Aspen’s stomach soured, and they dropped their hand from his neck. They hadn’t meant to trap him. Really, this could have gone a lot better, but maybe they could still rectify it.
“You don’t have to answer that if you’re not comfortable. But before you decide, let me say one more thing.” Aspen grabbed Noah’s other hand and held it tightly. “I have never trusted orfelt safer with anyone in my life than with you. You’ve been my best friend and my rock for years, and while I didn’t see you as anything but that for a long time, I think I…might be starting to?”
Well, that had started off really strong, but they’d sort of botched the landing. Noah squinted at them, and Aspen wished he could just read their mind.
Aspen’s eyes strayed down to his plump lips, and they rescinded their wish. Noah would probably be scared off if he had to inhabit Aspen’s brain with them.
In fact, he might be scared off if he had to inhabit any more of Aspen’s life than he already did. Intimacy—especially new, floundering intimacy—was a lot to ask anyone for, but especially someone who had already given so much. Noah had stayed up through countless nights, driven Aspen around, and even sat with them through tough meetings with their lawyer. Was there any chance after all that he would be interested in taking on yet another task?
Aspen’s shoulders collapsed inward, and they tried to pull their hands out of Noah’s. “I’m sorry. Forget I?—“
“Aspen,” Noah interrupted, squeezing both their hands until they looked up at him. His eyes were soft, like the barely there curve of his lip.
“You lost me, Asp. I’m not saying no, I just need you to rephrase the question.”
“Do you want me?” Aspen asked, as if that was in any way an okay question to ask him. “After everything with Ethan, and all these years, would…would you be open to anything else between us?”
There. That was as clear as they could be. Fuck Ethan for saying Aspen couldn’t be thoughtful, and doubly fuck their parents for calling them childish and selfish for seeking better for themself. They didn’t feel anything but proud of how farthey’d come this past year. Even if their hands had started to tremble and their stomach was balled up in a knot, that little butterfly in their chest was flapping away, and Aspen swore right then and there to protect it. They would protect that tiny part of themself that wanted to fight for happiness.
“Yes,” Noah said, ripping Aspen out of their spiral.
“Yes?” Aspen asked, barely willing to believe it.
Noah nodded once. “Yes. I would be open to more between us. But before you ask, I don’t think I know right now what that would look like.”
Aspen’s little butterfly fluttered in happiness because, at this point, that barely seemed to matter. Noah wasn’t mad. He wasn’t pulling away.
He wasn’t sweeping Aspen up in his arms and whisking them away to his bedroom, either, but frankly, if he had done that, Aspen probably would have frozen up anyway.
“That’s okay,” Aspen said, bouncing both Noah’s hands up and down in excitement. “I don’t really know what it would look like, either, but I know how it would start.”
Noah allowed his hands to be jerked up and down, just like he allowed Aspen to tap his leg with their foot when they watched TV on the couch. “And how’s that?”
“With gender affirming kisses.”
Noah’s right hand twitched, offsetting the bouncing until their arms were moving out of sync with each other. “I’m not sure I know how to make kisses feel gender affirming.”
There was something unfairly attractive about the way Noah’s voice curled around the word “kisses.” Aspen felt a bit silly saying it, but Noah made it sound like a promise.
Aspen forced their hands to fall still. They couldn’t magically turn their voice sexy, but they could be earnest. “What are my pronouns?”
“They/them,” Noah said without hesitation.
“And what’s my name?”
Understanding slowly dawned on Noah’s face. “Aspen.”
Aspen sat up taller and leaned forward until their faces were only a few inches apart. There was nearly half a foot of height difference between them, but sitting on the counter, they were almost the same height.
“What’s my gender?”
“Nonbinary—sometimes leaning more one way than the other,” Noah said, pressing forward against the countertop until they were less than an inch apart.
“What’s my name one more time?”
“Aspen,” Noah said, his breath ghosting across Aspen’s lips.
“And what do I let you, and only you, call me?”
