My cheeks flushed. Was I really so bad at sex, he actually thought this was my first time?
‘I’m not a virgin, Josh.’
For a moment his smile returned, but it was tempered with something tender.
‘I didn’t think that you were.’ He bit his lip, and for a second the flame of desire was back again. I saw it and he knew that. ‘What I mean is that I don’t think you do one-night hook-ups. You’re not a one-and-done girl. This—’ He waved a hand between our semi-clothed bodies. ‘This means something to you.’
If he’d produced a dagger and slid it between my ribs, I doubt he could have hurt me more.
‘And it doesn’t to you?’
It was a tit-for-tat assault, and I could tell he hadn’t walked away from my words unscathed.
‘It would mean too much to me. That’s why we can’t do this.’
I shook my head, unable to reconcile the rejection with his words.
‘I’m a twenty-two-year-old bloke with a healthy sex drive and yes, I can have one-night stands and amazing sex with someone I know I’ll probably never see again. But you don’t do that, do you?’
I lifted my chin in a challenge. ‘Who says I don’t?’
His smile was heartbreaking, because within it I could see how much he thought of me.
‘Me. I do. I know you, Lily.’
‘Youknewme,’ I corrected, bravely trying to restore the tattered remnants of my pride.
‘I can’t make love to you and then walk away.’
As much as I liked the fact that he’d called it ‘making love’ rather than something more earthy, the ‘walk away’ bit was what broke me.
‘And why would youhaveto walk away?’
He looked as though someone was tearing him slowly in half, and part of me was glad this wasn’t entirely easy for him.
‘I don’t want to do anything that would make you think this could go anywhere – at least, not right now. I’m leaving in two days, Lily.’
‘Leaving where?’
‘Leaving the country. I’m part of a twelve-month university exchange program. I leave for Asia on Monday. And when I’m done, I plan to go travelling.’
He reached for my hands, and after a brief tussle when I wouldn’t surrender them, he folded them inside his own.
‘This isn’t the right time for us to be starting anything. Finding you again tonight, reconnecting with my old friend, that’s more important to me than a quick—’
‘Fuck,’ I said, not sure if I was completing his sentence or expressing my own disappointment.
‘Exactly,’ he said with a sad nod. ‘I lost our friendship once because I was too careless with something I should have tried much harder to hold on to. I’m not going to ruin it again for a one-night stand.
‘I’m trying to be a good guy here, Lily,’ Josh said, his voice virtually pleading. ‘I don’t want to lead you on, or make you hope for something that we both know I can’t give you.’
‘Which is?’
‘A real relationship.’
He felled me into a silence there was no coming back from, because part of me knew he was right. Josh shied away from close relationships. It was a lingering scar from his past, long after allthe physical ones had faded. He’d stopped us from going further because he knew it would hurt me more to have him for one night only and then have to say goodbye. I wanted to be grateful to him for trying to protect me ... but it hurt too much.
Josh lifted one hand and brought it to my cheek, wiping away a tear I hadn’t even known had escaped.
