Everyone stood in silence. I had no idea what to say. Sorry? I doubted that would cut it.
“How are you feeling?” Hank asked.
I didn’t have any sort of shitty retort. I’d just put all three of them through hell; they didn’t need my trademark snark on top of it. “Okay. A little groggy and nauseous.”
More silence. Cody stood there, his eyes scanning the equipment hooked to my body. I could see the overwhelming gravitas in his face. It was all too much for him.Iwas too much for him.
“You scared us,” Jill added, breaking the silence.
I bet.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Rafael, why? Why did you drink so much?” Hank asked.
In hindsight, the reason was pretty fucking lame. I was suspended for three games, and I decided to respond by almost killing myself with alcohol.Jesus, I’m so selfish.
“I have no excuse. Coach told me I was suspended for three games, but that’s still no excuse. I-I’m so sorry.”
My eyes trailed from Hank to Cody, and the look on his face sent chills down the back of my neck. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, or despondent, or what. His stare was like a physical force pushing against me.
“Can I talk to Rafael alone for a minute, please?” Cody asked.
Fuck. Here it comes.
Hank and Jill nodded and turned to leave. “We’ll be outside. Please let us know when you’re finished,” Hank said as he closed the door behind him.
Cody stood at the foot of my bed, completely silent. I wanted him to say it. The anticipation was killing me. My breath was shaky, and my gut hurt even more. I knew what was coming, and I fucking deserved it, but the pain of waiting was so intense.
My breathing accelerated, and I finally gasped out, “Say it. Please, I can’t do it anymore. I know you wanna leave me. Just say it because I can’t—”
Tears stopped me mid-sentence. They came fast and strong, and my sobs filled the room. My angel was going to leave me because I pushed him away.
“I don’t want to leave you,” Cody said. “But it feels like you want me to.”
My breath hitched. “Never. I’d never want that.”
“Then why are you hurting yourself? Why are you making me watch you hurt yourself?”
The question confounded me, and I’d never thought about it that way before. I wasn’t just hurting myself. I was making him bear witness to it, which was cruel.
“I don’t know, Cody. I don’t want to. Not really. It’s just…”
My voice trailed off. I didn’t have any answers. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
“Rafael, I’ve asked you to get help. I’ve begged you to see someone, and you brush it off.” He tried to catch his breath as his tears stained his cheeks. “This isn’t fair. I can’t watch this. Rafael, I love you so much. I willalwayslove you, but this isn’t fair to me.” He was sobbing by that point. His hands were shaking as he clenched them to his sides. “I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t be with someone who can’t love themselves as much as I love them, because it hurts. It hurts too much. Because I would do anything for you except continue to watch you destroy yourself.”
We stood at an impasse, weeping for the relationship that meant everything to us, yet we couldn’t continue—not like it had been.
And it was up to me to change it. I could either continue on with my self-imposed descent into drunken sadness or acknowledge that a light had come into my life that needed to be cherished.
“I’ll stop,” I said.
His eyes widened. “Stop…”
“The drinking. I’ll go to AA. I’ll…I’ll talk to someone too.”
It would be hard, but I needed to do it. It was time for me to take ownership of my life. I was a victim only in so much as I let myself be a victim. My life was my responsibility, and I needed to fix it.
