Tuesday: Shooting pain down my neck, passed out for a few seconds
Wednesday: Couldn’t sleep, dizzy. Threw up in the morning.
Thursday: headache again, muscle weakness
It went on like this for pages, with all the dates and symptoms listed. I realized I wasn’t shocked at all by the revelation that Westin hadn’t been lying. Of course she hadn’t been. She was kind and honest and perfect. But I hadn’t realized her symptoms were anything like this.
My hands shook as I continued flipping through the journal until it fell open to the most recent entry, marked by a light blue ribbon.
The other day at the bakery, Poppy came in with all her alphas. They hung out for a couple hours, buying up all the pastries because Poppy insisted they had to try everything. The whole time, they were so focused on her, making sure she had everything she needed. Josie ended up closing the shop early, and Theo and Cam came down from their office and we all hung out. But after a while, seeing them all so happy together just made me want to cry. I ended up slipping away and doing some work in the kitchen. What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to love? Everyone treats me like I’m such trash… and if they’re nice to me, it’s just because they don’t know me well enough yet or because they’re trying to get something from me. In the end, they’ll all turn on me.
Yesterday was the worst birthday. I hadn’t expected any sort of celebration since no one knew it was my birthday, but I thought I could maybe do some skating or something fun. But instead, I spent it in the hospital with Gray, who hates me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone. When I got home, I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t sleep. I ended up finding some of Cat’s sleeping pills in the bathroom and took all the pills that were left. I don’t think I was trying to kill myself, but I was disappointed when I woke up vomiting in the middle of the night. I threw up all over my nest and since the power’s cut off, I couldn’t use the washing machine. It’s not like it was this amazing nest to begin with, but now it’s all ruined.
Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here. I think my friends would miss me, but they all have their alphas, so they’d be okay. It’s not like I’m going to be around for much longer anyway. Whatever’s wrong with me is getting worse. I think it’s going to kill me, so I might as well go out on my own terms, right?
My heart was pounding so hard I had to sit down in the backseat and put my head down so I didn’t pass out. The entry had yesterday’s date. I’d driven her to and from work, and she hadn’t said a single word. I’d known something was wrong—both yesterday and this morning. But she’d sent me away andI had fucking left. I left her alone after she… Fuck, I didn’t even want to think the words.
My fingers shook as I closed the car door and put the keys in the ignition. She had tried to kill herself, and I hadn’t been there for her. Would she… would she try again? My vision darkened with panic, and I forced myself to keep breathing as I dialed her number. The phone rang and rang as I weaved in and out of traffic on the way to her house. She didn’t pick up, but I kept calling. After the ninth unanswered call, I pulled up to her house.
I flung my car door open and ran up to the front door, pounding on it heavily. Seconds passed but it felt like years. I fished the copy of the house key I’d made out of my pocket and unlocked the door with trembling hands, slamming it shut behind me before tearing up the stairs, shouting Westin’s name.
I’d briefly been in her room when I set up the alarm system, and that’s where I went now. I slammed the door open and there she was, curled up on her bed with no blankets.
She wasn’t moving.
39
GRAY
“Westin, love, please be okay,” I begged, dropping to my knees by the bed.
I almost passed out with relief as she stirred, a whine slipping through her lips. She was facing away from me and I brushed her hair out of her face. Her cheeks were just as flushed and her skin was burning up.
“Can you hear me?”
“It hurts,” she whispered.
“What hurts?” I gently coaxed her body so she was facing me.
Her hand was down her underwear, and she was drenched with slick.
Fuck fuck fuck.
“Are you going into heat?” I cradled her face, his skin hot against my palms.
“No,” she said. “I don’t have heats.” Then she let out a little cry that broke my heart. I couldn’t stop myself from gathering her in my arms, holding her close to my chest. I knew I was the last person she wanted here, but I couldn’t watch her suffer.
“Go away,” she said, weakly pushing against my chest. “I hate you.”
“I know, and I fucking deserve all your hatred and more. I am so fucking sorry for everything. I never should have treated you like I did.”
Tears streaked down her cheeks, and she refused to meet my gaze.
“I know it’s too little too late, but I believe you, princess. Every single word. You can hate me again in a few days. Fuck, you don’t have to stop hating me for one second. I deserve it. I deserve every bit of it. But I’m not leaving you. No matter how hard you try to push me away, I will not leave you alone. Not now. Not ever.” I clutched her even closer, the fear of losing her forever still pulsing through my veins.
“Because you feel guilty?” Her voice was strained, and her eyes closed. It broke my heart that she thought that.
“No. Because the only place I feel whole is when I’m by your side.”
