My heart races at his words because, as I stare at him, I realize there is no one in my life even close to Luke, in any way, shape, or form, and I love that. I love him in ways that are deeper than our friendship. I love him in ways that are deeper than my own understanding of what it is to love. I love him because he is simply him. I love him because that’s what’s in my heart and my soul. To know him is to love him and I realize that this feeling of adoration and calm has always existed in me when it came to him.
I want him. I want him to stay, and I want to beg him to not leave. I want him to tell me he doesn’t want to leave, but I’m scared to ask him for answers because I don’t know if he can ever choose me because I know he is still fighting that battle with Rex—perhaps for the rest of his life. Perhaps his job will always mean everything to him I know I don’t mean anything, but I still don’t quite come first. I still am not enough, and I don’t want to not be enough, and I don’t want to ask him and findmyself secondary to a subconscious battle that he is not completely aware that he carries.
“I want to tell you, Luke, that I know in your mind’s eye, Rex has always been the golden son, the one that everyone looks at, but you’ve always been that to me.”
“I know,” he says, smiling at me and brushing my hair with his fingers. “You’ve always made me feel good about myself, Mia. You’ve always made me feel like I was enough. You’ve always made me feel like I was more than enough, and I love how honest and open you are. And I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you it was me in the bear suit, and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you that I went skinny-dipping with Talia, and I’m just so sorry about all of it—that I got you embroiled in this crazy plan and we’re lying to our friends and family members, and I just wanted us to be the winners for once. I didn’t want to be the loser in Rex’s story anymore.”
“And you’re not,” I say. As I push him back slightly, I sit on his lap, and I hold him close to me. “You are so much more than the loser in Rex’s story.”
I can feel his hardness between my legs, and I rub back and forth gently at first and then with more pressure. He pushes me to the side and then he reaches up and unbuttons my shorts, and I feel his fingers slip inside my panties, pulling them down. I reach down, and I unzip him. He looks up at me with a question in his eyes, and I just grin at him as I pull his shorts down.
I sit back down on his lap, his briefs the only two things between us, and I stare down at him and rock back and forth. The feeling of desire is overwhelming and heady. I have not known a man in this way before. Not so wantonly. Not so heavenly. Not so delightful. I have never wanted a moment to last forever with anyone else. Only him.
“What are you doing?” he says breathlessly as he reaches up and cups my breasts with his hands.
He squeezes my nipples, and I close my eyes as I arch my back and continue to grind on him.
“Mia,” he says.
“I’m just pretending that I’m a stripper.” I laugh. “You can pretend this is your bachelor party, and I’m the entertainment.”
“Fuck,” he says. “You do not want me to pretend that you’re a stripper.”
“Why?” I say, giggling.
“Because that’s a fantasy I’ve always had,” he says.
He slips his fingers between my legs and slides my panties to the side. I watch as my hand reaches down and my fingers grab his cock, loving the feel of its hardness, and it’s between my legs. Suddenly, I’m rubbing back and forth with it between my folds. I can feel his head gliding against my clit, and I’m growing wetter and wetter. We’re so close to actually having sex, and a part of me thinks all I have to do is grab ahold of him and slide down, and I could be riding him and fucking him. But then he pauses suddenly.
“Are you doing this because you don’t want to get fake engaged to me?” he says.
I stare at him for a couple of seconds, feeling angry and annoyed at his question. “What?”
“I just want to make sure this isn’t some sort of pity lap dance because you feel bad about how Rex has made me feel and?—”
“Of course not. Really, Luke? How could you think that?”
I’m so upset. I’m so frustrated. I feel like every time I try to show him how I really feel, what I really want, he misunderstands me.
I wonder if he just doesn’t see me as more than just his friend, if he doesn’t see me as more than just a fun time and a laugh. Maybe I’m not good enough for him. Maybe he doesn’t see me in his world as more than his best friend. Maybe he’s moved on from ever thinking of us as more, and maybe that’s the lesson I have to learn.
I slide off of him and roll over onto the side and jump off of the bed.
“Wait, what did I say?”
“Nothing. It was just a bad idea,” I say quickly.
“No, but—” He stares at me, dismay in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to say that I thought you wanted to be with Rex or anything. I hope you didn’t misunderstand me.”
I let out a deep sigh. “I know you don’t think I want to be with Rex, but the fact of the matter is, you thought I was doing things to you because of you feeling bad about Rex. What sort of woman do you think I am, Luke?”
“I didn’t …” He pauses. “Fuck. I’m just fucking this up.” He clenches his fist and his face contorts as his chest heaves. I’ve never seen this side of him before.
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “Maybe we’ve both fucked it up. Maybe this was just all a terrible idea. I’m just going to grab a drinkwith Juniper or something.” I don’t want to deal with this right now. I can’t deal with this right now.
“But I thought we were going to go on the treasure hunt,” he says, reaching out to stop me. “Mia.”
“I think I’m going to go to Kona Ice by myself.” I know I’m running away, but I don’t know what else to do. This has all gotten so complicated so quickly. We’d crossed so many lines that I’d thought we’d never cross and it had all been fun and games until everything started to feel too real.
