“Those men in there know things about my father that nobody does. Details my brothers don’t know. When you find out the truth, you’ll walk away when you can’t stomach looking at me. And I guarantee you?—“
His voice is raw, drenched in pain as he continues.
“You won’t look at me the same.”
The sound of his tears guts me. It kills me, but the only thing I can do is reassure him with my words.
“I love you, Carter. Nothing could ever change that.”
He finally turns to me with wet cheeks. I’m desperate to hold him but of course, can’t. It’s the elephant in the room that never goes away.
“Even when you find out I lied to you?”
I shrug my shoulders as if it doesn’t matter, even though I know it might depending on what he is referring to.
“What did you lie about?”
Carter drops his gaze to the ground, staring in one spot, appearing lost and broken.
“I said there was nothing sexual. I lied to you. He fucked me so many times my asshole had to be sewn back together.”
My heart shatters as I process his words. He was a fucking baby. What I went through isn’t better because I was older but—he was a fucking baby.
He falls to his knees as sobs wrack his body, and I drop to mine too. For him, this is the hardest truth he has ever told. Holding onto this secret has damaged him unbelievably. Keeping it in turns you into more of a victim. It’s like a ticking time bomb in your chest—waiting to explode and destroy you and everyone in your path.
“Carter, touch me. Hold me. Take what I know you need from me.”
I place my hands behind my back as he wraps his arms around me and let him hold me while he cries.
“You were a little boy. It wasn’t your choice, and it’s not your fault.”
We sit for a long time while Carter holds onto me as if he’s terrified to let go and if he does—he might drown.
“You were a little boy. It wasn’t your choice, and it’s not your fault.” I say again because I think he needs to hear it on repeat.
“Sometimes I know that, and sometimes I don’t.” He says with a sniffle. And those are words I understand so well.
“You never told anyone? Why?”
He shakes his head no but then says, “Our mom knew because of the surgery. I never told Knox and Kill because of the shame. I was afraid they wouldn’t see me as a man. I’m not sure I can explain it, but the thought of them finding out became my biggest fear until I met you.”
I tilt my head back and stare at him, and he immediately spots the question in my eyes.
“My biggest fear became losing you, and I thought if you found out, it would change things. The thought alone was more than I could handle, so I lied to you.”
I’d be a complete hypocrite after what I’ve told him about my life to ridicule him over this. And I would never.
“I wouldn’t want you to judge me for what happened to me, and I’m not judging you. You were a child. Wasn’t it you who told me a child cannot consent? That goes for you too. I do wish he were still alive so I could kill him.”
His lips curve up into a smile as he chuckles softly.
“My beautiful, unhinged goddess.”
He presses his hands to my face and kisses my forehead, then each of my cheeks.
“Thank you.”
I hold my hand, palm up still, offering it to Carter and waiting for him to choose. His eyes travel from my hand to my face and back to my hand, nervously.
