Bittersweet nostalgia was an aching pang across my chest. “Me too.”
“I never thought life would turn out this way, Taran.” I heard the regret in his voice. “I wanted forever with you.”
Agitation tingled in my nerve endings. Why did this still hurt so much? It seemed impossible that it could still hurt this much.“Before … before you start, I want to make it clear that I know it was my fault we broke up in the first place.”
“We were both to blame for that, Taran. I should have told you how insecure I was feeling. Instead, it came out as belligerence that pushed you away.”
“No, Quinn … I … I was the one pushing you away. I think part of me never got over losing Dad, and I started to realize that you were someone I could lose and it scared me, so I pushed you away. Illogical and irrational, but looking back, I think that’s what happened.”
“Even if that’s true, I should have fought harder. I let my inability to talk about my fucking feelings ruin everything between us.” He stepped toward me, his expression almost pleading. “I was so convinced of what I had to do that it didn’t even occur to me that it wasn’t the getting Kiera pregnant part that hurt you most—it was my decision to marry her. I somehow thought you must know how much my dad taking off really affected me and that you’d understand that part.”
I shook my head in confusion. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“I never spoke about him, did I?” He crossed his arms over his chest defensively, mirroring my body language. “Other than that day here on the beach when we were kids, I never mentioned him again until Kiera fell pregnant. So, what you didn’t know, Taran, was that the anger inside me at his leaving never went away. Watching my mum struggle to make ends meet because he’d left us … those feelings, those experiences made me who I am. If it hadn’t been for the community here, we would never have survived. That’s how little we had.”
“I … I didn’t know that.”
Quinn shrugged. “We were proud. We didn’t talk about it. But before Mum met Greg, neighbors, including your mum, would bring us food packages, drop off clothes for school, andsometimes even make sure our electricity stayed on. All because Dad left us in the shit.”
How had I not known that?
“That experience left such a mark that it blinkered me. Gave me tunnel vision. Because as soon as Kiera told me she was pregnant, I believed to my core that I would be just as bad as my father if I didn’t try to make it work with her for the sake of our child. I couldn’t see past it, Taran. I let that fear of failing like he failed me become bigger than everything.” His blue eyes turned glassy with emotion. “Even bigger than you and me.” Quinn let out a raspy exhale. “And I will regret it until the day I die.”
My tears spilled free and I swiped at them frantically, wiping them from my cheeks and chin. Looking at him only made the pain worse, so I turned to stare out at the sea and the curving coastline.
“It took time, but I began to realize I’d made a terrible mistake for all our sakes. That I didn’t have to marry Kiera to be a good father. But by then, it was too late.”
Silence fell between us and I could feel him studying my profile as I tried to gather my emotions.
“Taran … don’t you think it still hurts us both for a reason?”
Anger flashed through me as I whipped my head back toward him. “Of course. Why do you think I resent you so much?”
He gritted his teeth. “Do you … can you not at least try to understand where my head was at? We were both so young. We were just kids. Our frontal lobes weren’t fully developed yet. Big mistakes were made, but we’ve both grown up since then.”
Rationally, I knew he was right. Wewerejust kids back then. “I do understand that. I also understand fear and how terrible it can be and how it can change the course of our lives. But what I don’t understand is why Kiera?” I glared at him with every ounce of betrayal I felt. “You promised me for years that I hadnothing to worry about with Kiera and her crush on you … and you fucked her the first chance you got.”
Ire flared in his eyes. “You know it wasn’t like that.”
“Why her, then?” My voice rose over the breeze that grew stronger by the minute.
Quinn stepped closer, our faces inches apart now. “I told you the truth back then. I cannot remember a thing from that night. I’d lost the love of my fucking life, Taran, because I’d convinced myself that you didn’t love me anymore, that I couldn’t be what you needed anymore. I just wanted the pain to stop.” He gripped me by the biceps, ducking his head to mine so I had no choice but to be locked in his anguished gaze. “I was in so much pain after losing you that I just wanted a blackout, so I drank and drank. Kiera … when we decided to divorce, she told me that she got as blackout drunk as I had that night to gather some Dutch courage to approach me. It happened without either of our consent because we were too shit-faced to know what we were doing. And that’s fucking tragic, Taran.” He gave me a wee shake. “Except for Heather as a consequence, the whole thing is fucking tragic for us all.”
His words were starting to penetrate, but my emotional dragon, the beast that guarded the gates to the shattered pieces of my heart, just couldn’t let it go. “You must have found her attractive, though. You were married to her for years and had another baby with her.”
Quinn appeared exasperated. “I’m human and, aye, Kiera is bonny, so I won’t lie and tell you she’s not attractive. I found her attractive. But I wasn’t passionate about her. I wasn’t in love with her. I tried for Heather’s sake. When we had Heather, we did share a bond over how much we loved this tiny wee person who had come abruptly into our lives. But as the months passed, that momentary bond dissipated. Reality set in. I resented Kiera for not being you, and I tried every day not to because it wasso fucking unfair to her. It was my idea to have Angus because I wanted to recreate that momentary bond we’d had, hoping it would fix things. It didn’t work. It just made it worse. Kiera had had enough of trying. I wouldn’t let her in, and as the years passed, missing you got worse, not better. Knowing what I could have had. Angry at myself for thinking marriage was the only way to be a good dad. Kiera and I never really had an honest conversation about it, but she tried. And she got tired of trying. She met Gary before we divorced. She didn’t physically cheat, but she discovered what love should be like and she took her chance, and I’m happy for her.”
I gently extricated myself from Quinn’s grip and took a few steps away, breathing in deep breaths as I tried to calm my racing heart. “If she hadn’t left you, you would still be with her now.”
“That isn’t true. It was over for me and her before it even began.” His voice was hoarse. “As soon as you walked back onto this island, you were all I could think about. My side of the story is that I’ve never stopped loving you. Telling you that I was marrying Kiera because she was pregnant was the worst day of my life. And it kills me that you don’t believe I loved you as much as you loved me.”
The dragon roared in my head. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I think you do,” Quinn whispered gruffly, stepping up behind me. “I used to wake up every morning and wish that I was waking up to you. I’d see someone who looked like you in town and my heart would stop. They’d turn and it wasn’t you, and I’d be in a black mood for the rest of the month. Not day, not week, but month. Sometimes plural.”
His words terrified me because they were words I’d longed to hear. Now that I had them, I wanted to run from them. “Youmust have been with women since Kiera. Why not give one of them a chance?”
“Because … fuck, Taran, are you not hearing me? They’re not you. I want what I only feel with you. I’ve felt at home with you since we were kids. Like I was put on this earth to be your home and you are mine. A safe space. True friendship. And passion unlike anything I’ve ever known because … every time you smile at me, I feel it in my goddamn dick.”
