“Fine,” I grumble, storming to my room and slamming the door. I don’t make it to my bed before tears stream down my face. I bury my face in my pillow, stifling my sobs. No one comes down the hall or yells at me about slamming doors—I’d almost prefer it if they did. I at least expected Cyrus to come, but if he’s here, he doesn’t make his presence known. I’m not sure why he would, though, not after the way I left, leaving before he had the chance to abandon me again. The lack of reaction is infinitely worse, like they don’t care whether I’m here at all.
I can’t keep doing this. I cut myself open for other people, forcing myself into the shape they demand of me—cutting deeper until there’s nothing left of me. I let myself bleed out, draining any trace left of who I am. How do I continue this way, cutting off the parts they deem intolerable, turning myself inside out, and still fail to be seen?
I liein bed until my tears run dry, floating in and out of consciousness. Every once in a while, footsteps shuffle beyond my door, but it never opens. My eyelids drift closed again, and I’m stuck in stasis, unwilling to get up and face whatever waits for me out there.
“Jace.”
My eyes peek open, my hazy mind processing the sound. My lips quivers, fearing I only imagined it.
“Jace,” the voice whispers in my ear, a hand gently shaking my shoulder. “Come on, little doe.”
“Cyrus,” I murmur, the word sliding slowly from my mouth. “What are you doing here?”
“I promised I’d never leave you again, even if it means watching you from afar for the rest of this afterlife. I’ll alwaysreturn to you, little doe. Even the shadowy veil of death can’t keep us apart.”
“You’ve been here the whole time?” A lump lodges in my throat. I sit up, watching the last glimmer of blood red sunlight dance across my bedroom floor.
“You got a bit of a head start,” he says, sitting next to me on the bed. He chuckles wearily, pushing his hair back. “Your folks say anything to ya?”
“No,” I groan, anger swelling in my chest. I let the feeling fade, unwilling to give them any more energy than I already have today. My voice softens into melancholy. “They’re still ignorin’ me, pretendin’ like I’m not even here. Your pop called mine, though, lookin’ for me.”
Cyrus grits his teeth, his jaw tightening. “That bastard has no limits. Only he’d call the parents of a girl he just kidnapped askin’ if they’ve seen her.”
His face scrunches, like he’s remembering something painful. His body shivers, and he turns to look at me, eyes glassy. I reach for his hands, folding them into mine. We’re silent for a moment, both waiting for the other to speak.
“Come with me? I have somethin’ I need to show you,” he finally says, helping me up.
29
CYRUS
Quiet tension hangs over us like a storm cloud, swollen and ready to drench us in uncertainty. We take turns starting to speak, quickly falling back into silence. Her hand squeezes mine as we reach the tree line, her eyes filling with fear.
“It’s getting dark,” she whispers, barely above a squeak. “What if thatthingcomes back?”
My muscles tense. For a second, I consider telling her everything that was just revealed to me, but there’s something she needs to see first. Selfishly, I want a few more hours with her before I do. “I’ll keep you safe,” I promise, even though I’ve never been able to before. The agonizing truth is, I’ve always been too close to the source of her grief, too close to being the cause of her pain. My gut twists into knots, remembering something my mama always told me:“We always end up hurting the ones we love the most”.
Jace’s lips curve in the hint of a smile. She squeezes my hand again, signaling me to continue leading her into the woods. The trees shroud us in darkness, even though the faint orange glow of the setting sun is still visible through the breaks in thebranches. She walks closer to me, her chest brushing my back. Every so often, her feet catch up to mine, causing us to stumble.
“Where are we going?” she finally asks, an edge of anxiousness to her tone.
“We’re almost there.” And we are. As soon as the words leave my mouth, the trees part, and we step out into a clearing.
“The lake!” Jace gasps, taking in the meadow of snow. The blanket of white almost sparkles, twinkling with the light of thousands of stars in the clear sky above us. “I haven’t been here since the last time I came with you. Ten…”
“Ten years ago,” we say at the same time, both of us staring across the snow-covered lake as though we’re looking back in time.
When I close my eyes, an eighteen-year old Jace sits on the bank of the lake, dipping her toes in the water. She tilts her head, laughing, her ash blonde hair flowing in soft waves down her back. Life should have been simple, but even back then, the sins of my old man weighed heavy on me.
“Our first time,” she sighs, ghosts floating in her eyes. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”
“Ouch,” I chuckle, thinking about how different things could have been. She knows I’ve always had one foot out the door, and she loved me anyway.
“Not like that! I mean, it was right after my going away party, and I never thought I’d convince you to move to the city with me.”
“I should have gone with you then. I shouldn’t have waited.” I had so many chances to do things differently, and I still managed to fuck them all up. “Maybe things would have been different.”
“I think about that a lot,” she sighs, leaning into me. “Or maybe they would have ended up exactly the same. I could have stayed, waited until you were ready.”
