‘So, that’s your regret? Isolating yourself and leaving your brother to what, manage his mental health alone?’
He exhales harshly and grimaces at my words.
‘I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand this from your perspective. Have you tried…’ I gulp. ‘I don’t know, just talking to him about all of this? Being honest about why you were distant?’
‘I’m not – I know how it sounds, but I’m not… great at that.’
I arch a brow, shoot him an appraising look. ‘What, talking? You’ve been doing swimmingly the last five minutes.’
He just sighs through his nose.
I sit up to turn the lamp back on because I can’t stand to have this conversation in the dark, and wince as the hideous brightness stings my eyes.
‘Dah!’ Elliot cries. ‘Oh my God, Nora–’
‘Sorry, I just can’t bear how much you’re punishing yourself. If I have to look into your eyes and tell you that you’re not a selfish person, I’ll do it.’
This seems to fall on deaf ears as I look down at him. He’s still lying facing upward with his fingers interlinked over his face, protecting his eyes from the light.
‘So… you isolated yourself to deal with things on your own?’ I prompt.
‘Yeah, I guess. The timing was perfect to just kind of… retreat. I’d just moved to London, could bury myself in work because I’d just started. The hours were crazy so it was easy. And honestly, I just couldn’t bear the truth then. That someone could really do that, you know? Just walk out and not look back. She was just… gone. It was so surreal.’
I soak in his words. Despite Elliot’s own apparent self-hatred, I don’t judge him for isolating himself. I can’t even imagine my own reaction if that had happened to me.
‘It doesn’t excuse anything though.’ He pushes his hands back into his hair and leaves them there. ‘You can’t just run away from everybody and pretend they don’t need you.’
I try to keep my voice even. ‘Sounds like a pretty human reaction to me.’
He peers up at me, his expression careful. ‘It doesn’t exactly make me a good person. Rach abandoned me and then I abandoned my brother. I’m almost as bad as she is. I just… became a shadow of my former self.’
Something about the intimacy of the nicknameRachmakes me wince.
‘Occasionally, life just deals you a hand that feels like too much to bear. It’s not your fault you can’t carry it all. You can’t be the perfect brother all the time.’ I keep my voice light, but firm enough for him to hopefully hear me.
‘That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve hurt him,’ he murmurs.
‘You’re also not the first person to hurt someone unintentionally. And the fact you canacknowledge that now and look it in the eye and want to change it is far more meaningful.That’swho you are. You’re not running anymore, you can see that, right?’
He doesn’t say anything, just studies me silently.
‘All you can do is meet Max where he is right now, from where you are. He might be a little hurt, but I’d also bet he can probably understand why you behaved that way. If you’re honest and explain everything to him. He’ll be happy to have you back.’
‘I don’t know,’ he replies, his voice quiet. ‘I’ve been pretty shitty. Like I said, he doesn’t really want to talk now. It wouldn’t surprise me if I took it too far. Ignored this for too long.’
I bend my head lower to try and let him see my smile.
‘You’ve got time to make up for it. There’s always time.’
A horrible pang hits me squarely in my chest, and I swear I feel the blood drain from my cheeks.
‘This is why you want to give him the drumstick,’ I realise, my voice tight. ‘To… make amends?’
He shrugs. ‘Well, I mean – I don’t know if a drumstick would do that, but it would be a nice gesture. I thought it could be a good place to start.’
Oh, fuck.
His hand suddenly rests on top of mine. I feel a light, brisk squeeze before it vanishes again.
