22
Denise - A Good Friend
Thank god for Ryder showing up when he did. I still don’t think Andrew would have actually hurt me, but I’d also never seen him that angry before. I know we didn’t plan this pregnancy, but we were together for a while and we’re both in our thirties. It’s not like having a baby now would devastate his career like it will mine. It’s tricky to be the manager of a band at the best of times, let alone when you’re pregnant or when you have a kid.
“So.” Ryder is sitting beside me, his arm around my shoulders. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“What more is there to talk about?” I ask, while wiping the remaining tears from my face. “I guess you heard the news?”
“Yeah, I may have heard Andrew screaming something about birth control when I was about to knock on the door. So… you’re having a baby?”
“How’d you guess?” Sarcasm has always been my default mode, why should this time be any different. “You win the big prize! Surprise, it’s a brand new baby.” I joke with a cynical laugh. If there is anyone less suited to parenthood than Ryder, I can’t picture it. He’s a thirty-four-year-old man with the mentality of a sixteen-year-old boy. He’s not exactly a bastion of stability. Yet another reason that we can’t be together, even if still think that’s what he wants.
He looks at me, shocked. Well, would you look at that? I made Ryder Sullivan speechless. This is certainly a day for the history books. First, my mild-mannered, accountant ex-boyfriend throws a hissy fit and trashes my house, and now Ryder Sullivan has no words. Will wonders never cease?
“Uhhhh,” he says, while looking around the room at the mess.
“Relax, Ryder, I’m only joking. I know you’re not ready for that kind of commitment, regardless of what you’ve been thinking recently. Who wants to be saddled with a kid that isn’t theirs, anyway? I have no interest in doing that to you.”
“It didn’t seem like Andrew was thrilled with the idea of having his own kid. You guys have never talked about what you would do if it happened?”
“That’s part of what I don’t understand. We have talked about it.” I sigh and lean into Ryder a little more. I feel guilty for using him like this, but I could really use the comfort he’s offering. He is one of my oldest friends, after all. “It’s not like I planned to get pregnant, but we’d both agreed a long time ago that if it happened, it happened. He completely freaked out and blamed me when I told him.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Ryder snorts. “It’s not like you impregnated yourself. I’m pretty sure you lack one set of the required parts for such a thing to occur.”
“Not to mention that isn’t something that happens in humans, even in those with both required sets of parts.” I smile. Ryder can always make me laugh when he wants to.
“Right? Plus, how would that even work?” He turns to look at me, a mischievous grin creeping across his face. “Like, would it all be an internal thing? Or would there be external genitalia interaction? A more traditional penis in vagina type scenario?”
“See, these are the real questions we should be asking. This is where science lets us down. Who cares about space when we need answers to important questions like these?” This conversation is getting silly, but it is working to cheer me up.
“I’m pretty sure I missed my calling.” Ryder laughs. “I should have been a scientist instead of a guitar player. I could be studying reproduction in intersex individuals instead of playing music on stage.”
“Yeah, the world is definitely poorer for not having Ryder Sullivan, the scientist, in it.”
Ryder pulls me close again, keeping his arm around me. I lean my head against him and inhale deeply. He smells like the outdoors, a mixture of earth and pine, and the aroma calms me. We sit like that for several minutes, with me inhaling his intoxicating scent while he holds me and runs his fingers along my upper arm, soothing me.
“I don’t want to tell everyone just yet,” I finally speak, pulling myself out of my reverie. “I’m not ready for them to know.” I don’t need their judgment. This is the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever done, and I can’t stand to see their disappointed faces. I’ll already have to deal with my parents at some point. I don’t need to get it from all sides.
“I will do whatever you need me to, Denise.” Ryder still has an arm around me, but he’s also holding both of my hands in his. I never noticed before how big his hands are. I can feel his calloused fingertips touching my palms, and the tickling sensation is making it hard to focus on what he’s saying. “But I should probably tell you that Aiden came with me tonight. He and Devon will make sure that Andrew goes home and stays there tonight. So everyone may already know. But you should also know that none of us would ever judge you.”
“Huh?” I say, still distracted by the feel of his hands on mine. “Aiden and Devon are here?”
“They’re outside. And Aiden heard Andrew say that the baby is mine, so he knows you’re pregnant. I won’t say anything until you’re ready though.”
I’m about to say something when a huge yawn escapes my lips. Today has been so eventful. I think my body is about ready to shut down, and go into some sort of recovery mode, and let me tell you, I am here for it.
“But it’s not your baby, though. Apparently it’s just my baby, since Andrew doesn’t want to claim responsibility.” I yawn again. I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open.
“Come on, babe,” Ryder says, standing up and holding out his hand. “Let’s get you to bed. I have a feeling this has been a very long day for you.”
I reach up and take his hand, letting him help me off the couch. He laces his fingers through mine and pulls me up the stairs to my bedroom. The bed is still the mess that we made of it before we left to go to the party earlier. It’s hard to believe that was just today. Ryder is right, this has been a very long day.
“You go into the bathroom and wash up and I will get the bed all made up, OK?” Ryder guides me out of the room. “Where are the clean sheets?”
“Linen closet just outside the spare room, right there.” I point to the door in question.
I shuffle into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, all I can see is my puffy red face staring back at me. I make quick work of brushing my teeth and washing my face, pulling on Ryder’s t-shirt again after I’m done. It really is the most comfortable shirt, and not just because it still smells like him. And if I can’t have him, at least I can wear his shirt and pretend. Until I wake up tomorrow morning and I’m forced to deal with what happened tonight, that is.
