‘I really do,’ I said, turning to face him.
Josh’s face was hard to read in the shadows.
‘He said what he did because I believe Adam realised the only thing that wouldevermake me walk away was knowing you were having his baby.’
Chapter Thirty Seven
Sleep took so long coming I almost gave up on it. I’d battled so restlessly with the duvet that even Fletcher had eventually decided the floor was a better place to spend the night. By the light of the moon, through the bedroom shutters I hadn’t properly closed, I saw practically every hour on the clock face click over to its neighbour.
I wondered if somewhere in his Airbnb Josh was also lying awake, staring at the same moon and replaying our conversation over and over in his head, the way I was doing.
After our third circuit of the lake, our feet had strayed from the path and led us into the thicket of trees beside it. This time. when Josh took my hand, I knew it wasn’t because the terrain was uneven. I looked up at him in the moonlight filtering through the branches like delicate filigree silver. In that moment I felt safer than I’d done in a very long time. I didn’t want to compare it to the way Adam had made me feel, because that was different. It always would be. But it felt like I was stepping on to a boat that was sailing gently away from the shore. I could imagine Adam standing on the pier, watching me go and giving that gentle smile that belonged to no one else but me.
‘Just so you know, I had this whole speech worked out to give you,’ Josh said.
The shadows hid my smile. I’d known it, but only because I knew him, better than even he realised. My life had tangled itself with Josh Metcalf’s in my formative teenage years and, despite the passage of time and all that had happened in our friendship, I’d never managed to unwind my past from his.
‘Was it a good speech?’
‘I was quite proud of it,’ he said with a nod.
‘Go on then. I’m all ears.’
Josh shook his head. ‘Now that you’re here, I realise I don’t need a rehearsed declaration, because ...’ He gave a small shrug. ‘... because it’s you. And it’s me. It’s always been you and me, Lily.’
‘Except when it wasn’t,’ I quietly reminded him, in case the fact that I’d spent five years happily married and deeply in love with another man had somehow slipped his mind.
Josh’s smile was gentle. ‘That’s true.’ The fingers that were linked loosely through mine tightened a little. ‘I know Adam is always going to be here. And that’s okay, because he’s part of you ... and there isn’t a single part of you that I would ever want to change.’
My steps slowed so I could see his face, searching for the doubts that had always been there, but tonight I couldn’t find any trace of them.
‘I knew I was getting it all wrong as I watched you drive out of the clearing seven months ago. I knew I was making yet another stupid mistake sending you away to find someone else, when even the thought of you in another man’s arms sliced me to shreds. I ran after your car as soon as it disappeared out of sight.’
‘You did?’ I couldn’t hide my surprise.
He nodded. ‘And then I ran back to fetch my car keys. I got as far as the edge of the dirt track before good sense kicked in. I toldmyself I was doing the right thing in letting you leave. You wanted a life I couldn’t give you, a life I had no experience of. A life you’d already known with a man who’d loved you so much he couldn’t bear the idea of you being left alone after he was gone. It takes a big man to admit he was wrong and then try to put things right the way Adam did.’
He gave a small, almost reluctant laugh. ‘I liked Adam. I really did. I mean, for a great many years I wanted to kill him in the worst way possible ... but I liked him. He was a good guy. He didn’t deserve what happened to him, but hediddeserve you. And as I sat there in my car, on the edge of chasing after you, I realised that I still didn’t. If I loved you, if I’deverreally loved you, I needed to set you free to find someone better. Someone not so damaged.’
He looked down at me and shook his head, almost as though he was disappointed in me.
‘You were meant to have found someone else by now. You were meant to be halfway in love with a new man who could give you the world.’
‘It was never going to happen that way, Josh. I knew that even when I was leaving your forest. Most people – if they’re lucky – get to have one amazing love story in their life. I’ve already had two. More than that would just be greedy.’
‘Do you understand why I’ve not been in touch with you for all these months, Lily?’
‘I do,’ I said. It sounded like the vow I’d made to another man a very long time ago.
‘But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since February and a hell of a lot of kicking myself for being the biggest fool of all time.’
He looked at me then, as though waiting for me to contradict him.
‘You’ll get no argument from me,’ I said.
‘Anyway, what I realised was that all the things I didn’t know how to do, all the things I was afraid of feeling, weren’t nearly as terrifying as the thought of not trying to make this thing between us work. I know we have a lot to figure out. There’s a lot of baggage – mostly mine – that needs to be unpacked. And I’m still scared there are things you want – that you have every right to expect – that I won’t be able to give you.’
‘You’re talking about a baby?’ I said, my voice trembling with the weight of the secret he still knew nothing about. He nodded, and a spasm of pain passed over his features.
