I stare at the flowers beside the headstone and shake my head.
“I don’t blame you for feeling the way you did when he was taken, Mama, but you had two other children. Knox and I were traumatized too. I was five years old when he came back.Five.A five-year-old should not have that kind of responsibility. I was so little and had the weight of the entire family on my shoulders. Why did nobody see I was hurting too?”
I sigh audibly and kiss my fingers and press them to the stone.
“I love you, Mama. And I forgive you. I know you were doing the best you could.”
Rising to my feet, I go back to the house.
Our silent house.
CHAPTER FOUR
KILLIAN
Thirty-seven unanswered texts to Knox have told me forgiveness is not within reach. I’m not even sure it’s possible, but I won’t give up. Not knowing is killing me and maybe that’s the point.
Is Carter alive?
Is Heather alive?
I have no fucking idea about either of them. It’s no surprise my brothers are pissed at me. I’m so goddamn angry with myself too, but I’m still having trouble believing Knox won’t tell me about Carter's condition. I’m not asking for much. I just want to know if my brother is alive. I take a gulp of my whiskey and set the glass back on the coffee table, pick up my phone, and try again for the thirty-eighth time.
Me:I get that you’re pissed. I don’t blame you, but I’m losing my mind. Please tell me if Carter is okay.
Three dots appear and disappear repeatedly before a message comes through.
Knox:No, dick. He is not okay.
My chest tightens reading that one word and reminding me of her.
Heather. My beautiful, Killer.
Except she’s not mine and never was. And now, if she’s alive, she still won’t be mine. If Knox can’t forgive me, she never will.
Heather was right.
I am a dick.
How do you even ask for forgiveness when the things you’ve done are unforgivable? I didn’t see it then, but I do now.
She was never the enemy, but our salvation.
The light in the dark.
The glue that could hold us together.
Except I ruined everything. I didn’t just push her away.
I took her from all of us.
Unfuckingforgiveable.
I was so hell-bent on protecting Carter from her hurting him that I didn’t see that she was helping him in a way no one else could.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I had to lose everything to see clearly.
In the destruction I created, I now know.
