This time his eyes were full of a thousand memories as he looked at me.
‘You. You happened. You came charging back into my world and made it impossible for me to carry on pretending that I could live the rest of my life without you in it.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘And then something happened when I visited Gordon at the home recently.
‘The dementia has taken almost everything from him now. Each time I see him it’s a little worse than the last. Most times he doesn’t know who I am, and it’s too confusing for him if I keep correcting him. So, I let him think I’m someone else’s relative or visitor. But when I went to see him last time, one of the carers asked him who his visitor was, and ...’ Josh’s voice broke, and I loved that he didn’t even attempt to hide the depth of his emotion. ‘He said, “This is my boy. This is my lad, Josh, and I’m so proud of him.”’
My hand went to my eyes to wipe away the sudden tears that his story had prompted.
‘And in that moment, I knew that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t his flesh and blood, that I didn’t look like him, or that he’d never known me as a young child. He’d been there for me in a million different ways. He was my father in every sense of the word that truly mattered. I called him Dad rather than Gordon for the first time that day. I’ll do it now, every time I see him.
‘And that’s how I know that, if I ever get the chance, Icouldbe a good dad. Because I had one hell of a role model.’
We were both quiet for a long moment, trying to corral our emotions.
‘You don’t have to do this alone, Lily. Unless that’s the way you want it. I could be there for you – for both of you – in any way you want me to be. And it’s okay if that’s only as your friend. I’ll understand if you need it to be just about you and the baby and Adam for now. I get that. I’ll be whatever you want, whatever you need. I can be the best damn uncle this little one could ever have.But if you want me to be more than that ... then I’m in, Lily, I’m all the way in.’
‘I’m always going to love Adam, Josh.’
‘I know that.’
My eyes were on his, and the words that tangled all three of our lives together couldn’t be held back any longer. ‘But I love you too, I always have, ever since the first moment you tried to evict me from that tree.’
His smile was slow in emerging, and it grew so bright it was like looking directly at the sun.
Josh’s voice cracked again with the weight of his words and his eyes were filled with tears I’d never seen him shed before. ‘I fought being in love with you for so long, Lily; I just can’t do it anymore. I’m done. I don’t know what forever feels like. But I do know there is no one on earth I want to share it with except you. We can take this thing as slow as you want or need. But this time I’m not walking away.’
He was on his feet now, standing before me, with a vulnerability that I’d never seen before.
‘I want to be the person who gets to see you grow old. I want to be the person this little baby can always turn to. And I want to be the man Adam trusted me to be when he told you to go find me. Allyouhave to do is tell me what it is that you want.’
It was the easiest question I’d ever been asked, and as I got to my feet and walked into his arms, I knew I was taking the final steps on a journey that had begun with a promise I’d made to another man.
‘It’s you I want, Josh. It’s us. I want us.’
And then he kissed me.
Chapter Forty
Seven Months Later
The lounge looked good – actually, the whole flat looked good. Every surface gleamed and you practically needed sunglasses to combat the reflective glare off the high-gloss kitchen cabinets. The letting agent had staged the apartment before filming it with a passion that made me wonder if she’d always hankered after a career in Hollywood instead of property management. She’d certainly worked her magic, because within hours of the mansion-house flat being listed for rent, there had been a flurry of interest from potential tenants.
I walked from room to room now on a waft of expensive scented candles, which the agent had tactfully suggested I might like to use.
‘That’ll be because of you,’ I’d told a clearly unconcerned Fletcher. He wasn’t here this morning, but was enjoying some park time with Raegan and Polly and their new puppy. Josh wasn’t here either, although he had volunteered to reschedule his plans if I wanted him at my side.
‘I kind of need to do this by myself,’ I said, with a tiny frisson of concern in case he felt like I was shutting him out. I should have known better.
‘I understand. It’s going to be hard letting go of somewhere that holds so many memories.’
It was. I felt the enormity of it again as I walked from room to room, seeing in each one a flickering vignette from the past. In the kitchen I visualised Adam at the hob, a rude slogan apron knotted at his waist, and every pot we possessed piled up beside the sink. I scanned the room and found a younger me, hazy and sepia-coloured, laughing as she sipped on a glass of wine as the offer of assistance was refused.‘I’ve got this,’the Adam mirage said with a cheerful grin, even though he patently had not.
My steps took me past the doorway to the lounge, where the cream settee, its cushions freshly plumped for the potential tenants, momentarily bore an Adam-shaped indent in his favourite seat. I blinked and the cushion was flat again.
A quick, last-minute inspection of the bathroom had me making a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh. Because there we were, for a fleeting second, in the oversized shower cubicle, limbs slippery with soap, hearts pounding with desire, laughingly declaring that shower sex was nowhere near as easy as it looked in the movies.
The bedroom I avoided for obvious reasons, because even though the wardrobes had long since been emptied, and the drawers on Adam’s side of the bed were now bare, this was the room where his presence lingered most. It was why Josh had never stayed here, despite having spent almost every weekend with me for the last seven months.
He’d reached an arrangement with the owners of the farm and had taken out a long-term let on The Old Dairy, which was where Fletcher and I spent much of our time. My dog loved the freedomof the open fields, and the ever-present possibility of catching a rabbit – even though we all knew he’d never even get close to one. And I loved it because it was the place where Josh and I had first laid the foundation stones of our future.
