Aiden - Glitter Dicks and Dick-sco Balls
“And we must’ve miscalibrated the timersandthe detonators because the next thing we know-BOOM!- tiny, shiny dicks are flying out of the cannons directly at the neighbour’s house. I guess we misjudged the amount of explosive needed too, because the dicks shouldn’t have been able to fly that far.” Gran almost pulls off looking contrite but Ryder and I both recognize the gleam in her eyes, which tells us there’s a little more to this story than she’s letting on.
“Oh, don’t forget the stickiness,” Gladys says. “That’s what made them think it was vandalism.”
“Right.” Gran pats Gladys on the leg, then looks back at me and Ryder. “The dicks were sticky,” she adds, like that explains everything.
“Well, now, it’s not that thedickswere sticky. We don’t just go around shooting sticky dicks at people’s houses.” Lana pipes in from her spot at the end of the bench. “Imagine shooting off sticky dicks all willy-nilly.” She chuckles.
“Oh no, of course not. Shooting sticky dicks would be wrong,” Gran agrees.
“The foam that shoots out of the cannon with the dicks though, now that stuff is sticky.” The three ladies all nod together, becauseobviouslythe liquid is sticky and not the dicks. That makes way more sense.
“That’s right,” Lana says. “But we must have mixed up the ingredients for the solution because instead of minimally sticky foam, we made super sticky foam. Which means the dicks will take much longer to wash away.”
“But they will wash away, eventually?” Ryder asks. “So what’s the problem then?”
“Well, the man who owned the house was quite angry when he saw all the glittery, but not sticky, dicks stuck to his house,” Gladys tells him.
“And his car,” says Gran.
“And driveway,” Lana adds.
“And flowerbeds.” Gladys finishes.
“Sounds like this guy’s whole property is a giant glitter dick disco ball. A dick-sco ball, if you will.” Ryder bursts out laughing.
I snicker at Ryder’s joke.
Dick-sco ball.
Classic.
“I don’t see why that would bother him, though. Glittery dicks look way fancier than that giant dick he has burned into his lawn. You think he’d appreciate the addition of a bit of dick glitter. No matter how sticky the foam is, I guarantee those dicks will wash away before the grass grows back on that big lawn dick.” Gran gives me a pointed look while she says this.
Holy shit, she’s more devious than I thought. How did she pull this off? And how did she know where Frank Martin lives? And sticky glitter dicks? Maybe Ishouldhave been letting her assist me all this time. Glitter dicks are less damaging than salt dicks in lawns, and way easier for passers-by to see from a distance. I’m making a note of this for future use.
“Gran, why were you setting up glitter dick cannons, anyway?” Ryder asks her, finally.
“Funny you should ask. We started a gender reveal party business after talking to Rhea about it last family dinner. So we were setting up at our first client’s house. The granddaughter of one of our neighbours at Peaceful Pines is having a baby, so he hired us to set up for a party that’s supposed to happen tomorrow morning.”
“We’re going to have to cancel on our first party now, though. It’s too late to get new dicks and ingredients for the explosives. All we have set up is the giant dick tunnel in the backyard. And as we all know, one giant dick tunnel does not a penis party make,” Lana says sadly. “I really hate letting people down this way.”
Gran and Gladys both nod their heads in agreement.
“But at least they had security camera footage that covers their yard and the neighbours that they gave to the police to prove our innocence.”
“Did you say security footage?” I ask Gran, worry and excitement warring for equal ground in my belly. Security footage from a neighbour could be great for Rhea, but not so great for me.
“Yes, they have footage going back months and months.” Gran smiles. “All but one day. Apparently, their security system suffered a glitch and didn’t record anything from this past Sunday night to Monday morning. So strange.” She shoots me a little wink just as Kaden gets back with the paperwork.
“Alight ladies, it’s official. You are free to go.”
Chapter 43
Rhea - Meeting the Mrs.
“Officer Ryan, you remember Mrs. Martin, don’t you?” The captain calls my attention to the woman sitting in front of his desk. “She asked if she could speak with you for a moment now that we have some new information in the case against her husband.”
