We walked in silence towards the lake, drawn there by the glittering pull of moonlight on water. The ground was uneven, and my summer sandals weren’t exactly suitable for off-roading. Josh reached for my hand when he saw me wobble. I should have pulled it free as soon as we were on level ground, but I never did.
The moon was high in a star-scattered sky. It fell like a spotlight illuminating us like actors on a stage. I didn’t need its milky white beam to see that Josh was angry. The emotion had turned his face into a miniature Mount Rushmore, all rigid planes and sharp edges.
‘You look annoyed.’
‘That’s probably because I am.’
He turned to me, and his eyes softened. ‘Not with you. I’m angry – no, scratch that – I’m furious with Claire. She should never have told you about me and Adam.’
‘No, Josh,’ I said quietly. ‘That was your job.’
He flinched but didn’t deny it. ‘Nowyousound angry.’ I dodged that one with an eloquent shrug.
‘I should probably never have said anything to Claire in the first place.’
‘Why did you?’ It was a question that had been bugging me since his sister had turned up at my door.
Josh sighed. ‘I guess at the time I needed to talk it through with someone who I knew would be one hundred per cent on my side.’
‘Oh well, you picked the right girl then.’
‘I wasn’t in a great place, Lily, after it all went down.’ I felt a pang of guilt for the old pain I could never heal. ‘And Claire listened and gave me advice.’
‘The fact that I’m still alive must mean you didn’t take it.’
Josh’s sudden laugh startled a small, swooping barn owl. We came to a stop and watched the bird’s passage through the night sky. It felt almost magical.
‘She’s not as bad as you think, you know. Her heart’s in the right place.’
It was news to me that Claire evenhadone, but I knew better than to say that to him. She was the closest thing Josh had to a blood relative, and I admired her fierce loyalty. The last thing I’d ever want was to damage their relationship, not when his own biological family had treated him so terribly.
‘She never forgave me for moving to Scotland though, and she never stopped blaming you for that.’
Adam’s lie was like a never-ending explosion that was still sending out shockwaves.
‘But what about you, Lily? Areyoustill angry with me?’
I could have lied, but this felt like a night where only the truth should be spoken. ‘I’m moredisappointedthan angry.’
Josh gave a small smile. ‘You’re going to make a great mum one day. You’re already fluent in the language. Any time I screwed up as a teenager, Gordon and Janette would never say they were angry – even though they had every right to be. They’d always say they weredisappointed.’
Josh’s comment about me being a mum had unwittingly opened a door. Here was my opportunity to tell him about my plans to have Adam’s baby. And yet, when my lips parted, I couldn’t find the words. Not a single one. This wasn’t the right time.
‘If it’s any consolation,’ I said instead, ‘I’m nowhere near as angry with you as I am with Adam. I’d give anything to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. I want to yell at him for not trusting me or trusting our relationship enough with the truth. But more than anything, I want to know why he thought the only way of keeping me was to lie to you.’
I hadn’t realised my words had made me cry until Josh delved into his pocket and produced a tissue. I took it and then held out my hand for another. It was already there waiting for me.
‘And this isexactlywhy I never wanted you to find out about my conversation with Adam,’ Josh said quietly. ‘I never wanted to be the person to knock him off the pedestal you had him on. I never wanted to be the one to make you question him, or his actions. Because when all’s said and done, hewasthe right man for you ... At least, he was back then.’
The end of that sentence hung in the air above us like a cloud.
‘But why thatparticularlie? He could have said anything, made up any excuse to get you to leave.’
Josh gave a small laugh that held absolutely no humour.
‘Do you really need to ask that, Lily?’
We were standing beside the footpath that led to a nature trail, the lake glistening like a pool of diamonds behind us.
