33
Ryder - Hairlessness Inspections for Science and Stuff
“When were you going to tell me about knocking up this lovely lady?” Gran has recovered from her stumble into the house, all traces of embarrassment at being caught long gone.
“Yeah,” Gladys pipes up. “You know how long we’ve been waiting for you or Hunter to inject someone with your baby gravy so we can be great grannies?”
Yet again I’m shaking my head, running my hand over my face. I haven’t had a chance to talk to Denise about Aiden’s plan yet, but even if we were to pretend that the baby is actually mine, I don’t think I’d be able to include my Gran in the lie. I’m too close with her to lie about that. Not that I think it would matter to her either way.
“Gran, the baby isn’t Ryder’s,” Denise says. “It’s a complicated situation with an ex-boyfriend, and Ryder has been helping me. He pretty much rescued me from the asshole last night.”
“Is that so?” Gran’s face is unreadable as she looks between me and Ryder. “What happened?”
“I broke up with him last week, before I knew about the baby. Last night I told him I was pregnant, and he freaked. Started screaming at me, insisted the baby wasn’t his, accused me of cheating, broke a ton of picture frames, nearly destroyed my embroidery collection, and broke a lamp. Ryder came in just as he was closing in on me.”
“Aiden and I were both there, so I brought the dude outside to Aiden. He and Devon tried to follow him home, but he lost them somehow. So for now, we are all taking turns hanging out with Denise, so she isn’t alone. At least until we find Andrew and Denise figures out how she wants to proceed.”
Gladys sips tea that smells suspiciously like straight whiskey, out of a teacup with ‘whore’ emblazoned in gold letters across the side. “Well, I’d say the solution is obvious.”
“I’d have to agree with you on that, Gladys.” Gran says, sipping her own tea/whiskey from her own teacup, but instead of ‘whore’, hers reads ‘cunt’ in golden cursive. God, I love my Gran. She is her own brand of crazy and it’s so much fun. Even if it can be a little embarrassing sometimes.
“And what is this oh so obvious solution?” I ask. I know the solution that I’m rooting for. It’s the one that ends with me and Denise together, raising this baby with Andrew nowhere even near the picture.
“You need to step up, Ryder,” Gladys says with an exasperated sigh. “This guy doesn’t seem to want this baby to be his. And he sounds like he would be a shit father, anyway. Tell people it’s yours and that’s the end of it.”
“Well now, that’s not the end of it,” Gran adds. “You can’t just tell people it’s your baby, without actually acting as if that baby is yours. You’ll have to be the father.”
“I can’t let him do that.” Denise jumps in before I have the chance to say anything. “I can’t trap him into raising another man’s baby.”
“Oh, bullshit,” Gran spits. “Genes aren’t the only thing that make a man a father. I’d say that loving the mother and treating her and her family right has a hell of a lot more to do with it than a little swimmer making it to the finish line does.”
“OK, Gran. I think that’s enough for now. Denise is fully capable of taking care of this in her own way.” I look over at Denise. “For the record though, that’s the exact same idea that Aiden and I had.”
“Oh no, I won’t have everyone ganging up on me over this. It’s bad enough that Devon and Xena had the same idea. I swear, if Alex and the rest of the guys come to the same conclusion I’m going to take myself to one of those old school homes for unwed mothers.”
“Oh horse shit,” Gladys laughs. “Those places are awful. They won’t even let you swear. And forget masturbating when the pregnancy hormones get the best of you and send your libido through the roof. I’m so glad my Donald came and rescued me from the one my parents sent me to when I was a girl. We eloped and had a crazy sex filled honeymoon in Las Vegas.”
Gladys’ eyes get a little misty as she tells the story. She doesn’t talk about her husband often, but I know she misses him. He passed about 10 years ago, the year before she and my Gran both moved into this retirement community. They’ve been neighbours and best friends ever since.
“Well, that’s something to keep in mind, especially since Andrew isn’t likely to come and rescue me.” Denise chuckles a little. “And even if he tried, I certainly wouldn’t go with him. That ship has sailed. I’m honestly not even sure he deserves to be a part of this baby’s life but I know I need to at least consider it.”
“Oh no, dear,” Gladys clarifies. “The baby’s father didn’t rescue me. Donald was one of my best male friends. I’d always had a little crush on him, but my family didn’t approve. When I fell pregnant with the baby’s father, and he tried to cause me to lose the baby by throwing me down the stairs, my parents sent me away to keep me safe. Donald got wind of the situation and beat that dickhead seven ways from Sunday and sent him packing. Told him to never show his face in that town again. Then he came and found me and the rest is history. My parents certainly changed their minds about Donald after that.”
That sounds almost exactly like what Denise is going through right now, and I can see from the look on her face that she’s not prepared to deal with this information just now.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Gladys. Donald was a very smart man to snag you.” I look over at Denise. “We should probably get going, though. Alex needs us to stop and grab something at the grocery store. Thanks for the tea, Gran. I’ll come by in a few days and get my clothes, if you can throw them in the dryer for me?”
“You’re just going to run around topless?” Denise asks. “I don’t think they’ll let you in the store like that.”
“I have a shirt in my car that I forgot to put on for the party last night. It’s a good thing too. I never would have expected a Jell-O ambush when visiting my grandmother in the retirement community.” I shoot Gran a smirk. “They portrayed this as a respectable place when I moved you in. Who knew you’d start a gang of blue-haired miscreants and use me as the victim for most of your trouble making schemes.”
Gran gets up from her chair and comes to give me a hug. “You love it, kiddo. Besides, Hunter gets it even worse than you do when he comes to visit. Ask him about the firecracker incident next time you see him. You won’t be disappointed.”
Gladys cackles from her spot on the couch. “I wonder if that boy’s leg hair has grown back yet? He might have you beat for hairlessness, Ryder. Maybe you should show me? You know, for science and stuff.”
I go give Gladys a hug, too. She might be a dirty old lady, but she is Gran’s best friend, and I know Gran is never lonely or bored when Gladys is around. “I’m not showing you my hairless body, you perv. You can ask Denise for confirmation though,” I tell her with a wink.
“I knew it! I knew you two were bumping uglies,” Gran yells before spinning around to look at Denise. “Does he take care of you? If he doesn’t you be sure to kick him in the wang. This boy knows enough to know that ladies always come first. And hopefully second too, if he’s doing it right.” She winks at Denise.
