‘I do,’ he confirms. ‘You think we should donate it to charity, but it’s not that simple when you have the weight of your forebears pressing down on you.’ He nods pointedly into the woods. ‘We have run into financial difficulties, plenty of times,’ he confides as we continue walking. ‘We’ve had to sell off parcels of land to farmers and developers. My grandfather drove himself into the ground with the stress of it. I sometimes think my father will do the same.’
I’m glad that he’s opening up to me, but it’s hard to hear.
‘I don’t want that for you, Ash,’ I can’t stop myself from saying.
He sighs. ‘The pressure of keeping this place up andrunning already feels immense. My father sometimes talks about selling off the woodland, cottages and sawmill to developers. I’ve had so many sleepless nights thinking about my friends losing their homes and jobs and all this being razed to the ground.’ He looks around at the trees and shudders. ‘I’ll do everything I can to ensure that doesn’t happen. We don’t only have a duty to future generations, we have a duty to everyone who lives and works here. One day that responsibility will be mine to shoulder and I just have to hope that I’ll be up to the job. I couldn’t live with myself if I screwed it up. Hugo was so much better at the business side of things than I am – my father thinks I’m out of my depth, but my mother seems to believe in me. I hope I don’t let her down.’
It hurts to hear him speaking about himself like this. ‘I’m sure Beca believed in you too, right?’ I glance at him.
He looks pained and it’s a moment before he nods. ‘Yeah. She did.’
‘Did she ever feel daunted by it all?’
He slides his gaze towards me before averting it and shaking his head.
We walk on in silence for a while before I ask something I’ve been wondering.
‘How did you and she come to be such good friends? Before you got together, I mean.’
‘Her parents are my parents’ closest friends. Our fathers go way back – they went to school together – and our mothers fell pregnant with us at the same time. I’ve literally known her since the day she was born. I’m only three weeks older.’
‘And it was genuinely platonic between you until lastChristmas?’ I’m so curious as to how two such stunning humans could be friends with each other and nothing more.
‘Completely. I mean, okay, not for her. Things started to change when we went to university. That separation enabled her to think of me differently, she said. But she always felt like a sister to me. We grew up seeing each other warts and all. Snotty noses, grazed knees. Fuck, the tantrums she used to throw …’ He shakes his head with amusement and then his expression sobers, probably as he remembers the current state of their relationship.
‘Does she know Celyn and Siân very well, and all the other workers?’ I ask.
‘No, not really.’ He frowns. ‘It’s not that she doesn’twantto get to know them, I just think she doesn’t feel like she fits in.’
He’s defending her and it’s with love.
I come to a stop.
Ash hesitates and looks back at me, puzzled. ‘Are you okay?’
‘No,’ I confess.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘What are we doing?’ I ask.
He turns around to face me properly. ‘I just want to spend some time with you.’
‘Why?’ I stare up at him. ‘So you can be crystal clear about how unsuited we are?’
He recoils. ‘No.’
‘SoIcan be crystal clear about how unsuited we are? I already know it.’
‘How can you say that?’
‘I’m just an ordinary girl, Ash!’ I exclaim. ‘You and Beca were brought up the same way. She gets all this. She wants it. I don’t know why you’re not down in London right now, trying to win her back.’
He sighs and meets my eyes. ‘It’s hard for me to talk about her to you. I feel disloyal.’
‘I need to understand, though, Ash.’
He looks resigned. ‘She and I are not that well suited, not really.’
