Proving their point, Noah studied them for several moments before slowly returning to chopping the bell peppers.
“In some ways, I think I am ready,” Aspen said, grabbing the onion and tossing it back and forth between their hands. “Like, it feels like my marriage is old news at this point. We’ve been separated for almost a full year, and things had been bad for months before that. So, am I ready to move on? Yes, absolutely.”
The knife made a satisfying thunking noise as it cut through the final piece of bell pepper. Noah reached up and caught the onion mid-arc, and Aspen slow-clapped for him until he took a slight bow and returned to chopping.
“On the other hand, though, I think there are some things that feel new and kind of scary about putting myself out there again.”
“Like your gender?” Noah asked softly.
Aspen nodded, and their bangs flopped into their eyes. They brushed them away, only for them to fall back again. Noah’s hand twitched up off the onion, like maybe he wanted to reach out and do it for them.
At the peak of their divorce shit show, there had been a few nights when Aspen had cried so hard, they’d made themself throw up. Noah had held them on the floor, curled over the toilet bowl, and stroked their hair back from their forehead over and over, whispering promises Aspen hadn’t thought he’d be able to keep.
And yet, here they were, and Aspen was “doing okay” because they had “gotten through this” just like Noah had promised.
“I feel like, while it shouldn’t, my gender is going to play a big role in my life moving forward,” Aspen said. “I want to make sure I find people who see me as the real me but are also okay with the fact that I’m still painfully new at all this.”
Noah nodded, and his knife moved expertly through the layers of the onion. “That can be intimidating at first. My first few significant others were way more experienced than I was, and they had to hold my hand a bit—“ Noah looked up at Aspen. “But they both swore over and over they didn’t mind teaching me the ropes.”
Aspen leaned back on their hands, staring up at the ugly popcorn ceiling. “So, you’re saying I need to find someone who’s patient, experienced, and understands nonheteronormative sex?”
Noah coughed, and the chopping noise stopped again. “I…probably wouldn’t have put it exactly that way, but yes. I know you’ve said your sex life with Ethan strictly adhered to gender roles. If you think you want to change that up?—”
“Oh, Idefinitelywant to change that up. Not just in a ‘I want to top’ way, which I for sure wouldn’t mind trying, but I’d also love to try out different names for my parts and for the things I do with my parts, like—“ Aspen cleared their throat, ignoring the flash fire across their cheeks and neck. “I've always wanted to get a blow job, and I’d love to experiment with different straps.”
Noah still hadn’t resumed chopping, and Aspen glanced away from the ceiling to see him staring intently at the cutting board, all the veggies and tofu ready to be cooked.
“I think those are totally reasonable things to want to try,” he said, refusing to look at Aspen as he spoke.
Aspen ran their tongue along the back of their teeth. “But before all of that…I just want to have a first kiss.”
Noah jerked his head up in surprise.
“A first kiss, as my true self,” Aspen clarified. “With someone I trust.”
Noah’s hand tightened around the handle of the knife. “I think trust is really important.”
“It is,” Aspen said, reaching for Noah’s hand and slowly unfurling his fingers from around the hilt. “And while I have lots of friends and acquaintances…there’s not very many people I trust.”
“You trust Blair,” he said, as he allowed Aspen to pull him a few steps to the side, until he came to rest between Aspen’s spread thighs.
“I do, but as I said, not going there with a coworker.”
“Do you trust any of the folks you’ve met at the bar or the Rainbow Bean?” Noah hedged, threading the fingers of one of their hands together.
“Maybe later on in my post-divorce adventures I’d be comfortable with those folks, but not right now.”
Aspen used their free hand to reach up and brush a lock of hair off Noah’s forehead.
Noah mirrored the movement, brushing Aspen’s bright blue bangs out of their eyes. “You look so good, Asp… Someone would have to be a fool not to be interested in you. I’m sure if you focused on any one of them, you could work on building trust.”
Aspen dropped their hand to Noah’s shoulder, rubbing the tense knot that formed at the top of his spine before slowly dragging their hand up to rest on his neck.
“I’ve never thought of you as a fool.”
Noah swallowed, and Aspen wanted to follow the path down his throat with their tongue.
The chords in Noah’s neck stood out, as if he could feel the trap he’d laid for himself. “I…uhm…”
