Noah began tugging at the loose thread again. They’d gotten pretty far off topic, which was common for them, but he wasn’t sure how to get them back on course.
“At least Katie wasn’t too bad,” Aspen mused, their thumb rubbing absent circles on Noah’s thigh.
“No, she wasn’t,” Noah said slowly. “Actually, she was probably the best significant other I ever had…but things also didn’t work out with her.”
Aspen began shaking Noah’s leg again, four times, and then another three times. “Obviously, my last relationship didn’t work out either, but I have faith that if you and I–together, or on our own–want to find happy relationships, we will.”
Noah grabbed onto the slight subject change with both hands. “I don’t know what I want, Asp. That’s sort of what I’m trying to say. I’m not sure if I’ve ever known. My parents have always wanted me to be a good child and settle down in a nice, heteronormative relationship. While I’m pretty sure I don’t want that, I don’t know what I actually want.”
Aspen began tapping Noah’s thigh, in that repeating three/four pattern. It was so familiar, and yet there was something more to it now. Aspen’s hand was higher on Noah’s thigh than it would usually be, and Noah was hyper aware of how warm Aspen’s fingers were through the thin fabric of his pants.
“That’s fair, and I’m not all that sure what I want, either. Actually–” Aspen snorted, and to Noah’s disappointment, they removed their hand to run it back through their soft-looking fringe of hair. “Blair has been trying to sell me on giving polyamory a try, and the more we talk about it, the more appealing it sounds.”
For the first time since that painful dinner at his parents’ house, Noah felt hope blossom amidst the mess of feelings in his chest. With his string of failed relationships and the almost visceral reaction he had to his parents' expectations of him, he was beginning to think he wasn’t meant to be in a monogamous, heteronormative relationship. He just couldn’t be everything one person needed.
He didn’t want to hold Aspen back from finding love, but it sounded like Aspen wasn’t expecting them to jump into a relationship right away.
Noah chewed on the inside of his cheek as he tried to figure out how to phrase this. “If we’re both still figuring out what we want, but you think you would be open to polyamorous relationships, then that means you wouldn’t be closing off other options while we explore whatever it is happening between us, right?”
Aspen gave him a flat look. “That sounds an awful lot like you’re saying you just want to help me kill time while I look for someone better than you.”
Well, if the Gordy Simple truth fits…
He would definitely be put in a headlock for saying that, though.
The more he thought about Gordy Simple, the more an idea began to take shape. Noah would be working on a timeline to help Charlie get things sorted out at the shelter. Based on the two-hour-long planning session they’d had at Charlie’s kitchen table, it sounded like during that time he was willing to let Noahtry out whatever he could think of to diversify funding, lessen the workload, and modernize some of the shelter’s business practices.
What if…they did something like that, but for their love life?
Charlie would be so proud of him for keeping things simple, but would Aspen like it? There was only one way to find out.
“Not killing time…” Noah said as the idea solidified in his head. “But maybe time-limited.”
Aspen looked like Noah was speaking nonsense, so he rushed to clarify.
“What if we do a sort of trial period?”
Aspen’s expression didn’t change much. Noah really wished he’d thought of this earlier; then he could have discussed it with Charlie and wouldn’t be figuring it out live. It was too late to turn back now, though, and as he looked into Aspen’s familiar hazel eyes, he found he didn't want to turn back. He wanted Aspen, he just didn’t want to hurt them—or himself.
“What if we explore things with each other, like nonheteronormative sex, affirming dating, and whatnot, while also using that time to figure out what we want for ourselves,” Noah said. “It means we wouldn’t have to do it alone, but we also won’t hurt each other if, at the end of the trial, we decide a committed relationship to each other isn’t what we want.”
Aspen blinked slowly at him, and he could almost see the cogs turning in their head.
“We could take six months, which—” Noah did some quick mental math. “Would actually bring us right through Valentine’s Day, to figure everything out, but it wouldn’t be like we were getting in a relationship only to break up six months later. It could be our own arrangement without all the…”
Noah wasn’t sure how to say bullshit without actually saying bullshit, so he just gestured around vaguely.
“Without all the typical expectations your family and society put on relationships?” Aspen offered.
“Yeah,” Noah said, and he felt a new emotion join the tangle in his chest. Excitement. The idea of trial running more than just friendship with Aspenwasexciting. “I know that probably sounds super unconventional, but–”
“I like unconventional,” Aspen said. They weren’t looking at Noah, but their mouth was soft, the earlier grimace completely gone. “It would also mean we don’t have to play that stressful ‘what are we’ labels game. At least, not until the end of the six months, when we’ll hopefully be ready for it.”
Noah nodded, even though he had barely even been thinking about titles and labels. It was probably a good thing to consider, though. Lord knew titles meant everything to his parents. Maybe that was yet another reason he didn’t like them. Aspen had liked them at one point, though. They’d gone for the title of spouse…but look how that had turned out.
“As long as it’s okay with you,” Noah said. “I think I’m a big fan of our best friend title and might just keep using that for now.”
When Aspen grinned, it spread all the way up to their pretty eyes, and Noah knew he’d said the right thing. “I actually really like that. And what you said before? That we’ll be figuring this out together? Two best friends, figuring out sex, dating, life, and love together—but also for ourselves.”
