked out beautifully for the rest of us.”
The room erupted in laughter once more.Sierra grinned.“Best.Book Club.Ever.”
The tight knot of anxiety that had taken root in my chest loosened, and for the first time since Liam had shown up in Carlisle Creek, and since my parents had started calling again, I could breathe.
As weird as it sounded, I hoped Liam came to the next one so we could do it all over again.
nine
a shitty assignment
Liam
Afterthatcatastropheofa book club meeting, I’d seriously reconsidered whether my return to Carlisle Creek was a good thing.I doubted I would ever recover from hearing Nana compare a fictional alien penis to not one, but two different styles of sex toys.That’s not a thing you forget.I should probably go ahead and schedule a lobotomy if I want to be able to face her again.
Not only did Nana scar me for life with her toy talk, but Mrs.Patterson’s very,verydetailed notes in the margins ofHot Dudes, Hotter Planethad me questioning my choice in accommodations.Between those notes and the extraordinarily graphic yet exquisitely rendered instructional diagrams that Mr.Patterson shared with me for “additional context”, I questioned whether the plastic coverings at the B&B protected the furniture from more than the usual spills.The mere thought of it made me shudder.
Don’t get me wrong.I was all for elderly folks having healthy sex lives, but I had no interest in having any part of it described to me in vivid detail.Nor was I eager to see potential evidence of it when I tried to enjoy the public spaces at a place that should have been restful.
Despite all that, what concerned me the most was the way Maya had reacted when I walked in.She wasn’t angry, or even hilariously irritated like she had been before.She just seemed … sad.Maybe it was from what Sierra had hinted at earlier—the stuff Maya had been through in the past.Or maybe I was overthinking it, and she actually disliked me.Either way, my chest hurt at the thought of never finding out which it was.
