‘I grabbed a couple of hours’ sleep this afternoon at the Airbnb,’ he said.
I wasn’t quick enough to plug the next gap, and an unexpected awkwardness descended like a mist between us. It was as though we were trying to reach each other from opposite sides of a minefield, where one wrong step could blow everything up.
‘Why are we here, Josh?’ I asked, jumping straight into dangerous waters.
‘I could saybecause you chose this restaurant, but I’ve got a feeling that answer would probably earn me a kick under the table.’
That pulled out a smile. I cleared my throat nervously as though I was about to address an auditorium, instead of the person I’d known for practically my entire life.
‘I thought we’d left things in a sensible place back in the forest,’ I said, directing my comments to the cutlery on the table, because it was easier than looking into his eyes. ‘I’m pretty sure we agreed that for now there wasn’t going to be a next chapter in this story for us.’
‘I guess I flipped to the end of the book and didn’t like the way it finished,’ he said, taking my literary allusion and running with it. ‘I thought there might be an epilogue that we hadn’t properly considered.’
It was the worst moment to be interrupted, but bad timing had always been a thing with us. We both jumped when a chirpy young voice asked if we were ready to order. Blindly I jabbed a finger at a couple of items on the menu which could have been two desserts and a side order of fries for all I knew. Josh chose almost as speedily. I think we were both keen to pick up the threads of our conversation before it totally unravelled.
Alone once again, he reached for his glass of soda and took a sip before continuing. He had the look of a man who really wished it contained a shot of something stronger. ‘When we said goodbye at the cabin back in February ...’ he began, his voice low, ‘it felt like we were breaking up. But the thing is, Lily, it couldn’t really be a break-up, because we’ve never actually been in a relationship.’
‘We’ve had a relationship for the past twenty years or so, Josh.’
‘That was a friendship, not a relationship,’ he corrected softly. He drew his chair a little closer to mine. It was only a matter of inches, but it felt like he was bridging a canyon.
‘I’ve started to think people shouldn’t break up without being together first.’
‘I assume you don’t mean in the biblical sense, because I think we’ve already ticked that box.’
It was good to lighten the mood and see him smile.
‘That wasn’t what was on my mind.’
In a way his answer disappointed me. Had he found it easy to dismiss our one night together, or did it haunt his memories ... like it still did mine? He drew in a deep breath, and it was only then that I realised this was a speech he’d practised before tonight. For some reason I found the idea of him rehearsing it, perhaps reciting it in front of his bathroom mirror, incredibly endearing.
‘I don’t want to put any pressure on you, Lily. And perhaps you’ve already moved on – and if you have, I’m happy for you, I really am.’ He bit his lip, and I truly didn’t think I’d ever seen him look so nervous. ‘But I’m having a really hard time consigning this thing to a box labelled “It never would have worked out anyway”, and I wondered if maybe – just maybe – you were feeling the same way.’
I wasn’t sure how to answer that, and never got the chance to, as a group of waiters bearing a birthday cake with enough candles to set off every smoke detector in the restaurant approached the table beside ours. They led the room in a rousing chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’, which I joined in with, despite having no clue who was actually celebrating. Josh kept silent, and I could feel his eyes on my mouth as I sang, making me worry that my lips still looked ridiculously pouty.
By the time the candles had been blown out there was a decidedly jovial mood in the room. And I welcomed it. Part of me wanted to simply enjoy this evening on a superficial level, but it was impossible to ignore the conversation we ought to be having. And it was getting harder to silence the voice in my head – the one that wanted to ask Josh straight out why he’d refused to tell me what had happened between him and Adam all those years ago.
Josh wasn’t responsible for Adam’s questionable actions, but as my friend he should have told me what had gone down. He should have had my back. I’d trusted them, and in different ways they’d both let me down.
Someone on the birthday party table produced a box of party poppers, and through a colourful rainbow of streamers I saw the waitress heading our way with two steaming plates of food. I was so busy trying to see what I’d ordered, I almost missed Josh’s next words.
‘But before we say anything else, Lily, I owe you an apology.’
I steeled my features to stay in neutral as I lifted my head and met his worried gaze. He swallowed hard before speaking, and my eyes were drawn to his throat, which appeared to be working overtime.
‘I understand Claire came to see you the other week. She had no business doing that.’ His words catapulted me straight into a conversation I wasn’t sure I was ready to have in the middle of a noisy restaurant.
‘Oh. I wasn’t sure if you knew about that.’
Josh looked about as guilty as someone who had done nothing wrong could possibly look.
‘She accidentally let slip that she’d been to see you.’
‘Did she tell you what she said?’
He nodded, caught the expression on my face and then frowned, suddenly hesitant. The landmines were there, right beneath his feet.
‘She said she’d warned you not to ... mess me around.’ He gave a half smile, and I was horribly afraid it might be the last one that would pass his lips for a while. ‘Except – you know Claire – she put it more colourfully than that. Anyway, you have my word that it won’t happen again.’
