“Wow, don’t hold back on my account.” I joke. “Tell me how you really feel.”
“Well, since you asked,” she says, “I don’t really like Andrew. He seems sneaky when he’s around us. He never wants to talk, doesn’t take part in conversations, and can’t even speak up when he wants to leave. What’s with the whispering? It’s weird.” She’s teasing me a little, but I know it’s true. He is a little strange and the longer we’re together, the more I see it.
“OK fine, you’re right. I give.” Alex has really broken this down for me. Andrew can be a dad without being my boyfriend, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t need to change my mind about the breakup just because I’m having his baby.
“Now for Ryder,” Alex says. “He’s had feelings for you for a long time. And now he’s saying he loves you?”
“That’s what he said on the phone a little while ago. But I told him I can’t love him; that I need to work things out with Andrew.”
“Right, but we’ve just established that you don’t need to work things out with Andrew at all, so let’s just forget him for now. We can focus on Ryder for a minute. How do you feel about him?”
“I can’t love him. I’m having Andrew’s baby. It wouldn’t be fair to Ryder to have feelings for him now.”
“Denise, are you purposely not listening to me?” Alex asks, sounding a little frustrated. “I asked you how you feel about him, not how you feel about being pregnant. Forget that for now. How do you feel?”
“I… I don’t know. I’ve thought about nothing but him for years. But I worked so hard to push that all away. How can I let myself feel those things now? How can I believe that he won’t go back to how he used to be? I guess I could love him, but I don’t think I should. Does that make sense?”
“About as much sense as anything else.” she says, taking an audible breath. “But you need to realize that if you love him, you don’t need to keep yourself away. He’s a grown man who can decide for himself whether a baby is a deal-breaker for him. But don’t hide from love because you think he shouldn’t want that. Tell him and let him make that choice.”
“Ugh. That makes sense. I just don’t think it’s fair to him. Especially now that he’s told me he loves me. I wouldn’t want him to feel obligated just because he’s already said that. He needs to know that he can still turn away.”
“Admittedly, I haven’t known you guys for long, but I just don’t think that is something you need to worry about. But it is something you have to risk if you want to try. That’s not something anyone can try to talk you into or out of.”
“Thanks Alex.” I feel better, even if I don’t have all the answers yet. “I knew I was right to call you.”
“Anytime Denise. I mean that. Whatever you need, we’re here for you.”
“Thank you. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I feel a little better now that I’ve talked to Alex. I guess I need to talk to Andrew, but I’m not ready to do it yet. He doesn’t need to come to the engagement party this weekend, though, so I text him.
Me- Hey, you don’t need to come to the engagement party this weekend. I’ll call you next week sometime. I have something I need to talk to you about.
Andrew- OK, let me know.
Huh, that was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I figured he’d have questions, but at least now I won’t need to see him around my friends again. I’ll talk to him next week and we can work out the baby stuff. For now, I think I just need to relax. Maybe even take a nap.
Who knew growing a baby would make me so tired. At least I’m not one of those women who has morning sickness all day. The last week was more than enough of that nonsense for me.
