Siân swirls the water inside the kettle indecisively and then goes to fill it from the tap.
‘Are you having a cuppa?’ she asks me.
‘Sure.’
He was broken when he lost you. While everyone else was grieving for Hugo, Ash was grieving for you.
I give my head a small shake and try to concentrate.
Has Beca really left Ash? It can’t be over between them. It makes no sense.
‘Sorry, what?’ I realise Siân has just asked me something.
‘You looked to be in your own little world there. Do you take milk and sugar?’
‘Just milk.’
‘Are you having one, Evan?’
‘No, I’m holding out for a beer.’ He leans against the kitchen counter and folds his arms, smiling at me.
There’s a jaunty knock on the back door, but Bethan doesn’t wait for us to answer it. ‘Siân!’ she cries, swooping in for a hug right past where Evan’s standing.
Siân laughs. ‘All right, all right, get off me, I’ve only been away two weeks.’
‘It’s been too long. I’ve missed you.’
‘You’ve missed my carrot cake.’
‘I havereallymissed your carrot cake,’ Bethan agrees wholeheartedly.
Ash is at the ranger’s cabin in the woods. He’s upset right now, but I’m sure you’ll console him.
I feel as though I’ve just gone downhill in a rollercoaster.
About half an hour is all I can manage before I crack and text him.
Are you OK?
I keep coming back to the message as the afternoon lengthens into evening, but there’s no indication that he’s read it.
Everyone who lives at the cottages is here tonight and the camaraderie is in full swing. When I’m three glasses of sangria in – Siân has been in Spain and she was insistent on recreating her favourite holiday tipple – I text him again. If Ash needs cheering up, this is where he should be.
Siân is back from holiday and we’re all having a BBQ, I tap out.You should come.
I hope he’ll understand that I still don’t want anyone to know about us, but I also hope he’ll see that I care.
But this message remains unread too.
I can’t do this. I have to see him.
My head is swimming, but alcohol has not deadened my nerves nearly enough as I go back inside. Luckily, I have the presence of mind to make sure my bedroom door is closed so Siân will think I’ve slipped away to bed, then I change into my gardening boots and grab my raincoat and a torch on my way out the front door.
The sounds of my new friends laughing and talking carryacross the fields as I set off along the farm track, and if I look over my shoulder, I can still see light shining from the back of the cottages. But once I turn off onto the narrower track at the bend in the road, the high hedges on either side block out all artificial light. I reach into my coat pocket for my torch and hesitate, noticing that the clouds have broken apart to reveal a starry sky. I decide to give my eyes a chance to adjust to the darkness and they do, surprisingly quickly.
As the damp night folds around me, I leave the noises of the party behind, walking at a swift pace as the road begins to incline uphill. Tall trees loom out of the darkness and an owl hoots as I make my way into the forest. The starlight doesn’t stand a hope in hell of filtering down through the thick tree cover, so I have to turn on my torch, and weirdly, the artificial light makes my surroundings feel more ominous. I’m a little on edge as I search for the cottage, but when I find it, all is quiet and dark.
My heart sinks. What if Ash is asleep? What if he’s not even here? I feel dejected at the thought of turning around and walking the half-hour return journey without seeing him.
