When Gran, Gladys, and Lana said they’d have to cancel their party because they shot their dick loads too soon, Ryder came up with a plan. Gran had given us the idea herself when she described the penis party she threw as a gender reveal for one of the staff at Peaceful Pines. She and Gladys had handmade hundreds of different sized dicks out of crispy rice treats for that party and we are going to recreate the magic tonight, using different ingredients.
Before we left the precinct, we called all of our reinforcements to have everyone meet us at Alex and Connor’s place because they have the biggest kitchen. Then we made a quick run to the twenty-four-hour grocery store and stocked up on ingredients. Every member of Sleeping Dogs is here, along with all the significant others, friends, and hangers-on they could find.
It’s all hands on deck tonight.
Johnny and Alex are doing the baking and the rest of us will work on decorating what they make and constructing dicks out of store bought baked goods and candy. Gran saved all the gigantic, inedible dicks they had made for that other party, so we sent Devon with her to get them out of storage at Peaceful Pines.
“Is this the sort of activity you usually do?” Cathy asks Gladys while constructing a magnum dong from a whole jelly roll cake, a couple of giant muffins, and a small round cake. “Do you often make penises out of foodstuffs?”
“Oh no, this is for our new gender reveal party business. This is the back-up plan because we ‘accidentally’ shot our glitter dicks all over your house and yard.” Gladys uses air quotes with the word accidentally, confirming for me that shooting Frank Martin’s house with millions of tiny, glittery dicks was not actually an accident. “But at least the guests of the party will still be able to see them, so it wasn’t a total waste.”
“Usually our evenings involve a little less dick,” Lana adds helpfully, a sweet smile on her lips. “Though not for lack of trying, at least on Gladys’ part.”
Gladys shoots me a dirty look. Rhea and I are working at the magnum dong station with Cathy, Lana, and Gladys. I’m the only one who gets the dirty look, though.
“I’ve been trying to see this boy’s wee willie winkie for years and he’s been refusing to show me. And from the looks of it, he’s going to do the same thing to me as Ryder did and run off and get married before I get a chance to have a peek. It’s not fair, I tell you.”
Rhea laughs. “You know, Gladys, there are easier ways to see dick than lusting after younger men of your acquaintance. You could take a trip to Vegas with the girls and hit up some strip clubs. I think Gran would probably be up for that.”
Each of us has completed one dick and we’re working on our second when Gran and Devon arrive with the giant dicks from the retirement community. Gran comes to join us at the magnum dong table and Devon heads to the puny pee-pee crew in the living room.
“What are we talking about over here?” Gran asks, pulling over her jelly roll and other ingredients. “I thought I heard the word Vegas when I was walking in.”
“Rhea was suggesting you all take a trip to Vegas to see some strippers so that Gladys will stop trying to get a look at my penis.” I glance over at Rhea before I continue. “I don’t think she wants to share me with anyone.”
Rhea doesn’t skip a beat. “He’s not wrong. I’m terrible at sharing. Besides, I licked it, so it’s mine now.” She turns and gives me a big grin and a wink. She goes back to forming foreskin out of fondant to partially cover the head of her magnum dong. She’s an equal opportunity cock-struction worker. Some of her dicks have foreskin and some don’t.
I shake my head a little to clear it. Did she just say what I think she said?
She sure did,says my dick.Tell her she needs to do it again if she really wants to own me. Oh fuck, who am I kidding? She’s the only one for me.
Shut up, dick. This is important. I need to find out if she really meant it.
“Did you just tell a table full of ladies that you licked my dick so now it’s yours?” I whisper into her ear. “Because if you did…”
“Oh, ha. Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I? Oops.”
I shove my hand into her hair and pull her lips to mine, kissing her deeply in full view of everyone at the table. Rhea fists her hands into my shirt and pulls me closer, kissing me back with just as much desperation as I’m feeling. There’s whistling and yelling in the background and somewhere in my mind I remember that we have an audience but I just can’t be bothered to care when this beautiful woman just told me I’m hers and now she’s kissing me like it’s the only thing that matters. Eventually, she breaks the kiss, but she doesn’t drop my shirt. Instead, she looks up into my eyes and smiles.
“I guess it was okay,” I say with a chuckle. “Besides, that same rule applies to you. So if I’m yours then you’re mine.”
Her grin spreads across her face. “Well then. As long as that’s settled.”
“It’s settled,” I say, mirroring her smile.
“Ahem.” Johnny clears his throat from the doorway. “Now that we’ve determined you two are in love or whatever, can we get these dicks finished? I’ve had my hands on more cocks tonight than I ever thought I would in my life.”
It seems that while Rhea and I were kissing and laying claim to each other, the rest of the dick construction crew had gathered in the doorway to watch the show. Bunch of pervs. But I can’t complain. I just had the most amazing woman I’ve ever met say that I’m hers and she’s mine. If these clowns want to watch me kiss her, that’s their issue, not mine.
But the faster we get these dicks done, the faster we can get out of here, so, with that in mind I yell, “Alright guys, back to work. I need to get my woman back to my place so I can lick her thoroughly lest some other dudes start getting ideas.”
Rhea smacks me on the arm. “Aiden,” she hisses. “Don’t say stuff like that.” She looks upset for a moment, making me worry I took the joke too far, then she adds, “Your place is a spooky freak show full of poltergeists and pig-men, remember? You can’t expect me to want to get naked with all that going on around me.”
I bark out a laugh. “Oh yeah, right. Your place it is, then.”
For some reason, Rhea making light of the bad memories in my house doesn’t bother me. I held on to that place for years as a reminder of my horrible father and what I needed to avoid, but Rhea is right. I won’t turn into my father just because I share his DNA. I’ve done everything in my power to avoid that fate, and I think I’ve done well. I can allow myself to love someone without being afraid of what could happen, because I am not my father and I never will be.
“So, I’m looking for a good realtor. If any of you know one, give them my number.”
