“You just what?”
Noah fought to put his thoughts into words that Charlie would understand. Hell, he barely understood them himself. He just knew that in the moment, staring down at Aspen on his couch, he’d wanted Aspen more than he’d ever wanted anyone before, and yet…
“I just kept wondering whether my parents would be thrilled I was dating or disappointed it was with someone who was nonbinary. And then I couldn’t figure out if that made me want to date Aspen more or less.”
“Shit,” Charlie muttered.
Noah walked ahead to grab Gordon’s leash off the ground. He remained squatting down, staring at a worm as it inched its way along the cracked pavement. “And that’s not fair,” Noah said, about as Gordy Simple as it could get. “To Aspen, or to me. I don’t know what I want versus what’s just noise in my head, and I can’t drag Aspen along for the ride while I figure it out.”
A memory of his first week of college flashed across his mind. Move-in day had been a bit of a mess, with his dad too busy on the phone to help move the boxes, and his mom intermittently crying into a monogrammed handkerchief. She wasn’t going to miss Noah; that much was clear. She was worried Noah was going to meet the wrong boys and not make the right kinds of friends. Noah had managed to survive that ordeal only to find himself alone and overwhelmed at the college activity fair a few days later. There had been so many clubs, groups, and initiatives to sign up for, he hadn’t known which were the right ones and which would have his mom calling him in tears again.
He’d ended up calling her himself, avoiding the problem altogether by asking her what he should do. She was the reason he joined the debate team and eventually rushed Delta Psi. For the first time in his life, Noah could have made his own decisions, but he buckled under pressure.
“It’s not your job to decide that,” Charlie said, as if he could read Noah’s mind.
Noah unhooked Gordon’s leash and stood up. “What do you mean?”
“Aspen gets to decide if they want to board the discovery train with you,” Charlie said, holding out his hand for the leash. When Noah placed it in his palm, Charlie’s fingers grasped at Noah’s wrist, holding him still so he was forced to look at Charlie as he said, “From everything you’ve told me about Aspen, I bet they’re also trying to figure out what they want. They’ve been doing that for a while on their own, but maybe now they’re ready to do it with you–or at the very least, alongside you.”
Noah ground his teeth together, only to be nearly yanked off his feet when Charlie pulled him forward and into a one-armed hug.
“You and Aspen deserve to be happy. Whether that’s with each other or not, I think you owe it to them and to yourself to explore this further. Because, my dear friend, the dopey expression you make anytime you talk about kissing them is worth exploring further.”
Noah sighed but allowed himself to sink against Charlie’s strong side. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to them about it tonight.”
Charlie somehow managed to unlock the back door with only one hand, while holding two leashes, ushering the dogs inside ahead of them. As they approached the front desk, Charlie peered over the computer at the office telephone and grimaced at whatever he saw.
“Waiting for a call?” Noah asked, grateful for any change of subject, even if it was just boring admin work.
Charlie didn’t look bored, though. His brow was scrunched up tight, and he wouldn’t meet Noah’s eye as he rounded thedesk and woke up the computer. After typing something in and clicking several times, his lips thinned, and he looked more serious than Noah had ever seen him before.
“Is everything okay?” Noah asked, walking around the desk, Gordon at his heels. Princess was being oddly well-behaved, sitting quietly at Charlie’s feet like even she knew something was going on.
“It’s…not great,” Charlie said, hitting the refresh button on his email browser, and once again glancing at the silent phone.
A thousand possibilities, each one worse than the last, flew through Noah’s head. He took a step closer, pressing his shoulder into Charlie’s side. To his surprise, Charlie wrapped an arm around him like he was the one who needed comforting.
“Give it to me Gordy Simple. What’s going on?” Noah asked.
Charlie’s fingertips dug into Noah’s arm, like he was clinging to the edge of a cliff. “I don’t know if I can keep running the shelter.”
Noah was struck nearly speechless, but he managed to eke out, “What…do you mean?”
Charlie stared at the peeling linoleum top of the check-in desk. “There’s just so much that goes into running this place, and I’ve been trying to keep my head above water in terms of finances and volunteers, but I’m beginning to think I would need to start hiring full-time staff to keep this place going, and I barely have enough money to keep the lights on as is. I’ve tried to take some initiative, and I applied for these three grants, but if I don’t get them, or even if I do and I don’t figure out some more sustainable funding and work-life balance, I might have to close the shelter.”
It was a good thing Charlie was holding him so tightly, because if he wasn’t, Noah might have fallen over. Instead, he threaded his arm around Charlie’s lower back and tried to squeeze him in the most reassuring way possible. “Holy shit,Char. Why didn’t you say anything earlier? You let me prattle on about–”
“I let you talk about your life, something I care about just as much, if not more so, than my management fuck ups.”
Gordon pressed in against Noah’s leg, forcing him to lean even more into Charlie’s side. Charlie gave up on the computer and turned, wrapping both arms tightly around Noah. He smelled like leaves and a hard day’s work. There was always a bit of an animal smell to him, but it wasn’t bad. If anything, it made Noah feel safe, because Charlie was one of his only two safe people.
If he was struggling with the shelter to the point he was considering closing it, Noah was going to do absolutely everything in his power to help. Not only was it Charlie’s passion, but he also lived on the property in the caretaker’s house. If the shelter closed…would he have to move away?
There was no way Noah was just going to stand by and let that happen. He loved the shelter. He loved Gordon and even Princess, in her own way. What would happen to all the amazing dogs, the kind volunteers, and the dozens of folks who found their furry friends here every year?
