“I promise,” they said, even if they weren’t entirely sure that was true.
They alwayswantedmore, whether that be kisses, sex, love, or even just time with Noah. They would happily crawl into his pocket and spend every second of every day with him, but they didn’tneedthat. They loved the way their life was taking shape—a close friendship with Blair, an intimate trial relationship with Noah, and the fulfilling challenge of building out marketing for Charlie’s shelter. Part of them wished Noah had a little more clarity about what he wanted his life to look like, but they would never rush him to decide.
That was how September slowly bled into October, with November lurking just around the corner. Their sex life became a constant thrum, pulsing below the surface. Aspen began amassing a rather impressive collection of dildos and toys, and while they would have loved to top more often, they did get to try out their strapless strap on him once, and the harness two more times.
When they’d first started out, they’d agreed to be polyamorous, but between their hangouts, fucking, and work, Aspen had more than enough going on. The holidays were also approaching, and Aspen loved every single one of them, starting with Halloween and going all the way through Valentine’s Day. There were dozens of activities and couple-y dates they wanted to go on, ranging from pumpkin picking to Christmas caroling, and New Year's brunch to Valentine’s Day dinner. They could have selected a different person to go on each date with, but as the weeks passed, they found they didn’t want to do it with anyone but Noah.
Aspen’s little butterfly loved their trial relationship, and each day solidified more and more for them that they could come out of the trial dating Noah and be very happy. However, Aspen also recognized that Noah was giving all he could give between Aspen’s high sex drive, Charlie’s growing shelter needs, and his parents, who seemed to call and text a lot more than they used to. Each time they reached out, Noah would roll his eyes or huff, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. That was another reason Aspen didn’t push him on what he was looking for in life and in a relationship. It was clear Noah was trying to juggle a lot of balls, and Aspen wanted to juggle with him, not disrupt his flow.
Then one night, Aspen came over, and Noah answered the door with his phone tucked against his shoulder. “I have to go, Mom. Aspen is here and…no, I don’t think… no, they’re not…” Noah trailed off as he stepped aside for Aspen to come in.
“Because that’s not what I want right now,” Noah said firmly, gesturing for Aspen to take off their shoes and hang up their coat. Aspen tried to do so as quietly as possible as Noah scowled at the floor.
“What I want is to be spending time with them, and if they didn’t… Yes, Mom,theirpronouns are they/them and no…” Noah trailed off again as he walked over to his couch. He looked like he was going to take a seat, but then he grabbed the phone off his shoulder and pressed it roughly against his ear. “You’re not listening. I just said that I don’t… No, I think they would tell me… Because I know them, Mom!”
Noah glanced at Aspen and then quickly away. The only time Aspen had ever heard him raise his voice was when he was talking on the phone with his parents. From the warbling they could hear coming from the phone, it didn’t even seem like he was yelling, just trying to talk over his mom, who often talked over him.
“I’m sorry, please don’t…don’t cry, mom, I know how much you hate it when Braxton and dad yell. I’m sorry, this just isn’t a good time… Yes, of course I love you, and I don’t want you to be embarrassed at book club, I just… I have to go. I’ll talk to you later,” Noah said, his shoulders riding up near his ears.
He hung up, looking like he really missed the days when you could snap a phone closed to end a call.
Aspen was paused in the entrance to the living room, not really sure what they were supposed to do. Noah looked equally at a loss, staring down at his blank phone screen.
“Thank you for defending me and my pronouns,” they said, and Noah glanced up at them again, wariness etched into every line of his face.
“I don’t know if it will make much of a difference, but I’ll keep trying.”
Aspen walked farther into the room, approaching him the way they would approach a skittish client at the salon. Sometimes all someone needed was to know they had an ally in their corner, and Aspen would always be that for Noah.
“It still means a lot to me.”
Noah's shoulders slowly lowered, and he held out a hand to Aspen. It was a sweet gesture, something he did from time to time when inviting Aspen onto the couch or into his bed. Aspen accepted it immediately and then stepped forward into his arms. They had recently dyed their hair neon purple, this month’s favorite color. Noah buried his face in it, as he always did.
Aspen managed to hold their tongue for a full thirty seconds. “You don’t have to talk about it, but… I am sort of dying of curiosity. What would I tell you?”
Noah sighed and pulled them both down onto the couch. “You’d tell me if I’m taking up too much of your time, and you’d rather be out there ‘finding a nice young man to date’ like I should be ‘finding a nice young woman.’”’
Aspen snorted. “I’m assuming you haven’t told them about us? And please hear me when I say I am in no way advocating for that, I’m just asking.”
Noah’s fingers, which were still wrapped gently around Aspen’s hand, tensed as if he was trying not to clench his fist. “No. I don’t even know what I’d tell them. We’re in a trial relationship, which is like a real relationship but without the certainty, because they’ve fucked up my head so bad I don’t know what I want, or if I’ll ever want anything or anyone without wondering if I’m doing it to please them, or spite them, or…”
Noah’s arm had begun to shake, like he really was exerting every ounce of control not to ball his hands into fists and scream. The butterfly in Aspen’s chest quivered, but Aspen ignored it. This wasn’t about Aspen…even if it felt like it was.
“You don’t owe them any kind of explanation, especially not when they’re the ones messing with your head so bad,” Aspen said, pulling their hand out of his and instead resting it on his thigh.
Noah’s hand immediately clenched, and he wrapped his arms around his chest, tucking his fists into his armpits. Aspen rubbed his thigh and tilted so their cheek rested against his shoulder. “Have you thought about talking to someone about this? Like a professional?”
Aspen was a huge advocate for therapy, but they were pretty sure Noah hadn’t talked to a therapist since he was getting approval for his top surgery over ten years back.
“I should, but… I don’t know, it all feels so tangled up, I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
Aspen kissed his shoulder through his t-shirt, and when he turned his head, they quickly scrambled onto their knees so they could kiss his lips. It took a few kisses and gentle strokes of their hand down his face before he released his tight hold on himself.He gathered Aspen up in his arms, falling sideways onto the couch so Aspen was sprawled out across his chest.
They lay like that for a while, Noah placing an order for Thai food on his phone while Aspen clicked through the various streaming platforms. He didn’t talk much as they watched an episode, then two more while eating. Finally, he stood up and offered Aspen his hand again. Aspen took it, like they were pretty sure they always would, but they were surprised when he led them into the bedroom and immediately dropped his pants.
“I want to show you how to blow me. Obviously, not all trans men are going to be the same, but I can at least give you one example,” he said, but instead of walking over to get his strap, he gripped his dick and began stroking it with his thumb and forefinger.
Aspen’s mouth flooded with saliva, and they had to swallow several times to avoid drooling.
