He closed his eyes, and the tears fell in heaps. “Rafael, you know I want that so much, but it won’t work if you don’t want it. You can’t do it for me. It has to be for yourself.”
“It is,” I replied. “It’s for me. And for us. Because I love you and don’t want to live without you, I love you more than anything in the world, Cody. It’s just—”
“What?” he asked.
I wanted to curl up into a little ball and hide forever. It was all so raw. So vulnerable. “I just get so scared, and I need help sometimes.”
Cody rushed to my side, peppering my face with kisses. “So, let me help you. Please!”
“You shouldn’t. You had to do too much. Between your dad and mom, you don’t need my shit.”
“Iwantyour shit. Iloveyour shit because it’s part of you. I’m not perfect. I have my bullshit that I need to deal with, but we can help each other if we’re honest. I’ll do anything, but you have to meet me halfway. You have to want to get better. I’ll be there every single step of the way if you do.”
I was a mess. You couldn’t even say I was crying anymore. I was full-on blubbering. “I will. I will, Cody. I love you so much.”
Cody wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “I love you, too. So, so, much, Rafael.”
Cody
I left Rafael’s room to let Hank and Jill know that they could go back in, but I also had instructions.
“Can one of you go home and throw away all the booze in the house before Rafael returns?” I whispered. Why was I whispering? Not sure. It felt weird doing this behind Rafael’s back, but I knew we needed to do everything possible to help him.
They looked at me wide-eyed. “Did he say he wants to quit?” Hank asked.
I nodded. “He wants to go to AA and see a therapist. It would be really good of us not to drink around him.”
That was basically my request that Hank not drink around Rafael, because Mom and I never touched the stuff.
Hank nodded. “I think that’s an excellent idea. I’d like to see him again, and then I’ll go home and clean everything out.”
“I’ll help,” Mom added. “I take it you’re probably staying here tonight?”
Oh, there was no way in hell I was sleeping without my man. I’d sleep here tonight and every night after they deemed it necessary for his recovery.
“Yup,” I replied.
Mom nodded and looked at Hank. “Let’s check on Rafael, then go home and get to work.”
Chapter 43
Rafael
The gymnasium smelled of rubber, laced with the scent of sweaty kids. The overhead lighting was dimmed, save for the few directly over the group of eight seated in a circle.
This was my third meeting, and I had yet to speak. I just didn’t have it in me, but listening to the other stories made me realize how fortunate I was to have experienced this at such a young age.
People spoke about the pain of living without alcohol. The constant struggle to resist latching onto the bottle seemed exhausting. That wasn’t the case with me. My body hadn’t grown so accustomed to the presence of alcohol that it yearned for it constantly. I used it as an awful crutch. I was so grateful that I didn’t wake up every day missing the burn of a first sip. Had I continued using it like I did, that would have been me.
The stories of rock bottom were just unbelievable. People lost their jobs and everything they owned, winding up homeless and living on the streets. Their families turned them away because they knew any help would just go towards the habit.
My heart broke for these people.
One story in particular really struck me. His name was Phil, and he spoke about growing up gay in a conservative area. When he started partying in high school, he went from being the quiet “fag” everyone picked on to a full-blown party animal. He said it felt like a huge step up on the social ladder.
I think he said it as a joke, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how fucked up that was. Destroying oneself was considered preferable to living one’s truth. It got me thinking about Cody and me—how we were still hiding from everyone. Maybe it was time for us to start letting some of our close friends in on the relationship.
“Rafael, would you like to speak tonight?”
