Could Adam hear those words as they floated on the soft breeze to the place where he would always be forever young, forever healthy, forever the right choice for my heart to have made at that time?
I damaged something precious with my actions that day. I made you lose your oldest friend, and that is truly unforgiveable. And the thought of you not having him there tolean on, because of my stupidity, is why I’m trying, in this very clumsy way, to make things right. I think Josh is a good man. A better man than me. I don’t think he’d ever have lied the way I did.
I’ve always believed if something is meant for you, it will find its way to you when the time is right. And if it can’t ... well, maybe a promise and an old letter will help right the wrong.
Be happy, Lily. Move forward. Find love again. You deserve only the best of futures and I’m beyond sad that I can’t be there to share yours with you. Trust your heart. Follow it. It will take you where you’re meant to go.
Forever, Adam xxx
‘Are you alright?’
It was a good question, and one I had no idea how to answer. I was still caught in limbo halfway between the past and the present, with Adam’s words in my ears and Josh standing there in front of me, his face full of gentle concern. He’d been gone for ages, giving me the time I needed to sort out my emotions, but something told me however long he’d spent walking the hills, it still wasn’t enough.
Josh lowered himself cautiously on to the bench beside me, and Fletcher flopped down at our feet, clearly exhausted from the hike.
‘Did the letter make things better or worse?’ He really had cornered the market with great questions that morning.
‘Hard to tell right now.’ It was an honest answer, but perhaps not the one he wanted to hear.
We were silent for a long time, and when Josh eventually spoke, his voice was low and serious.
‘I hope this little baby knows how incredibly lucky it is to have you as its mum.’
I smiled as I turned on the bench towards him. ‘I think in all the years I’ve known you, that might possibly be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Thank you. You’ve no idea how badly I needed to hear that, because now that it’s a reality rather than just a dream, it’s as scary as hell to be doing it on my own.’
‘I apologise for the appalling lack of compliments in the past,’ Josh said, his eyes crinkling into a smile before his face grew solemn. ‘Is doing this alone what you really want?’
‘Well, I’m not entirely alone. Mum and Dad have been longing to become grandparents for ages; they’ll be really involved. And I’ve got friends who I know will be there for me whenever I need them.’
‘But not me?’
His question felt like a trap that I was about to fall into.
‘What do you mean? After everything you’ve always said, I knew how you’d feel when I told you this news.’
There was an expression on his face that I rarely saw when Josh looked at me. Disappointment.
‘Then maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.’
‘Yesterday you said Adam knew the only thing that would ever make you walk away was me having his baby. And now I am.’
‘That was when you and Adam were about to get married.Of courseI walked away then. I wasn’t about to ruin everything for you by forcing you to choose. You meant too much to me back then to hurt you like that. You still do.’
‘I ...’ There were too many conflicting thoughts flying through my head to grab hold of a single one. ‘Josh, this is a baby. Adam’s baby.’
‘I know that.’
‘This isexactlywhat you said you never wanted. For God’s sake, you even had a vasectomy to make sure this never accidentally happened.’
Josh bit his lip, guilty. ‘That’s notentirelytrue.’ He gave a rueful attempt at a laugh, before his voice sobered. ‘Physically I can’t have kids, Lily. I got sick when I was travelling – I caught mumps, of all things – really badly. It left me unable to give you the one thing I knew you’d always wanted. A baby. The funny thing is, the news really shook me when the doctors broke it to me. I’d spent my whole life thinking I never wanted to be a dad, but when they told me I never could be, I cried. It felt like something had been ripped out of my hands because I hadn’t been holding it carefully enough.’ He paused and drew in a steadying breath. ‘Not being able to have kids was why walking away from you before your wedding was the right thing to do, and why I didn’t come after you seven months ago. I wanted you to find a way to make that dream come true.’ He shook his head as though the new information still hadn’t found a place to settle. ‘And you have. And I’m happy for you ... and I’m happy for Adam too.’
And I knew him well enough to see that he meant that. He really did.
‘But do I wish it had been me and not him? Hell, yes.’
My head was spinning, unable to reconcile the man who’d never wanted a family with the one who was now saying everything I’d always wanted to hear.
‘What happened to make you change your mind?’
