‘You know my ex I mentioned?’
My heart sinks. ‘Yeah?’
‘We were together until last summer. She, well…’ He hesitates, his voice catching. ‘It sounds crazy to even say it out loud, but she… sort of ghosted me completely. One evening she left my flat like normal and then I just – I never heard from her. I completely went out of my mind at first because I was so fucking worried that something terrible had happened to her until I eventually reached one of her friends, who said that she’d gone to France. To… think.’
Then I do sit up straight. ‘She went toFrance? Tothink?’ I hiss.
He snorts. ‘Yeah. She’d mentioned here and there that she wanted to travel and live abroad in all these different places but never in a serious way. She never said she wanted to make a plan – so I was just content living here and saving to maybe buy a fucking house at some point. I was an idiot and ignored all the signs, I had no idea that she just… I don’t know. Wasn’t satisfied with that kind of life. She didn’t have the guts to talk about it. Or even break up with me.’
For a moment, I stare at him open-mouthed.
‘You haven’t heard from her at all? Still?’
He sighs. ‘She actually did try a few times to get in touch to apologise but I didn’t want to hear it. As soon as I learned that she was okay and just didn’t want to deal with the inconvenience of breaking up with me, I was fucking done. Everything that we had built meant nothing anymore.’
‘How could she do that?’ My voice almost cracks. It feels like my stomach is being hollowed out. ‘How could someone do that to you?’
‘Looking back now, it was just classic Rachel. She never wanted to talk about our issues orobviousincompatibilities, she just wanted to pretend everything was okay and that we were happy. And once you set up a precedent of poor communication it’s weirdly hard to come back from it. I tried sometimes, but it’s on me as well. I should have tried harder and listened to my gut that something with us just wasn’t… right.’
‘This is notyour fault.’ I take a deep breath through my nose, trying to quell the anger rising inside me. My mind conjures the image of Elliot’s easy smile replaced with stress and horror as he checks his phone again for a sign of the girl he loves. His composure unravelling as the days drift by.
The fact he had been so thoroughly abandoned by his own partner and experienced such a distinct type of rejection makes me feel sick.
Something in my mind clicks and I recall his words from this morning when I left him:
I’m just trusting you to come back.
My mouth feels dry when I speak. ‘How long were you together?’
‘Two years.’
I take a shaky breath. ‘I’m so sorry, Elliot.’
‘I’m fine now, there’s no need to worry about me. It’s Max I’m more worried about now.’
‘Are you sure you’re fine, though? Elliot, that’s a really big deal. It’s not something youhaveto feel okay about,’ I insist.
‘I know. I do feel alright, though. I’ve tried to deal with it, even though it took a while. I’ve seen a therapist and everything. If anything, I’ve just been selfish about it. Like, dealing with it all on my own.’
‘What do you mean? Taking time to deal with something like that isn’t selfish at all,’ I tell him. ‘That’s a very specific kind of loss.’
‘Yeah,’ he says, his voice brusque. ‘But in the process I completely neglected the fact that I have a brother who isn’t well. And needed me. I stopped supporting him in the way he needed, I created distance that I didn’t evenwantbecause my head was just such a fucking mess and didn’t know how to deal with anything. Or anyone.’
‘Of course you couldn’t. How is anybody supposed to adjust to something so extreme? That’s what nightmares are made of – a partner quite literally vanishing from your life. It’s horrific.’
I’m actually so worked up I can feel heat making its way up my cheeks.
‘Did you talk to your family about it? And your brother?’ I ask carefully.
‘I mean, of course they knew. I just didn’t want to talk about what happened. At all. It’s different with a therapist, but with anyone else it’s just…’ His voice changes, turns emotionless. ‘So fucking humiliating.’
Every muscle in my body wants to move to hold him or touch him. Comfort him in some way so I might take on some of the pain.
‘So you can take it upon yourself to help Max as much as you possibly can, but he can’t help you? Support you?’ I ask gently.
It all makes so much sense. This was the guy who immediately stepped in to protect me from crowds, guided me through endless swarms of people, spoke up for me so I didn’t have to face triggers. He’s been built to help and protect; which means not speaking up for himself or his own needs.
‘It’s not like that… Max tried to help me. But I knew he had so much going on in his own life and that he was struggling, I didn’t want to burden him with my own stuff.’
