“I hear you. I think…I think, right now, I need to be honest with Joel about what I want. I think it was fear keeping me from him, and maybe it was fear keeping him from me.”
“Are you no longer afraid?”
“No, I’m still afraid, but the fear matters less to me, now.”
Henri nodded approvingly. “Then, I think we need to make a plan for you to see him again, so that you can tell him how you feel.”
Chapter 14
Joel
Every year, two weeks before Christmas, the famous fashion magazineGardehosted its annual Empire Gala at the Empire State Museum of Modern Art. A group of celebrities always sponsored it. Tickets were $85,000, and they were only available to guests who’d been invited byGarde Magazine. Guests included celebrities of all types, fashion designers, and, more recently, social media influencers. Occasionally, athletes attended, though usually only if they were married to an actor or some other celebrity. The Empire Gala was always a major fashion event, with a famous red carpet. Designers put out their newest, best, and most eccentric designs for the Empire Gala. There was always a theme, and this year, the theme was “Myths and Legends.”
When Shivonne had told Joel in January of that year that he’d been invited to be on the sponsorship committee for the gala, thatGardehad specifically asked for him, he’d been hesitant to say yes. He had been in the late stages of album production and had been planning his tour. He ultimately had said yes, because he appreciated the charities that the Empire Gala supported, and he enjoyed fashion and art, and he was taking December off from the tour anyway, so he would be free.
There wasn’t much he had to do as a sponsor for the event, aside from speaking at a few press conferences beforehand and ensuring that he looked fantastic on the red carpet. Ariadne was his date for the event, and Mei, who styled Joel for his tours, would be styling both of them for the event. She had gone all out, crafting costumes that made Joel look like a Greek marble statue come to life, and Ariadne like a Celtic faerie. His outfit left his chest and arms bare, and he wore gold on his arms and in his hair. Photographers flocked to them on the red carpet, and Joel felt good having Ariadne on his arm. She was a good friend whom he trusted and who made him feel safe.
He had been anxious for several weeks, ever since fleeing from Tampa and from the kiss with Quentin. He couldn’t believe he had kissed the hockey player. It was a lapse in judgment. He had surrendered to his passion and his desires, and it had felt so good in the moment, but had left him terrified. He couldn’t let himself follow his feelings like that. It had been impulsive and stupid, and since then, he had ignored every one of Quentin’s texts, even though it made him feel like shit doing so. He had lost himself briefly in his feelings for Quentin, and he couldn’t risk doing it again.
“You seem distracted,” Ariadne said without moving her lips, while they posed for photos on the red carpet. Around them were other celebrities, all looking gorgeous and eccentric in their myth-inspired outfits.
“I’m sorry,” Joel said.
Ariadne squeezed his arm. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m just worried. Should I be worried?”
Joel felt bad hiding his truth from Ariadne. They were best friends, and they trusted each other with almost anything. The music business could be cutthroat and lonely, and he normally found comfort in having a good friend like Ariadne. He didn’t like withholding the truth from her. She had noticed that he hadn’t been himself for the last few weeks, and he knew that she cared about him and was worried, but he didn’t know how to tell her. If he could trust anyone, it would be her, but he had never told her, or anyone, the truth about his sexuality, except for hints he had made to some very discreet lawyers he paid exorbitant fees to, who helped him craft NDAs for the rare men he hooked up with.
“You don’t have to be worried,” he whispered.
“Is it about your tour?”
“No.”
“But, there is something on your mind?”
“I suppose there is.”
“Do you want to talk about it later?”
“Definitely not at the gala.”
She smiled at him, encouraging. “Of course. Definitely not.”
They had a good time that night at the gala. Joel tried to focus on the other guests and on the staff fromGardeMagazine who worked so hard to make it happen.Gardehad recently hired a new Editor-in-Chief, named Crispin McCloud. He was the first male Editor in Chief of the magazine and had worked hard to transform the magazine into something even more important and politically conscious. Joel admired Crispin McCloud’s work. McCloud was still young and had important and thoughtful ideas about how fashion and the arts could shape and improve culture. Joel and Ariadne introduced themselves to McCloud and his husband, a famous photographer and gallery owner named Willem Abajian. McCloud complimented Joel’s outfit, and Willem spoke to Ariadne at length about her last two albums, which had been more experimental than her previous pop music.
The entire time, Joel’s mind threatened to wander, as it had for the last three weeks. All he could think about was the handsome hockey player who had captured his attention and wouldn’t let it go. He was beginning to understand what “heartsick” meant, and he didn’t enjoy it.
“You did a great job,” Ariadne said when they were in a private car after the event, headed back to his apartment in the Upper East Side. “You almost looked like you weren’t distracted.”
“Fuck, you could tell?”
“Only because I know you so well. Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
The traffic in Manhattan moved slowly, and they were facing each other in the back of the car. Ariadne smiled gently at him. She was like a sister to him. There was nothing romantic about their friendship, despite what the tabloids liked to say. Joel could already picture the news articles and posts that would come out in the wake of the Empire Gala, saying that they had launched their relationship by appearing on the red carpet together. He didn’t mind the rumors because they were never harmful or mean-spirited. He usually found them funny, and so did Ariadne.
“It’s not something I’m used to talking about,” Joel admitted. Ariadne nodded silently, giving him time to think through his thoughts before sharing them.
They were near his apartment building when he sighed and said, “I think I’m interested in someone. Romantically, that is. But it’s a difficult situation, and I think it would be hard to be together. I…made a move indicating my interest recently, and it was reciprocated, but I panicked and ran away. We haven’t seen each other since then, and, well, I don’t know what to do.”
