It was almost midnight, and Quentin knew that he should be asleep, but he couldn’t sleep. He sat awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts wouldn’t turn off. He hadn’t heard from Joel since the game, and his thoughts threatened to spiral anxiously. He’d texted Joel a picture from Henri and Cort’s engagement, and heard nothing. He hoped that Joel was okay, or that Joel wasn’t mad at him. When Quentin was anxious, he tended to slip into patterns of self-blame. He knew they weren’t healthy patterns, and he knew that he should use his mental tools to interrupt those patterns, but when he was alone and in the dark and feeling lonely, it was hard not to listen to his anxiety.
He sat bolt upright in bed when he heard the electronic lock on his hotel room door click. The door swung open.
“Hello?” Quentin snapped.
“Oh! You’re awake.”
Quentin’s pulse immediately slowed, and he held a hand to his chest. “JesusChrist, Joel, you almost gave me a heart attack.”
Joel stepped into the hotel room and shut the door behind him. He wore comfortable clothes for an airplane, and carried a small traveling bag. He was smiling broadly.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. “I was supposed to get here earlier, but I was delayed in Utah. Tour stuff. I know you’re leaving in the morning, but I missed you.”
Quentin climbed out of bed and crossed the room hurriedly to Joel. He kissed Joel, and Joel wrapped his arms around Quentin.
“I missed you, too,” Quentin whispered, holding Joel tightly.
Joel pulled away slightly and looked carefully at him. “Are you okay? Are you crying?”
Quentin wiped his face. “It’s been a long couple of days,” he admitted. He kissed Joel again. “Henri and Cort got engaged tonight.”
“Holy shit! Congratulations to them.”
“And I talked to Drew yesterday.” He’d told Joel the whole story about Drew, and Joel clearly recognized the name.
“How was that? What encouraged you to talk to him?”
Quentin led Joel to the bed. His body tingled with nerves, but he knew he needed to have this conversation now, while his exhaustion made him brave—or reckless.
“I wanted his advice,” he said quietly. “About coming out.”
Joel nodded carefully. “Okay. Is that something you want to do?”
Quentin bit his lip. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “I think it is. No, I know it is. I’m tired of hiding, and I want to be honest about myself.”
Joel squeezed his hand. “I admire that. I really do.” He hesitated. “What does this mean for us?”
Quentin shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t have a timeline ofwhenI want to come out, but I want it to be soon. Like I said, I’m tired of hiding the truth. And the world of hockey is changing. I feel safer coming out now than I did even two years ago. I’ve figured out a lot of my own identity, and I’m ready to be honest about it with the world.”
He knew the risk he was taking by putting this out there to Joel. He recognized the similarities and the parallels between now and the situation he and Drew had been in two years ago. Drew had wanted to come out and be honest, and it had scared Quentin away. He could only hope that it wouldn’t do the same thing to Joel.
“That’s a big decision,” Joel said. “And I’m proud of you for being ready to make it.”
Quentin’s stomach twisted. “I’m sensing there’s more.”
“There might be,” Joel said. He didn’t look at Quentin. “Our situations aren’t exactly the same.”
“I know,” Quentin whispered. He was beginning to feel sick with nerves.
“The music industry…my brand…they’re very specific,” Joel said quietly. “I can’t just ‘come out’ if I feel like it, because my entire career has been built on a specific image, with a specific audience and fanbase. I can make decisions about my private life, but I can’t always make decisions about mypubliclife on my own. I don’t agree with that, but it’s the fact of my life. I don’t always have the autonomy I want to have, and that makes things difficult. Like coming out.”
Quentin nodded. He was doing his best to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. “What does that mean for us?” he asked, parroting Joel’s earlier question.
Joel took a deep breath. “Ialsodon’t know.” He looked up, meeting Quentin’s gaze. “It’s a lot to think about.”
Quentin gently stroked his thumb over the back of Joel’s hand. “I want to be honest with you about something, Joel. I like you. I don’t just mean that I like having sex with you. I mean, I like that, of course. But I likeyou. I like spending time with you, and I like talking to you. I know we said that when we started this, there’d be no strings attached, and that we had no expectations of it becoming anything beyond sex, but I think it has, for me. I know that goes beyond what we agreed to, and I don’t expect you to feel the same, or to want the same thing.”
“Whatdoyou want?” Joel asked softly.
