“Cam said something similar, actually.”
“He did?”
“I thought you would have heard when you were eavesdropping.”
There was no condemnation in his voice. We promised as kids not to keep secrets from each other. Besides, we perfected our eavesdropping skills at all the dinner parties we attended.
“I didn’t hear all of what you said. And I wasn’t eavesdropping. I was going to the kitchen for more snacks, and then I heard you all talking about me.”
“I’m sorry, Josie-girl. I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you.”
“I know.”
Because I did. I had been frustrated with the guys for not telling me about the files they found right away, but it had been a hard couple of days. I understood why they held back.
Sam and I lay for a while in companionable silence, the cool air washing over my skin and causing little goosebumps to spread across my arms.
“You really think I should help the Alliance?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“I think you should do whatever you want, Josie. You’ve earned it. I would never blame you if you wanted to sit out of this fight. But I know you, and I think eventually you might regret not taking an active role. I know you don’t think you can be helpful to the Alliance. But you’re wrong.”
“I don’t even know what I would do to help them. I can’t hack stuff like Ben or do security like Theo and Cam.”
“You’re brilliant and brave.”
Warmth curled in my stomach at his compliment, quickly followed by doubt. “I’m not brave.”
“Fuck yes, you are. I’ve never met someone braver than you. The life you’ve lived, Josie? You’re brave to keep waking up every day, to keep fighting, to keep living.”
“But I’m afraid all the time.”
“And you keep doing it, keep moving forward, keep living with the fear. It’s the bravest thing you could ever do. The Designation Government is crumbling, Josie. Support is waning. Glen barely shows his face anymore. They’re getting desperate and making mistakes. Now that we have the alpha tabs, we have another advantage in this fight. The Alliance is confident we can end them soon.”
I wanted to believe what he was saying, but I was scared to get my hopes up. It hit me that I’d resigned myself to living under the Designation Government. My two years at the DA had taken the fight out of me.
“No one will blame you if you don’t want to take part. Giving them the device has already given us a leg-up no one expected us to have. You’ve done enough for the Alliance. The question is, have you done enough for yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve spent the last few years being their victim.”
I breathed in sharply, ripping my hand from Sam’s. Hurt bloomed in me.
“You think I’ve just sat around being their victim? Like that was a choice?” I asked, my voice getting louder.
“Fuck. No, that’s not what I meant.”
Sam moved closer towards me and I scooted away.
“Josie-girl, please listen,” Sam said quickly, desperation in his voice. “I don’t mean that any of it’s your fault. You fought as hard as you could. You fought every day to stay alive. I’ve never seen you as a victim, have never thought you didn’t do enough. What I’m concerned about is thatyousee yourself as a victim and not as a survivor. You see yourself as weak. I just thought that taking a more active role in the Alliance could show you how fucking strong you are. But I’ll back off if it’s too much. You never have to do anything to prove something to me. I already know how incredible you are. I never need convincing.”
I lay back down, breathing hard. Sam tentatively reached out to grasp my hand again, and I let him.
“Sorry,” he said softly.
I took a deep breath, forcing my jaw to unclench.
“It’s okay. I’m just feeling sensitive about it all. I had a bad nightmare the other night and it just brought it all back.”
