Amelia was pretending to read a magazine, but the speed with which the pages were being turned gave her away. We were miles apart, despite being in the same room. I’d moved to the window and was staring at the incoming waves as they crashed on to the beach, realising how much I was going to miss this place when I left. When my mobile rang, I knew it would be Nick’s name on my phone screen and my stomach flipped over and seemed to collide with my heart, which was already beginning to sink. This was it.
Amelia looked up, her eyes following me suspiciously as I turned away from the window, headed towards the hall and slipped out of the cottage. The wind felt sharp, like a slap on my cheeks as I crossed the pathway and stepped on to the beach. I should have stopped to pick up a jacket, I realised, as I shivered in my loosely woven jumper. Or perhaps it wasn’t the weather that was making me tremble. It took two attempts before my unsteady fingers managed to answer the call.
‘Hey,’ Nick said, and even though I’d locked my emotions behind a steel wall, he almost took me down with that one word. He sounded so happy, and I was about to ruin all of that.
‘Hello.’ My voice sounded as tight as my grip on my mobile.
‘Is everything all right? I’ve just got back and found your note.’
‘Everything is fine,’ I said. It was the first lie, but I doubted it would be my last of the day.
‘Oh, good. You had me worried for a moment. I thought something had happened to Amelia.’ The relief in his voice was palpable and I felt like a monster for hurting a man this caring.
‘Is Dotty okay?’ I asked.
Nick sighed, and I heard the exhaustion in the sound. ‘She will be, but it was touch and go for a while. I’m sorry it took me away from you, but at least the outcome is positive.’
It might be for the horse, but sadly not for us.
‘I’m glad, really glad,’ I said, my voice cracking unexpectedly.
‘Lexi, what is it? What’s wrong? Don’t tell me everything’s okay because I can hear that it’s not.’
‘We need to talk, Nick.’
I heard his single hard swallow, as though the lump in his throat was almost as large as the one in mine.
‘You’re starting to scare me here. Is this something I should be worried about?’
‘I… I really don’t want to get into it on the phone.’
His sharply indrawn breath told me he was already on the right page of the book I’d never wanted to open.
‘Where are you? At Amelia’s?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m leaving right now.’
I went back into the cottage and pulled a quilted jacket down from the hook beside the door and then, as an afterthought, grabbed a handful of tissues and stuffed them into my pocket. I had a feeling that however many I took, it was never going to be enough.
I don’t like to think how fast Nick must have driven to get to me so quickly. It brought back the memory of our speedy drive the night before, although it would be hard to find two more contrasting situations.
Twenty minutes after ending our call, Nick pulled up amid a shower of gritty sand. He parked his car some distance from the row of fishermen’s cottages and climbed out without even glancing towards them. Somehow, he knew exactly where he’d find me. I dug my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket and watched him cover the distance between us. His stride slowed and then faltered when he got close enough to read the expression on my face.
He shook his head slowly, as though in disbelief.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, longing to run to him and take it all back, to unsay the terrible words I’d yet to utter, to unbreak the heart I was about to shatter.
‘Why?’ It was a sorrowful question and one I couldn’t properly answer.
I shook my head. He deserved so much more than I was giving him.
For a long time, neither of us spoke.
‘I’ve fallen in love with you, Lexi.’ It was the one thing I wanted to hear more than anything, and the last thing I ever wanted him to say. ‘I just wanted you to know that before you say anything else.’
There were two Nicks standing before me, then four, and then a whole army of them as my vision blurred with tears.Me toowas right there on my lips; but telling him that would only make an impossibly painful situation even harder.
