“I’ll have you know that I’m like a bat, but for peckers. I can tell how big a man’s dick is using echolocation. Also, I was trying to hear if he was whacking it. Don’t think I don’t know why he sent you in here alone, young lady. I saw that stiffy he was trying to rearrange. And good for you. I hope for your sake he knows what to do with it.”
What is up with these women? They’re more sex crazed than hormonal teenagers. I can’t even come up with responses to anything they’re saying. I’m just too shocked that these cute, blue-haired, little old ladies are talking like this.
“Well? Was he?” Gran asks her.
“No, I don’t think he was. At least, if he was, he was super quiet about it.”
“Well, thank goodness for that. I taught that boy better than to beat his one-eyed custard chucker in someone else’s shower, especially when he’s just a guest for the afternoon.” She taps a finger on her lips. “Although, I suppose heisuncomfortable. All that pent up ‘energy’ and nothing to do with it.” She finger quotes ‘energy’ because she definitely means something far more sexual in nature.
“You know what?” Gladys says to Gran. “I agree. Let’s go for a walk. Leave these two kids alone for a little while.” Gladys wiggles her eyebrows at me.
“That’s a great idea,” Gran says to Gladys. “We’ll be back in half an hour. Put the sheets in the wash when you’re finished with your pants off dance-off.”
Before I even catch on to what they’re getting at, they’ve walked out and shut the door behind them. I’m standing alone in Ryder’s Gran’s living room, and I’m positive she just left so that Ryder and I can have sex. I’ve never been flabbergasted before, but I am definitely flabbergasted right now.
I grab my project bag and pull out my female genitalia embroidery, just to give me something to focus on. Before I can start, though, Ryder is coming back down the hallway wearing just a pair of grey sweatpants, with the waistband of his boxers peeking out the top. The view is enough to make my mouth water.
He looks around and when he doesn’t see anyone else, he asks, “Where did Gran and Gladys go? I thought for sure Gladys would be here trying to get a peek at me when I got out of the shower.”
I put my embroidery down beside me and look up at him. He dried off like a guy, which is to say that he hardly dried off at all, and there are little rivulets of water running down the separation of his abs, down the V of his adonis belt, and soaking into the waistband of his boxers. I swallow hard before I tear my eyes away.
“They, uh, they went for a walk?”
“What? Why would they do that?”
“Well.” I laugh a little, because this sounds so ridiculous, even in my head, that I’m not sure Ryder will believe it. But he knows his Gran, so maybe he will. “Gladys was eavesdropping at the bathroom door to see if she could hear you masturbating. And to use her special bat powers to find out how big you are.” I gesture vaguely toward his cock.
“What the fuck? Why would she do that?” Ryder doesn’t seem as surprised as I was. If I had to describe his reaction, I’d probably have to say he’s mildly amused. Gladys must be nuts on the regular for this to be par for the course.
“She said she knew you were rearranging your hard-on when you sent me in here first. So she figured you’d be taking care of yourself in the shower…” I trail off, not really wanting to say the rest out loud. “Your Gran said something about a custard chucker?”
“Oh fuck,” he says, running his hand down his face again. I have a feeling that’s a gesture he makes a lot when he visits Gran. “They went for a walk because they think we should have sex, didn’t they?”
I just nod my head, torn between laughing hysterically and being shocked into silence.
He comes over and moves my embroidery out of the way before sitting beside me.
“I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his head and sighing deeply. “I didn’t think I’d be in the shower long enough for them to get that out of hand. They must have organized that whole Jell-O fiasco just to get you alone for a few minutes.”
I can’t hold it anymore, and the laughter pours out of me. “That was immediately after she gave me the ‘Bitch’ teacup and told me she knew I was pregnant. That she and Gladys had it figured out as soon as you pulled in the lot with me in the car.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” He looks at me and chuckles a little. “I’ve never brought anyone here before, besides Aiden. And Gladys and Gran nearly scared him off.”
“I could see that. Aiden is pretty quiet compared to them. She and your Gran are both hilarious.”
“Hilarious is one word for it.”
“Your Gran must be the reason you’re so much fun. Although I think she has you beat in the dirty mind department. And I didn’t even think that was possible. She told me to put the sheets in the wash when we were done with our ‘pants-off dance off’.”
He looks at me, and this time I can see the heat in his eyes. “If you could read my mind right now, you wouldn’t be saying that.” Ryder licks his lips and leans in a little closer. “If I said even half of the things that seeing you in this dress has me thinking, you’d never question how dirty my mind is again.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised at how quickly the tone of this conversation has changed. His voice has heat already flooding my core.
“Ever since you came down the stairs at your place, all I’ve been able to think about is what’s under this dress,” he whispers against my ear as his hand traces circles on my thigh just above my knee, sending sparks blazing along my skin. “But my Gran must be crazy if she thinks I’m doing anything with you here in her house, when I know she’s just outside waiting to jump in and catch me with my pants down. Literally.”
He gives me a quick kiss on the mouth and whispers, “shhh,” before standing up and tiptoeing to the front door. He throws it open and two old ladies with guilty looks on their faces come tumbling in, only to be caught by Ryder, one in each arm, as they all crash to the floor in a heap.
