And she knew she wasn’t going to get it.
She knew, before he pulled away.
All the delicious tension just drained out of the moment, and she was left with this. With him saying, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Don’t be sorry. I made it kind of hard not to.”
“This isn’t on you, Lydia. It’s on me.”
“So we’re back to me as the helpless victim.”
“No.I’mthe one who’s helpless. I know I can’t resist, but I let you go on anyway. All my barriers are down, yet I don’t stay away.” He nodded, but only to himself. As if he’d already decided, before he even dropped the killing blow. “I need to stay away.”
“So that’s just it. Goodbye, Lydia. See you sometime at the end of never.”
“You make it sound like a brutal punishment.”
“Because it is one. To never get to see you or talk to you or—” she tried, but she could tell it wasn’t working before he even cut her off.
“We can still talk, honey. Just not like this. Not face to face.”
“I don’t see what’s so different about face to face.”
“It’s different because I can kiss you when we’re this close. I can reach out and touch you, and I will, god knows I will. I’m not strong enough to resist—I will never be strong enough to resist. My life has been too lacking in warmth for me to stand against it. It’s like offering a steak to a man who didn’t know he was starving. I don’t know how to cope.”
By the time he was done, she was pretty close to losing it.
But that was okay, because he clearly was too. His shoulders had dropped; his head was back against the seat. And when he looked at her, his eyes almost begged her to understand. How could she refuse when he was begging her?
It was impossible. Unconscionable. She couldn’t do it.
“God, why did you have to put it that way?”
“You know why I had to put it that way.”
“So that I can’t do anything but agree.”
“Something like that. Though I want to be clear: it’s also the truth.”
“You don’t have to be clear. I already know,” she said, though the last word had to be shoved out quickly. Tears were starting to threaten her voice. In a second, he’d be able to hear that she was upset, and she didn’t want him to.
Not when it would make it harder for him to do this.
Heneededto do this. And she needed to be okay with it.
If only for now.
“This is my number. Dial it so I have yours.” He handed her a hastily scribbled on piece of paper from his little notebook, and she did what he asked. Numbly, but she did it. “You can call it any time you want—day or night—and for any reason at all. Even if you think you’re being ridiculous. Even if it has nothing to do with us or me or anything I’ve taught you. You feel troubled by anything, you call me. All right?”
“Yeah. That sounds more than all right, to be honest.”
“This isn’t about cutting you out of my life.”
“I didn’t really think it was, I swear.”
“We don’t have to stop being friends.”
“That is really good to know.”
