The searing current of panic that poisons my bloodstream the moment her taillights vanish off the cliffside, leaving an endless abyss of darkness that swallows everything in its wake.
FORTY-THREE | TARYN
Inever understood what people meant when they said something played behind their eyes in slow motion. I tried to envision it sometimes. The ability to have that power seemed intriguing.
No matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t something I could comprehend.
But now? I feel it.
I see it in how my headlights reflect off the murky waves of the Columbia River while the lingering glint of Colten’s lights dances in my vision.
The understanding hits me as hard as the impact of my truck smashing through the water’s surface.
There’s so much adrenaline and horror coursing through my body that I don’t feel anything when my forehead smashes into the steering wheel. I also don’t feel the pain when my chest hits the front with such force that I wonder if my ribs might shatter and puncture my heart.
Also, the out-of-body experience.
Yeah. I comprehend that now, too.
Nevertheless, this is my fault.
“You’ll have to accept the parts I allow you to have.”
Colten said that to me weeks ago, and I accepted it. Accepted him. That’s what you do when you care for someone so profoundly because you fell for all the good parts somewhere along the way.
The bad parts of Colten, though? They’ve morphed into something I respect. He is overly protective of his family, which is why he has layers upon layers of barriers encasing his heart.Theycome first, and they will always come first.
Loving me means allowing himself the opportunity to be hurt. And when Colten is broken, he thinks his vulnerability not only infects him but weakens his family.
His rejection stings.
So badly. But I understand why he did it and it would be easier if I didn’t. Easier if I could hate us for dragging each other along when we knew breaking each other was inevitable.
I was feeling trapped when he didn’t say the words back. Observed as the imaginary walls closed with each moment of silence when he didn’t utter a word. The walls squeezed me tighter than any place I had been before.
But the reality is, despite Colten not saying he loved me, I hope a part of me healed him, even if it was the slightest bit. I know he feels something for me, even if he isn’t sure what it is. He feels everything.
I saw what he is like when he lets go. The tension that tugs at his jawline when he’s trying so hard not to give in, but he would take one look at me and let his walls collapse for a little while.
He collapsed some of mine. The parts of me that told myself I would never find a place I wanted to settle.
With him, I would have.
The timer slowlyticks, ticks, ticksaway the deeper my truck sinks, and the regret I didn’t sense before fills my veins as water floods the floor of my truck.
I shouldn’t have run. People leaving is the one thing that kills him, and that’s precisely what I did. That was my last thought the moment his headlights appeared behind me. I knew the bend in the road was there, but I was going too fast. Distraction overcame me because the man who said he couldn’t give me everything realized he shouldn’t have let me go.
Now it’s too late.
My head pulses wildly, feeling like someone is taking a sledgehammer to my skull, repetitively beating down to haul me into an unconscious state. Everything in my vision is blurred, and my body is focusing heavily on the pain I can now feel everywhere and not only in my heart.
Lifting a hand to my face, I massage my fingers into my temple, releasing a groan.
Think, Taryn.
Get out.
Get out.
