“You guys can see yourselves out,” Connor says to us before running to Alex and throwing her over his shoulder. “Leave the mess,” he tells us before running out with Alex giggling the whole way.
“Yeah, I don’t think dessert is on the menu anymore guys.” Aiden laughs.
Travis is already on his way out, leaving just me and Aiden at the table. Alex’s friend Becca had to work tonight, shooting someone’s Sunday wedding, and Johnny and Devon weren’t able to make it, either.
“See you, Trav.”
“Bye guys,” he says to me and Aiden. “See you.”
Aiden just waves at Travis. He turns to me. “Sit for a minute,” he tells me.
“Um, OK?” I say, taking my chair again. “What’s up, man? Everything alright?” Aiden is the oldest member of our band, and he’s also the quietest. He doesn’t normally talk unless he really has something important to say.
“I know how you feel about Denise,” he says to me. “And I also know how we all feel about Andrew. There’s something wrong with that guy.”
“Right? But what can we do about it? Denise is a grown woman, she can make her own choices.”
“Yes, she is grown, and she can make choices. But have you presented yourself as a choice? She’s never going to choose you if she doesn’t even know that you’re an option.”
“Geez, man. You’re not pulling any punches today, are you?”
“Actually, I am.” he tells me. “If I weren’t pulling punches, I’d tell you that your drinking and fucking around isn’t helping you get over her like you think you want. I know that’s why you’re doing it, even if you won’t say it. You’re a good guy, or at least you would be if you’d stop acting like such a fuckup. So stop being a fuckup and tell that girl how you feel.”
“Well, shit.” I run my hands through my hair and my tongue pokes out to play with my lip ring, a nervous habit that I just can’t seem to shake. “I can’t just tell her something like that. She has a boyfriend. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Normally, I would agree with you. But I get a bad feeling from that guy. I think Denise might just be keeping him around because she feels like she’s run out of options. I overheard her talking on the phone one day, upset about the fact that she’s 36 already, and she’s unmarried. I guess her mom’s been after her about it.”
“She can’t marry Andrew.” Just the thought of that makes me feel sick to my stomach. The three helpings of prime rib with all the fixings don’t help either. “It doesn’t seem like she even likes him.”
“That’s what I’m saying, man.” Aiden gives my shoulder a little squeeze. “Just talk to her. You might not get to be with her, but you might get her away from that guy before something bad happens. If we all feel the same way about him, it means something.”
“He probably has a few bodies in his freezer or something.” I laugh bitterly. It’s supposed to be a joke, but Andrew is so creepy it wouldn’t surprise me if he had bodies hidden somewhere.
When I drive home after dinner, I find myself parking in front of the liquor store. I’m not brave enough to go talk to Denise, but I also can’t think about her with Andrew. A bottle of vodka sounds like good company for the night.
When I get home, I head straight to the couch with my vodka. Why dirty a glass? I drink straight from the bottle while I search for something to watch on Netflix, but nothing gets my interest so I just turn off the TV. It’s totally normal to sit in the dark and drink alone, right?
No wonder the guys think I have a problem.
If I’m being honest with myself, I do have a problem, and it’s gotten progressively worse the longer Denise has been with Andrew. That guy is so wrong for her, but she doesn’t see it. Not that I’m a better choice, no matter how I feel about her. I’m such a fuckup that even if I got her to go out with me, she’d leave me, eventually. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I remember when I was a kid and my mom left. I was six, and Hunter was only three. I was hiding behind the couch when she came downstairs with a suitcase and told my dad she was leaving. Had I not been so curious, I wouldn’t have heard what she told him as she walked out the door.
“I love you Tom,” she told my dad, “But I can’t do this with those kids anymore. Never wanted them, and I still don’t. I can’t be their mother. I won’t put off my life any longer just because you wanted children. Goodbye. Don’t look for me.” And then she left.
She left because of us, me and my brother. My brother didn’t hear what she said, and he was too young to remember if he had. And I never told him about it. Even at six years old, I knew that would hurt him too much. I didn’t even tell my dad that I heard it. He told us she had to go take care of her sick sister. Even with the way she left us, he didn’t want us thinking badly of her. But I never forgot what she said. I never forgot that she left us kids, not my dad. Who abandons a child?
I had a few girlfriends when I was younger, but I always dumped them before they could dump me. After a while, I just stopped dating and stuck to casual sex instead. Seemed to be an easier way to go about it. I never had to worry about anyone leaving because it would never be more than that one night, anyway.
And then I met Denise. When she walked up to me and the guys after a show we played at a friend’s house party, I was instantly attracted to her. Her ice-blue eyes looked right through me, like I didn’t even exist, and I was struck with a need to make her acknowledge me. Even back then she wore a flower in her long black hair, pin-up girl style, and had a take charge attitude. Before she started talking, I decided I would take her home that night to see what was under that wiggle dress and whether that take charge attitude transferred to the bedroom.
Needless to say, that didn’t happen.
She told us, “You guys have a great sound, but you won’t get anywhere playing house parties. You should let me represent you. I’ll get you better gigs and together we’ll take this thing to the next level.” She was only twenty-one then, and she had balls of steel. After that speech, I knew I couldn’t just take her for a night. If I took her home, I’d never be able to get enough. And that was too risky for me.
I tried to convince the guys that we didn’t need her. And like an asshole, I did it right in front of her. Thankfully, the guys convinced me she was right. She’d never had any clients before, but we took a chance on her, just like she took a chance on us, and now here we are. Next level, just like she said. The only price has been my never-ending heartache, because I’ve been in love with her since that day. A bargain, really, considering all she’s done for the band.
So now I’m sitting here again, drinking by myself, wondering what it would be like if Denise actually loved me back. But I know she doesn’t. I’ve done enough stupid shit in the last fifteen years to ensure that she would never take a chance on me now. Instead, I get to sit here alone, wishing her happiness with Andrew, even though it means I will never get a chance.
