Josh gave a very eloquent shrug. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You never asked?’
‘I never replied.’
My embarrassed blush turned into a flush of pure anger. Eighteen months ago, Adam had already known he was dying. He’d reached out to Josh, for God knows what reason, and my bastard of a friend –ex-friend, a voice in my head immediately corrected – couldn’t even be arsed to reply to him.
I shook my head, my heart no longer sympathetic to Josh and his isolated existence. ‘I don’t know who you are anymore.’
That arrow hit home. I saw him flinch from it, even though he tried to hide it.
‘There’s no need for you to. We’re not part of each other’s worlds any longer.’ He paused, and then surprised me by adding, ‘But for what it’s worth, I was sorry to hear about Adam. He was far too young to die.’
Of all the times I’d never wanted to cry about losing my husband, this had to be the worst moment to feel the burn of tears stinging my eyes. I acknowledged his words with a slight nod of my head, and then tried to hide my surprise when he poured in exactly the right amount of milk and the correct number of sugars I took before passing me the mug. I’m not sure why I felt something stir in me just because, after all these years, he still remembered how I took my tea. But it made me think that somewhere beneath this arctic exterior, the old Josh I’d known still lived on.
‘I’m here today because of a promise I made to Adam,’ I told him. ‘One of the last things he asked me to do was to find you.’
‘Why?’
That was a very good question. I’d had an entire year to ponder it, and I still didn’t have an answer.
‘I was hoping you’d be able to tell me that.’
I saw the shutters coming down in his dark brown eyes.
‘I have no idea. Whatever the reason, he’s sent you on a wild goose chase.’
‘Adam told me that I didn’t know the whole story. That I should ask you what happened.’
Josh gave a shrug that tried to appear disinterested. ‘I have no idea what he was talking about.’ He turned his eyes towards the window. Perhaps he was checking the weather, or perhaps he didn’t want to risk that I might still be able to read what he was thinking from his eyes.
His gaze was fixed on the falling snow when I added, ‘He also said that I had to forgive you ... and forgive him.’
Josh’s hand tightened on the worktop. I saw the knuckles turn white, but his voice gave nothing away. ‘I really don’t know anything about whatever it was he was talking about. Perhaps he wasn’t thinking straight at the time.’
It was a knife that slid straight into my heart. ‘Adam knew what he was saying. He was lucid right up to the end. He did everything in his power to stay with me. This ...’ I waved my hand between us, indicating our unwanted reunion. ‘This was important to him for some reason, and I drove all this way because he wanted you to tell me something.’
I thought for a moment I was reaching him. His tongue unconsciously ran over his lower lip as though it was suddenly dry, while a muscle beside his eye began to twitch.
‘There is nothing Ihaveto tell you, Lily. Nothing. You’ve had a long journey for no good reason. We could have sorted all of this out on the phone.’
‘Yes, well, that would have required you to actually answer my messages, wouldn’t it?’ I challenged.
‘Touché,’ Josh said, with yet another ghost of a smile.
A sudden gust of wind rattled the windows. The lodge appeared to be solidly constructed, but it was still being battered by the elements.
‘You really need to leave right now, Lily,’ he said, sounding almost human as a tinge of concern crept into his voice. ‘The storm is getting worse. I’m surprised you ignored the forecasts and set out in it in the first place.’
‘I didn’t listen to them,’ I admitted, feeling foolish.
Josh shook his head in disbelief and began walking towards the door. Clearly, I was expected to follow him. I did, slipping my fingers beneath Fletcher’s collar and tugging him along.
‘Where are you heading?’ Josh asked, pausing at the front door to pluck a padded jacket from a hook.
I named the village with the Airbnb I’d booked, and then frowned as I saw Josh slip his arms into the warm jacket.
‘I’ll follow you down the track and back on to the lane until you reach the main road again.’
