“What are you talking about? Have I made you feel that way?” Josie asked, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
“No, it’s just the truth. My whole fucking life, I’ve been non-essential. My job is to protect everyone and keep this pack together, and I can’t even do that.” I whirled toward the opposite wall as shame crawled into my chest. I couldn’t face my mate. Couldn’t bear her tear-filled gaze.
Silence hung heavy between us, and I let my thoughts spin backward to all the moments, days before, when I could have done more… something…anythingto keep Josie out of the DC’s hands.
“I thought the moments we shared were important to you,” she said softly.
Nothing could have prepared me for that. I whirled around, facing my mate.
“Of course, they fucking were. Every memory with you is the highlight of my life,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.
“Apparently not, because you think you can just hide away here and I won’t notice or care. You think I don’t want you around. That means either I’ve done a bad job of communicating with you and telling you how I feel, or our time together really hasn’t meant that much to you.” Josie’s voice was getting louder now, a fierceness blazing in her eyes.
“It’s meant everything, everything! I thought my life was nothing. Our pack was falling apart before you. You’re the center of our fucking universe. You bring out the best in all of us. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not a good enough alpha for you!”
Josie pushed herself off the door and walked towards me. She was practically vibrating with emotion and I knew it was coming—her rejection. She would finally realize what I was saying was true.
Then she brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back into my office chair. My legs gave way under me.
“What will it take for you to hear me?” she asked, her voice tinged with… anger?
I looked down, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “You deserve someone better. This pack deserves someone better.”
Josie let out a huff of frustration. “You are necessary here, Theo. All of us look to you for guidance. When I woke up in the hospital after collapsing, I felt safe for the first time in years because your scent was on my hoodie. I wouldn’t let them take it away from me. I spent days curled up in your scent because it was the only thing that calmed me. I’ve trusted you with my secrets, my love, my body, everything. You’re the one who’s holding back!”
My mouth opened in confusion, my mind blank. She was breathing heavily, nails digging into her hands. I automatically reached for them, unfurling her fists and rubbing her palms.
“It hurts me when you hold back,” she said softly. “I love you, Theo. I want to bond you, and you said you want to bond me, but it doesn’t feel like you want me. Did it even cross your mind that hiding away in here feels like punishment for me?”
“Oh, love.” I hung my head, keeping hold of her hands, but she tugged them out of my grip and retreated a few steps.
No, I couldn’t let her pull away now. Couldn’t let her think that any of this was her fault.
I stood and took a few steps towards her. Josie backed up, but I kept going until she was against the wall and I was right in front of her, our bodies separated by a hair’s breadth.
“I could never, ever stop wanting you,” I said fiercely. “I didn’t realize you felt like I was punishing you.” My voice wavered. “I’m sorry, so sorry.” My voice broke and a sob escaped my chest. Immediately, Josie’s arms were around me, squeezing her soft body against mine. Another sob shuddered through me as I wrapped my arms around her, pressing my face into her hair.
“It’s okay,” she said softly, running her hands up and down my back. “You can feel. Let it out. I’m right here.”
God, I should be the one comforting her, but her comfort felt so good. When was the last time I’d allowed myself to be taken care of?
I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but my tears slowly stopped. I was a red-faced mess, but Josie just held me.
I silently tugged her over to the desk and she followed. I mopped up my face with tissues before pulling her onto my lap. She didn’t pressure me to talk, just curled up in my lap as I gathered my thoughts.
“I was afraid you would reject me, so I pulled away to protect myself. I acted out of my insecurity and thought I was punishing myself, but it was unfair to you.” My throat tightened.
Josie squeezed my hands. “You should have told me what you were feeling.”
I nodded. “I didn’t want to put more on you. You’ve gone through enough.” I couldn’t stop more tears from spilling over. Josie’s hand caressed my face, and I leaned into her touch.
“You know how much I love you? More than my life,” I said, gripping her hips tightly.
“I want you to talk to me. I can handle it,” she murmured. “I know I was really out of it after what happened. But I’m not in that dark place anymore, and so much of that has to do with you. I don’t want this relationship to be one-sided.”
One-sided? How could she say that? I cupped her face with both hands. “You have given me so much. This has never been one-sided. I just wish I didn’t have so much baggage to bring into this relationship.”
A smile tugged at her lips. “Theo, we need the world’s biggest moving truck to haul the baggage all four of us bring into this relationship.”
