16
Denise - Marathon Peeing and the Wonders of Peenjazzling
Saturday comes too soon and before I know it, I’m hanging around the medical lab with the most uncomfortably full bladder I’ve ever experienced in my life.
Ryder invited me to join him and Becca while they distracted Alex at the spa today, and while I’d much rather be doing that, I don’t want to put off this ultrasound. Today I will find out exactly how far along I am, and I may even be able to get a picture. Maybe I can two, so I can give one to Andrew when I talk to him next week. I haven’t set up a day to do that yet, but I know it won’t be until later in the week. I’m not ready to talk to him just yet so he can wait a few more days.
My eyes are on the nondescript clock on the wall as I wiggle and shift around in my seat. I’m trying to sit on the sides of my thighs because it seems to relieve some of the pressure on my bladder. All I want to know is, why do they tell you to drink so much water before you come if they’re going to make you wait so long before they see you? If I don’t get called soon, I’m going to be sitting in a puddle of my own piss, and I certainly won’t be happy about it.
“Denise? We’re all set for you.” Finally the ultrasound technician calls me. She leads me to a darkened room and gives me a gown to put on. “Take off your shirt and bra and put this on. You can leave your pants on, we’ll just push them down out of the way. When you’re done just open the door a crack and I’ll come back in.”
She leaves me to my own devices and I get into the gown in what I imagine is record time. Leaving the door open a crack like she said, I go back and sit on the edge of bed on the far side of the room. It’s pretty spacious in here, which does nothing to distract me from the fact that most women who come for an ultrasound have someone with them.
At least that’s how I always imagined it would be. Me, lying on the bed while the tech moved the wand over my goo-covered belly while my husband looked on with tears and love in his eyes. It’s cool though. I’m a bad bitch. I got this. The tears threatening to fall from my eyes have another opinion, but I don’t have time for that now. I can cry later, when I’m home alone again.
“All set, Denise?” the tech asks from the doorway.
“Yup,” I say back.I left the door cracked, didn’t I?
“OK,” she says, coming back into the room. “Just lay back there and I’ll get you all set up.” She lifts the gown up to just under my boobs and pushes the top of my pants down so far that I bet she can see the top of my landing strip. That was always a bone of contention with Andrew, too. He thought I should be hairless. I thought that only children are hairless and refused to wax completely.
The technician tucks a towel in the top of my pants and squirts a pile of disgustingly warm goo onto my belly.
“It’s so much better now that we keep this stuff warm,” she says, making conversation. “It used to be so cold all the women would jump up off the bed.” There’s no way this girl is old enough to remember that. But then again, what do I know, I have know idea when they started warming the stuff.
She grabs the wand and starts pushing and rubbing it over my belly.
“Oh man, I have to pee so bad.” I laugh. “I hope I don’t wet myself on this bed.”
“Oh honey,” she says to me, never taking her eyes off the screen in front of her, “it wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely won’t be the last. As soon as I get the images your doctor needs, you can go to the washroom and we’ll finish up when you get back.”
“Oh my god, thank you. I feel like I’ve been holding it for days.”
“I know, it’s terrible. You’d think with technology being what it is, we wouldn’t have to do it this way anymore. Sadly, a big ol’ bladder full of liquid is the best magnifying glass we can hope for when it comes to looking at the fetus.”
She makes a few more passes with the wand, stopping and clicking on her keyboard every few seconds before she puts it down. She reaches over and wipes my belly with the towel she’s tucked into my pants.
“There you go, you poor thing. The bathroom is across the hall. Come straight back when you’re done and we’ll finish up and get you a picture.” The smile she gives me is big and bright. That’s reassuring. I was a little concerned she’d see something worrisome that she’d need to tell the doctor about. You know, thanks to this being a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ and all.
In the bathroom, I pee for about half an hour. Okay, probably not, but it sure feels like I was peeing for a long time. And damn, did it ever feel good. I’d heard having an ultrasound wasn’t the most comfortable experience, but I had no idea it was this bad. Who’d have thought holding your pee would be such a hardship?
Once I’m back in the room and settled on the bed, the rest of the ultrasound goes quickly. The baby is being shy so I don’t find out the sex but I do find out that I’m right around 12 weeks along. I can’t believe it’s that far already. I must’ve been really busy the last few months to not realize I was feeling weird and missing my period. A few more minutes and I’m on my way out the door, two copies of my ultrasound tucked into my purse.
It’s getting close to dinnertime, but if I play my cards right, I should be able to go home and catch a nap before I need to get to the bar for the proposal party. I can’t wait to see Alex’s face when she realizes she’s there for her proposal and not a small show like Connor is telling her. I wonder if he’s going to sing to her? It would make sense if he did, considering he’s the lead singer of Sleeping Dogs and all. I’m sure Alex will love it either way, but I think it would take a lot more than a pretty song to woo me.
Oh, who am I kidding? If the right guy sang me a song, sent me a smoke signal, or even sent me an email, I’d probably come running. If I didn’t have this baby to think of, that is. He (or she) comes first now.
I get in my car, and begin my drive home, when my phone rings. It connects to the hands-free feature of my car’s stereo system when I answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Denise. It’s Ryder.”
“Hey, what’s up? How’s the spa day going?” Ryder is spending the day at the spa with Alex to keep her distracted while Connor gets his proposal plans all set up.
He chuckles quietly before he says, “Well, I have a lot more respect for male strippers and the lengths they go to for beauty.”
“Well, shit,” I laugh, “I guess you’ll need to rethink your plan of stripping if this whole band thing doesn’t work out.”
