Chapter 17 - Johnny - Johnny, Put the Kettle On
“Honey, I’m ho—” I’m cut off when a herd of children barrels into me, tackling me to the lawn in front of my parent’s house. I let out an exaggerated groan of pain and roll over, getting to my feet and keeping a low fighting stance. I’m staring into the faces of seven wildly grinning children, only four of whom I recognize as related to me.
“Who are you?” I lift my chin to the three kids I don’t know. “I need to know the name of my enemies before I take them down.” Really, I don’t much care who they are. If they’re hanging out at my parents’ place, they’re fair game. That, and they took part in sneak attacking me when I opened the front door, so they started it.
Not that I’d actually hurt children. It’s play-fighting, and it’s all in good fun. Mostly. They still need to be taught a lesson.
My nephew, Tyson, answers. “These are the new kids from across the street. That’s Braden, Sarah, and Austin. Braden is in the same grade as me and is going to come to my school.”
“That’s awesome, kid.” I tell him. Tyson has had a hard time making friends. To put it more accurately, his bright red hair has made him the butt of many ‘kick a ginger’ and ‘ginger’s have no souls’ jokes. Kids can be little dickheads. Hopefully, this Braden kid will stick by him once school starts. “Now, who’s ready for a battle of epic proportions. I won’t take it easy on you because you’re just kids. Keep that in mind, noobs.” I point at the three neighbour kids. “I’m Uncle Johnny and I am going to take you all down. Show no mercy!” I yell, beating my chest like a gorilla.
The older kids giggle and the youngest of those present, Jack, my sister Ava’s four-year-old, breaks ranks and runs right for me. I make the critical error of not paying attention to him, because hey, he’s four, what kind of damage can he do? Turns out, it’s a lot.
He can do a lot of damage.
While I’m distracted watching the older, bigger kids rally, Jack runs as fast as he can, coming straight for me. I look down at the last second, and see he has his head down, intent on using it as a battering ram. Realization dawns on me too late, when his fully formed, incredibly hard skull rams full speed into Little Johnny and the Twins.
“Aieeeee.” I let out a high-pitched keening noise that sounds suspiciously like a teakettle, and drop to my knees, tears already forming in my eyes, as the contents of my stomach, the cookies and coffee I had earlier at Aiden’s, attempt to stage a comeback on the grass in front of me.
“Gotchu, Unca Johnny, I winned. Nana, did you see? I winneded Unca Johnny.” If I had room in my brain for anything other than pain, I’d correct him for saying ‘winned’ instead of ‘beat’ or ‘defeated’ but all I can think of is my poor, mangled testicles, and all the little babies I’ll never be able to have now. “I hitted him, Poppa. I hitted him right in da’ nuts.”
With blurry eyes, I can see my parents, and some sisters, maybe, standing in the doorway. My ears are working perfectly, though, and I can hear them all trying so hard not to laugh when I finally give up the fight and tip over face first into the lawn, hands still covering my dick.
“Alright kids, everyone get into the backyard. Let’s give Uncle Johnny a few minutes to catch his breath.” My mom takes over, herding the kids back through the house, and my dad comes over to help me up.
“Well, wasn’t that a bit of good fun on a Sunday afternoon, eh?” Dad says with a smile, pushing me onto my back with his slippered foot. “That Jack, you got to watch him.”
“Yeah. So fun,” I groan, still holding my dick, rolling side to side just a little. “Thanks for the warning, Dad. Don’t you think maybe it would have been better to warn me before he took away my ability to procreate?”
“Oh, I don’t know about that now,” he chuckles while he pulls me from the ground. For a man in his sixties, he’s still incredibly strong from working with his hands his whole life. “It gave the rest of us a good laugh. Did you hear the noise you made when you went down? I called out to your mum to make me a cup of tea because I thought she’d set the kettle on.”
I dust off my jeans, ridding myself of dirt and lawn clippings before walking through my mom’s house. If I track dirt on her freshly mopped floors, my squashed berries will be the least of my worries.
“Come on, Johnny,” Mom calls from the kitchen. “I made you an ice pack. Now, here you go.” She fusses over me when I get to the kitchen, leading me to a chair and forcing me to sit, dropping a bag of frozen peas in my lap.
“Ice your nuts, son. I’ll grab you a beer.” Dad wanders to the garage, to one of his special beer fridges. He loves beers as much as I do and he keeps a couple of mini fridges at different temperatures for different brews. “I got a new one you’re going to be real keen on, I think.”
The house continues to bustle around me, kids, adults, and even a dog or two, running here and there, all speaking loudly, laughing, and just generally contributing to the feeling of home.
There’s nothing quite like being home surrounded by a family that cares. I could do without the headbutt to the junk, but even with it, there aren’t many places I’d rather be. Here, but with my own wife and kids with me, that’s about the only thing that would make this better.
Mom sits across from me, her cup of tea in hand, and pats me on the hand. “Now, are you going to tell me about this girl who’s got you all tied in knots? Or am I going to have to get Jack back in here to take another run at your manhood?”
I snort a laugh. “I give. I’ll tell you. Don’t bring in the big guns.” Dad comes back in and hands me a beer, before disappearing out to the backyard with the rest of the family, leaving me alone in the kitchen with mom.
“Travis says you’ve been spending a lot of time with this girl?”
“Ha! What would Travis know? He’s always over here helping you guys with stuff. I can’t even remember the last time I saw him at our place.”
“Hmm, is that so?” Mom takes a sip of her tea. “Well, I can’t say he’s been herethatmuch. I have seen him helping that nice young lady from across the way once or twice, though. Have you met Finley yet?” I shake my head no. “Well, she’ll be joining us for dinner tonight. You met her kids outside when you arrived, I think.”
Maybe that’s where he’s been. Has Travis gotten himself entangled with a single mom? I’ll have to ask him about it next time I see him. If I can get him away from the rest of the guys, that is. I don’t want to broadcast his business in the middle of the studio with everyone else there to give their opinion. He’s my brother. I’ll give him shit but I won’t out him to anyone.
“Enough about Travis. What about this girl? What’s her name?”
“Her name is Becca. She’s a photographer, and we first met after the last show we did. She was there to shoot the special meet and greets set up by the radio station.”
“Travis says she has nearly as many tattoos as you. Is that why you liked her at first?”
