‘Nora?’ I hear Elliot’s voice ask faintly. ‘Nora, are you alright?’
I let out a slow breath and prepare myself to open my eyes and see the cold, blank expression on Elliot’s face.
But when I do, that’s not what I see. His frame is close to mine, protecting me from Josh’s view and most of the passing crowd. To my surprise, his expression is tender and unmistakably concerned with a flicker of confusion. Fixed entirely on me. Not knowing why, I feel the pressure in my chest loosen very slightly.
‘Out of the way, nerd,’ a familiar voice snaps. I feel a bottle of water being pressed into my hand and Hennie’s hand on the back of my neck, steadying me. I focus on my breath, and pop the cap of the bottle open to take a delicate sip.
‘Is she okay?’ Elliot asks quietly.
‘She’ll be fine,’ Hennie huffs. ‘She’s a toughie, aren’t you Hartley?’
‘Yeah,’ I say miserably. I regret it immediately, as the action somehow sends me into another dizzy spell. I release another slow, steady breath.
Ignoring Elliot’s proximity, I follow my regular steps to cool my nervous system with Hennie’s help. She ties my hair back with a scrunchie and occupies my free hand with her tight grip, occasionally instructing me to breathe out for longer – she can tell when my breathing is too shallow. She has done this countless times, and it’s in moments like this I think she knows my own body better than I do.
My chest continues to expand slowly and I feel more air gently filter in, as the heat on the back of my neck starts to cool. I squeeze my fists together, concentrating on the sensation.
After not too long, I feel my body come back to life. It’s not really an attack – more of a premonition. A warning. Feeling the boys’ eyes on me, I shrink back with embarrassment before I notice Owen pulling Josh into conversation to give me a semblance of privacy.
‘I’m sorry about this,’ I say, taking another greedy sip of water.
‘Nothing to apologise for,’ Elliot says firmly. ‘Do you have a hard time with crowds?’
I stare at him, startled by the direct question. I don’t normally make a habit of letting acquaintances know about my phobia. Sharing this with people who I’ve just met is deeply uncomfortable for me. But necessary – it’s clear now that he needs to know if we’re going to co-exist in this environment. It would be unfair not to. And it seems like he won’t be a complete dick about it, at least.
I nod. ‘I do. Sometimes… it’s just, I find them overwhelming. I’m prone to panic attacks, especially in busy places.’
His eyes roam my face, as if he’s looking for something. ‘I’m glad you told me. If there’s anything I can do to help, tell me what you need, okay?’ His voice is quiet, but the gravelly tones of it are still present. I nod with a light smile and congratulate myself for staying on my feet.
He looks at me again, with more hesitation this time.
‘Thanks for telling me.’ There’s a softness in his voice that makes my breath catch in my throat.
‘Thank you,’ I echo carefully.
Hennie pulls her scrunchie out of my hair and fluffs up my curls with a smile.
‘All okay?’
‘Yeah,’ I say with a nod. ‘Thanks, Hen.’
‘Anytime.’
‘We’re well.’
‘We’re well,’ she repeats.
I beam at our saying – it’s our way of letting each other know if we’re really okay, and has been for most of our friendship. There’s something about the beautiful simplicity of the phrase that makes it easy to say ‘not well’ or ‘mostly well’. She would find me before lunchtime at school with that warm glint in her eye, nudge me and whisper in her sweet voice, ‘We’re well?’
Josh steps forward without apparently the faintest idea what is happening. He looks almost panicked, like he might be responsible for all this.
‘Do you need something, Nora? I can buy tacos? Do you needprotein?’
‘I’m okay. Thank you though, Josh.’ I clear my throat. ‘You should both probably know, actually. I have enochlophobia. So stuff like this might happen… occasionally.’
Owen’s concerned, ‘Are you okay?’ clashes with Josh’s frenzied, ‘Endlo-what?’
I nod gratefully at Owen and look to Josh. ‘Enochlophobia. Fear of crowds.’
