‘These were in the welcome pack,’ Josh explained. ‘Do you fancy a glass with our breakfast?’
His question spiralled me back to the test I’d taken just hours earlier, the one that was going to change everything.
‘It’s a bit early for me.’
‘Maybe later then,’ he said with an easy smile.
I tried to smile back, knowing that for us there probably wouldn’tbea later.
We ate at a scrubbed pine table beside the enormous window. Or rather, Josh ate, while I systematically deconstructed my pastry into a messy pile of golden flakes.
‘Not hungry?’ he asked, his eyes narrowing in concern.
‘Not really,’ I said, drawing in a deep breath because I knew the time was finally here. ‘Shall we take our coffees outside? I think we need to talk.’
He followed me out of the front door to a nearby wrought-iron bench draped with a sheepskin throw. The fur had been warmed by the sun, and in other circumstances it would have been the perfect spot to sit and enjoy the September morning.
Josh’s expression had changed from the carefree one he’d worn throughout our breakfast. His brow was now furrowed, and his eyes looked troubled.
‘I can’t help thinking I’m going to regret passing on that champagne. You look like I need a drink to hear this.’
I bit my lip. ‘I think maybe you might.’ I drew in a steadying breath. ‘There’s a lot about you and me that feels like we were always meant to be,’ I began. Josh looked as though he was about to pull me into his arms, but I held up a hand to stop him. ‘But there’s also a lot that doesn’t.’
I paused, like an assailant about to deliver a fatal blow. ‘I’ve always seen children in my future. And you don’t see them in yours.’ I sounded ridiculously like a fairground clairvoyant.
His eyes were soft, kind, and that somehow made it all worse because there was still hope in them.
‘I’ve always known how you felt about having a family, Lily. I can still remember you saying, “There’ll be a girl called Scout and a boy named Todd and they’ll be the best kids anyone has ever had.”’
I stared at him in amazement, hearing my teenage dreams being quoted back to me.
‘How on earth did you remember that?’
‘I don’t think I’ve forgotten anything you’ve ever said to me. Because back then, when you talked about the family you wanted to have one day, it seemed like the best fairy tale in the world to a battered and scarred teenage boy who’d never known what that kind of love felt like and didn’t believe he’d ever deserve it.’
My heart broke a little at his words, because you could see that the old pain hadn’t entirely gone away. Maybe it never would.
‘But things got so much better after you came to live with Gordon and Janette,’ I reminded him.
The smile that lit his face was filled with poignant nostalgia. ‘They did. Thanks to them I got a glimpse of how it is to be a parent.Andit didn’t hurt that there was a really cute girl who lived next door.’
Crazily, I could feel myself blushing again.
But when he went to continue, I knew I couldn’t keep putting this off, there had been enough secrets. I had to think for more than myself now, so when Josh reached for my hand again, I pulled away. I couldn’t be touching him when I said this. I just couldn’t.
‘Josh. I’m pregnant.’
I knew that, for the rest of my life, I’d never forget the kaleidoscope of emotions that travelled across his face at my words, each one worse than the one that had come before. Shock, followed by pain and then regret, before finally, dragged up from some deep well within him, a look that did a fair impersonation of happiness. If you hadn’t known Josh since you were eleven years old, that is.
‘That’s fantastic news, Lily. Why didn’t you tell me yesterday?’ The sun was in his eyes, but I don’t think that’s why they suddenly looked watery. ‘I’m so happy for you, I really am.’ With what seemed like a Herculean effort he put a smile on his face. ‘So, who is this new man? Tell me all about him.’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not like that, Josh. Thereisno one else. I meant what I told you last night.’ My hand went unconsciously to my stomach, and I could feel my features softening. ‘This is Adam’s baby.’
The incredulity was back on his face, but I could hardly blame him for that.
He was silent while I explained the path Adam and I had gone down before his treatment had begun.
‘We had all these plans and dreams that he never got to live long enough to see. So now I’m going to see them through alone. But I’m flying blind, because I have no idea if that’s what he’d want me to do. There are so many things I still don’t understand, so many questions I’d ask him if only I could.’
