We’re not asking for much, Noah. We just want what’s best for you.
He tried to shake his mother’s voice out of his head. What theyreallywanted was for him to be the exact cookie-cutter image they had envisioned. Being the eldest child of a fatherwho had wanted two boys, and a mother who wanted catalogue children, meant Noah was destined to be a disappointment. Even when he’d come out as the son his father had always wanted, it seemed to be too little, too late. He wasn’t butch enough for his dad, or proper enough for his mother. He’d always had the wrong friends and dated the wrong people. Clearly, he couldn’t be trusted to make his own decisions, so in swooped his mother, scheduling his playdates and hangouts like just another part of her own carefully curated social calendar.
Charlie squeezed his neck, thankfully pulling him out of his thoughts. The touch was somewhere between scruffing him and being emotionally supportive. Charlie was a surprisingly tactile person. Even that first day they came to walk dogs, Charlie was always reaching for Noah. It had taken him a while to realize it, but it was the same way Charlie was with the dogs. Slowly working them up to physical affection until they were sweet, cuddly pups, ready for adoption. He’d worked his magic on Noah, and he was now much better at receiving and giving physical affection. Like last night, when he held Aspen on the couch, even when they stopped kissing and just snuggled with the TV playing softly in the background.
“So, just to double check. You don’t want to try for a hetero relationship like mommy and daddy dearest want?” Charlie asked.
“I don’t know what I want, in terms of dating, but also just in general. I feel like I’ve spent so long trying to figure out who I am. I thought I’d done a pretty good job of it, at least in terms of my gender, my friendship with Aspen, and my friendship with you, but in one conversation, they made me question everything. Like maybe I’m living my true identity, but my true life, the life Iactuallywant for myself, still hasn’t begun.”
If he couldn’t be the proper wife like his mom had always wanted, or marry the proper wife like his dad was now pushing for, what exactly did he want?
Charlie nodded slowly, his dark brown eyes catching the warm, evening sunlight as it drifted through the trees. “That’s a lot, man.” Noah ground his teeth together, and Charlie stepped forward, bringing their foreheads together with a light tap. “Doesn’t mean we’re not going to figure it out, though. I’m just saying, I’m not surprised you’re feeling all fucked up about it.”
Princess gave her attempt at a growl, and Gordon yanked at the leash. Noah tried to pull away, but Charlie refused to let go until Noah finally gave in and nodded against his forehead.
“So, let’s start Gordy Simple,” Charlie said.
Gordon was a good, sweet dog, but he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He could understand very simple commands, and thus, Charlie had coined the phrase “keep it Gordy Simple” when he wanted someone to dumb down an explanation. With Noah, that was often in reference to the tightly wound mess of emotions he always carried around in his chest.
“What do you want when it comes to Aspen?” Charlie asked as they continued walking deeper into the woods. “I’ve known you for a while now, and I’ve never heard you talk about them as anything but your bestest of all buds.”
Noah snorted, but he wasn’t wrong. “That’s because I’ve never really thought of them in any way but platonically.”
“And what about now? Remember, Gordy Simple. Are you attracted to them?”
Noah thought back to their amazing haircut, which highlighted the soft curve of their skull and the stark line of their throat. Then he remembered the feeling of Aspen’s warm thighs wrapped around his waist and the stroke of their tongue against his.
“I don’t know if this is going to make any sense, but it’s almost like I wasn't attracted to them until they opened the door to it? One minute, they were standing in my kitchen, like we’d done hundreds of times, and they were just… Aspen. Then they started talking about kisses and they, uh, pulled me between their legs and it was like…”
Noah tried to think of something tangible they could offer as an example. Charlie always pressed him to get as specific as he could with his feelings. “Have you ever won a raffle?” he asked slowly. “Or been the 100th person in line at a store? It was sort of like that. Like, for that one moment, while I was kissing them, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.”
Charlie gripped Noah’s shoulder, right next to where Aspen had grabbed him the night before. “Kissing Aspen is like picking the winning lotto numbers. Roger that.”
Noah let out a surprised laugh, and some of the tension he’d been holding in his spine faded away. Leave it to Charlie to keep it Gordy Simple.
As if he could sense the change in mood, Gordon slowed down and pressed his flank against Noah’s leg. They were approaching the turnaround point, where they could keep going left, down to the small creek that ran through the woods, or turn around and head back to the shelter. He glanced down at Princess, with her eyes that didn’t seem to ever point in the same direction, and her tongue that always stuck out of the side of her mouth. She was panting and also slowing down to walk closer to Charlie’s side.
“Should we head back?” Noah asked.
“So you can go see Aspen? Yeah, we should.”
They’d had a series of competing plans and priorities all throughout the past week, which meant they hadn’t seen each other since their night of kissing. There had been a few instances where Noah had been home with time to kill, but instead ofwandering over to Aspen’s place like he usually would, he stayed glued to his couch. He wanted to give them both some time to think about the conversation they had scheduled for tonight.
Noah sighed but turned with Charlie in a slow arc to lead the two dogs back the way they’d come. “If we’re keeping it Gordy Simple, then I think the next question you’re supposed to ask is if I could see myself dating them.”
Charlie whistled softly, calling Princess’ attention back to the path when it became clear she was going after Gordon’s butt again. “I don’t think that has to be the next question. If you like kissing them, keep kissing them.”
“But I think they want more than just kissing.”
“Like sex?”
A woodpecker began drilling overhead, and Noah squinted into the branches to try to spot it. “Well, yeah, they were pretty clear about that. But I also think they want to start dating again, and I don’t know if that’s what I want right now. I told them I’d be happy to do what I can to help them learn about nonheteronormative sex, so they’d be ready for their next partner, but that seemed to make them really sad.”
Charlie was suspiciously quiet, not even the sound of cracking sunflower seeds coming from his half of the path. They walked most of the way back before Noah finally risked a glance at him. He immediately regretted it.
“Jesus, Noah,” Charlie said, scowling over at him. “I don’t even know where to start. I can think of at least ten reasons why that was a stupid thing to say.”
“I know, I just…” Noah let go of Gordon’s leash and allowed him to lope the last dozen or so yards back to the shelter. He went straight for the water bowl and took big, messy gulps. Princess yanked at her leash, but Charlie knew better.
